Goodbers

Jumping Ship

2011-08-24T23:54:00.000-07:00

Back in March 2005, I had migrated my blog (originally hosted on Blurty) to Blogger. As a diehard Google fan, I embraced many of their free web tools early on (Picasa is another one of my favs). To be honest, I have no complaints about their blogging software. Blogger's been super easy to use and ultra integrable. Still, duty calls. You see, I'm researching Content Management Systems (CMSs) for work, and having attended SF WordCamp earlier this month, I guess I drank the Kool-Aid. The sessions were compelling enough to incite a more thorough examination. So just like that, I'm jumping ship.

After six solid years with Blogger, I'm ready to acquire a new look and to learn a new tool. The WP plug-ins feel a lot like items in the mobile app stores, but I'm still hopeful I'll find some really cool gems out there, and it'll be fun to play around.

As I'm going with the self-hosting option (to better evaluate the tools), you'll now find Goodbers at this new subdomain: http://www.clydesdale.goodbers.com. Yeah, I'm still on that horse kick too... See ya there!

Active August

2011-08-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

It is way too early on a Saturday morning. I should be sleeping snugly in my cozy bed (dreaming of Adam Levine-- just kidding!), but instead, I'm riding the Caltrain to SF. On Saturdays, the train stops at every single station, so the ride takes 95 minutes rather than the express 50 minutes. Anyway, I'm up because this month is all about being active.

I had taken a hiatus of sorts this summer-- I just wasn't feeling much interest in doing stuff. Well that ended August 1. I'm fickle like that.

So John did end up going full time... he also took on a new role: now he's VP of Engineering. Yeah, Mr. Fancypants. He's going to be presenting at board meetings, meeting with investors, building the team. Maybe that's what triggered all these new activities. I do have a deep-seated fear that things will revert to those unhappy days when he was overworked, stressed, and depressed. But my approach to ward off the evil spirits? Fight even harder for work-life balance... INSIST on it. I know that MY work-life balance doesn't necessarily translate to him, but I'm sure it has some influence, especially since he always has the option to tag along on all the things I plan. And this time, hopefully, he'll understand that balance might just be the only thing that saves us. I still anticipate there will be a lot more me-time in the near future: that's simply the nature of him working at start-ups... But I'm not feeling resentful about it; I just want to make sure it doesn't stop me from doing things I want to do and from setting up my own personal support system that helps me cope with changes to the relationship.

So what's on the list? Well first things first.

House Crap
There's so much house shit that requires maintenance. The fence up front was falling over, like 70 degrees and about to crush the car. The screen door was all junked up (did someone cut through the screen to unlock the door before?), and the arbor beams at the front of the house looked like they were ready to collapse and kill someone. The good news is that I found a new, responsive contractor, and he completed all those tasks last month. Of course in the process, he found termites, so then we had to get another pest inspection, spray the area, etc. Speaking of pests, we have roof rats. I was seriously considering a peaceful co-existence with the rodents, but then John showed me a YouTube video: not only are these rats carriers of the bubonic plague, but one female can produce 900-1000 offspring a year!! Wtf? It's like attack of the aliens. Fuck that. They gots to go! The original plan was to poison them, but now John's worried the poison may kill other animals that get the bait. So now it'll have to be traps that break their necks. Ugh, poor critters.

There have also been a steady stream of burglaries in the neighborhood in the last year. You know I'm paranoid about that kind of shit. Who cares about the stuff, but I just have stressful dreams about coming home and well, shit happening to my person. So, we installed an alarm system. I know, it's such a yuppie thing, but our house is old, and the doors/windows just don't lock securely plus there's a lot of glass. On top of that, I have lost all confidence that the dogs will protect/alert us in any way. So we had the system installed two weeks ago-- so far so good.

I'm also trying to step things up with cleaning a little bit every day. John calls it my "power hour" but it actually runs far longer than 60 minutes. Basically, as soon as I get home, I start cleaning, de-cluttering, wiping, doing yard work. Yes, it is exhausting, but it's helpful not to let shit pile up. John and I are just messy people, so there is a constant, natural movement towards chaos. This is definitely a constant battle, but I don't want to put up with a dirty house and I'm still holding out against a house cleaner. I already have too many house expenses as is!

Professional Development
This month I decided it was time to tackle professional development. I've been scouring Eventbrite and the twitterfeeds for relevant tech talks, seminars, meetups, etc. I'm attending the WordPress conference this weekend in SF. Then I also signed up for Lynda.com to brush up on web-design related stuff plus javascript. I figured, work will pay for all of it, so really it's just my time. I'm also eyeing some classes at the local community colleges... not for tech stuff, but fun stuff: Spanish or singing... we'll see if I can settle on anything.

Regular Exercise
So John's done really well this summer, especially with going to the gym regularly. He's the skinniest he's been in like 10 years. Yeah, we did a closet cleanout and everything! So now I'm feeling inspired to get active again-- but of course without going to the gym. Hehe. So Tina and I are starting up our weekly rollerblading sessions. The pavement at the elementary school next door is actually pretty decent. Plus, it's a good time to talk shit about work and strategize with office politics and such. Always gotta be in the loop.

I found a ranch about 20 minutes away in Milpitas, so I started taking weekly riding lessons there. Pricing is super reasonable, the horses are so well cared for, the ranch is gorgeous (huge arena plus trails adjacent to open space!), and my instructor is the ranch owner-- a tried and true cowboy with about 40 years of experience. He's going to teach me how to rope eventually (after I get up to speed). :) I just love riding... it really is one of those things that just makes me smile every time I think of it. When does that ever happen, right??

I'm still doing Groupons and such. Jess and I got one for the same hot yoga studio, so we went to the first class earlier this month. Boy did I feel out of shape... I about died. Seriously. I was the big slacker in the class who stopped every 15 minutes to rest and drink water. Totally wussy, but I cannot handle nauseas.

My next Groupon activity is go-karting. A few of us are trying that out next Monday. I'm a little worried about crashing, especially if I'm racing alongside other people. I'm not exactly the safest driver. :) Eek.

John and I are coming up on our 15th anniversary... can you believe it? I'm thinking we'll do an archery lesson. John did one with his sister a couple months ago and enjoyed. He's probably awesome at it, with all the hours he clocked in high school and college playing assassin-type video games. I just hope my arrows don't fly rampant.

Starting it Up

2011-07-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

So John went back to work in June part-time as guy #3 at a start-up. Two weeks ago, that dynamic shifted as one founder ousted the other... now John's considering full-time. I suppose it's about that time again. He had a long sabbatical the first time around, and this second time around was definitely needed but I guess it's run its course as well. He made some huge strides in each, but with this latest one, he met some solid health goals, adopted a good routine, and the other day, he admitted that he had finally reached a happy place. Whew, is that all it took (right??)?

I think my defense mechanisms are on guard... I'm apprehensive about him being guy #2 at a start-up: the chaos is never good for stability and calm but at the same time, I admit that intellectually, those are the projects that draw him. So, here we go again. Are there new lessons? new tools? Yes, and I'm sure they'll be put to the test.

As for me, I wonder about the start-up job for myself. I am also drawn to the intensity and energy and pace, but I'm not convinced it's good for me. Sometimes secure and stable is comfortable. And I do enjoy my free time. :) I just worry about this government job making me soft. These are all things I need to actually devote some of my free time considering!!

In other news, my skin is better... still not to the level I'm aiming for but goddamn, the whole thing last month was such an ordeal. I was experiencing all kinds of disfigurement (months of this bullshit), so I went to my esthetician at the acne clinic. She suggested spironolactone. My med friend suggested I inquire with my primary care doctor. I contacted her, and she didn't feel comfortable prescribing for that use, so she recommended I see a dermatologist. Fine, whatever. Of course the derm was booked out like three weeks. When I finally saw her, she suggested changing my BCP and then going on Retin-A. Meanwhile, she wanted to try injecting me on the chin with some cortico-steroid. She said she wasn't sure if it would help but she totally passed it off as no big deal and worth a try. Fine, let's do it. Two weeks later, I get the bill and it's fucking $200+ out of pocket. Those injections were classified as "surgery"!! Jesus f-ing christ. I dunno, maybe this is how shit went down when my father was practicing, but I doubt it. I feel like my dad at least gave people a heads up for how much shit was gonna cost. Like he would tell them to admit to the hospital after midnight so they wouldn't be billed a whole day for just a couple hours in the late evening. No, $250 is not going to prevent me from buying groceries, but still, it's annoying that the doctor would ASSUME the procedure/med is something I could afford. I mean, I know most derm stuff is elective but still, I would have appreciated some kind of communication like, "I'm not sure if this injection will help at all, but if you want to give it a try, it costs $XYZ. Do you want to proceed?" Otherwise, how the hell am I supposed to know how much my insurance will cover? Btw, now that I think of it, in the past I have asked the cost of procedures, and typically, I get some lame response like, we don't know, you will have to call your insurance... ugh. Just seems like there could be a little more transparency there.

Ok, well time for an abrupt end to this posting. Hot tub time. :)

Facing the World

2011-06-16T00:26:00.000-07:00

Omfg, my skin is breaking out like crazy, and I am flipping out. Yes, my friends try to be nice and say that "it isn't so bad," but holy fuck, I look goddamn disfigured! Ugh. And in the last two weeks, I've woken up every morning telling myself that I cannot leave the damn house looking like this. I ultimately do but it's a tough fight with myself. All this fucking public exposure: Seriously, on Monday, I had my voice recital; on Tuesday, I went to a tech event (to further my "professional development"); and then tonight we had tickets to the theater.

I was thinking it was something from my diet, but I don't know. The skin people say bumps on the chin are attributed to hormonal imbalances... but how can my hormones be imbalanced when they are chemically controlled with BCP?? I swear to god, I will give up sugar, starch, iodide, whatever it takes. That is how desperate I feel. I mean, at the point where I don't want to leave the house? It brings back horrible memories from the past, and I will undergo lent or whatever if it gives me clear skin. Fucking a. But John is telling me he doesn't think it's food related. That could very well be true too.

I've been stressing out lately. First, my contract developer went MIA in April. The application he developed broke meanwhile, and now I'm fucking SOL. I'm going to Plan B now, but still it's been really stressful trying to figure out where the hell he'd gone, what happened, whether there was any chance he was returning. It's a long story, but let's just say I got the police involved. The latest news on him is that he is with family on the East Coast-- some family emergency. Mind you, not a fucking word from him via phone, email, or anything. Part of me is pissed, but then I try to let go: who knows how any of us would react when shit really goes down with family. I am trying to be patient and understanding. Still from a work perspective, this has been a hard lesson for me.

Then there's my friend who keeps flipping back and forth between staying and leaving her husband. She's one of my best friends, so I really took the breakup to heart, and in fact, I started projecting their circumstance onto my own. I suppose in the end, it boils down to whether you really believe one person can make you happy all the time. My position? If I spend a lifetime trying (unsuccessfully) to make myself happy, how can I expect that someone else can succeed? I do believe perfection exists-- but it's only out there for a handful of people. For the rest of us, there are good times and there are bad times-- just like life itself. Anyway, she pointed me to an interesting article, "Are you stuck in a semi-happy marriage?" More food for thought. Interestingly, in my recent discussions with her, I've learned of many years of resentment, and areas where actions and words cannot be forgiven. I must admit that I am not always careful of my words-- for me, it's more important to express the true feeling rather than to filter or tweak it diplomatically. Certainly, there's a fine line but if I've learned anything for my own relationship, speaking the issue at least minimizes accumulation of contempt. I've encouraged my friend to speak the truth, to tell him why she cannot go back to him... it's only fair that he learn the reasons, and I hope that learning them will help him move forward. A part of me feels like she is demanding too much from him while not exactly demanding the same of herself. She doesn't feel like he truly tried on issues/areas that were important to her. She says he was lazy-- he'd let himself go. But she never empowered herself to learn their finances... should that be considered laziness too? Regardless, I suppose the lesson is that now she understands empowerment is critical for self-sufficiency and independence. And at the same time, I hope he realizes how much she's given already to work things out.

And this is a reminder to myself to fight complacency. I'm signing up for a bunch of new activities to get back into exercising, hobbies, professional development, networking... because you never really know how life can change. I need to be ready for anything. Maybe my shitty skin is telling me to go on the fruit flush again...

Feeling Better

2011-06-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

I had an early birthday party last Friday. Luckily, I also had that day off from work, so John and I had the entire day to prepare. It was a relatively small party-- only 11 people or so-- but it's still always a full day's thing, especially because Bubs likes to make everything from scratch. The star item on his menu was burnt ends bbq beef. He got a new smoker, and we started cooking eight pounds of meat at 10 a.m. Of course, his work didn't end there: he also insisted on making the homemade BBQ sauce plus all the meal accompaniments: guac, two salsas, asparagus salad, azteca salad (quinoa, jicama, mango ginger dressing), baked beans with bacon, corn on the cob... and people complemented with beverages, potato salad, corn bread, and gourmet ice cream (brown butter and salt/pepper!). Yup, it was a total feast.

The group dynamics also seemed to mesh pretty well-- lots of people from my former workplace plus my current workplace plus oldies like G&J. By now, I think they've all seen the others enough times to pick up where they had last left off.

We did lots of activities too: J&J got me a red bull piñata stuffed with candy and hotel toiletries (totally up my alley); we did some karaoke (old school 80s); and then we finished the night with G&J schooling us on hip hop dance moves on the Xbox Kinect. All in all, I was really happy with how everything turned out. Even though I do relish all the soiree details, above all, I just felt happy to be amongst friends. And Bubbey really made me feel loved. Oftentimes, I feel like we struggle with expressing love (we have different primary love languages), but with the party and all the preparations involved, I appreciated his multiple acts of service. He really paid attention to the details-- from cooking dishes that I love to chilling my favorite sweet Riesling, to getting my favorite cake. It was so very sweet, and I felt truly happy that night.

The rest of the weekend finished up well. Saturday rained all day, and we just slept in (that party wiped us out big time), but in the evening, we went to Red Rock Coffee House to catch some live music. I felt like we were finally getting back on track. Today (Sunday), I woke up and went to yoga. Sure, I was out of shape following my one-month slump, but it still felt good, and I thought that I might just get back into it again. In the afternoon, I headed to "Book Club"-- my euphemism for "Craft Club"... I just like that Book Club sounds nerdier. :) Anyway, a few of us work friends made lunch and then worked on our Martha Stewart piggy banks. Last year, I had made a piggy and a water buffalo. The water buffalo got fucked up in the move, so now I'm repairing him. Ultimately, it's just a good excuse to hang out and talk shit about work.

So tomorrow is back to the office, and I feel rested and content. I hope this is indication that my latest funk is now over. Yeah, I know, I'll have to check back at the end of the week. :) Certainly things can change day to day, but I'm going to bed tonight feeling hopeful.

These pictures kinda help with that: they make me smile. Supposedly, there is also video footage of me bludgeoning my beautiful red bull. Stay tuned: more to come.

Searching for Answers

2011-06-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

My friend whom I mentioned in the last posting, pointed me to an interesting talk about personality types. Obviously, I've been obsessed recently with two things: personality tests and relationship compatibility studies. When I took this test, it spit out a disappointing answer: Director-Builder. Why was I disappointed? Because the Director is supposed to be a real power player. The director gets shit done, takes care of business, manages people, is successful. Sure, I get things done on a small scale, but I don't feel like I'm the successful, kickbutt power player. Maybe I spent too much time in the last decade diluting my natural inclinations. Why? Because I was trying to be more compromising, more accommodating. And in the process of trying to become a better person for people I love, I lost that edge that maybe would have resulted in me truly rising to something, truly accomplishing something. And the irony is, I softened all these things about me for other people, and in the end, they still insist that I'm Type A or a director or an administrator or whatever. In the end, they don't even acknowledge me for trying to accommodate them.

I guess other people don't see it, but I made a conscious, dramatic shift from my true nature. People say that I'm judgmental but in my earlier years, I was REALLY judgemental-- I adopted a position, and I didn't waver. I liked to view all situations-- even complex ones-- in black and white. That was my tendency. As I grew older, that "style" started to feel rigid, unyielding, and overly simplistic, especially when trying to relate to others, so then I tried really hard to understand other perspectives even if I had felt an initial affinity for one. I tried to be more empathetic to others, and then, I started becoming consumed by "analysis paralysis." Where I was once decisive, I was now indecisive. I thought life was just getting more complicated.

Maybe that was true also, but I definitely proactively tried to change who I was. I thought my life would be better and fuller if I were more compassionate, more extroverted, more flexible. I thought I would be a better person, a more supportive friend or companion. And now I realize that all these changes have caused me stress. I know, because I lose sleep worrying about finding solutions and answers for other people. I feel anxious about all the elements that are beyond my control, and I only feel (mildly) better when I start to compulsively control little things that are just me-- what I eat, how I look, how I go about my daily schedule... in the chaos, I grasp desperately for ways to find black and white.

At the end Dr. Fisher's lengthy talk, someone asks whether people can change their type over time, and Dr. Fisher asserts that these types are rooted in biology. So while people can behave and move amongst the types, ultimately, they grow exhausted if they behave "out of type" for extended periods. In other words, denying your natural type is unsustainable long term.

My friend told me that in her marriage, she had been extremely accommodating; she had lost herself in the marriage. Dr. Fisher mentions meeting a lady who admitted not being herself the entire 15 years that she was married. She divorced. I wonder if this is how my friend now feels. Could this be my case as well? Have I acted in a manner that is unsustainable? Is that why I feel so damn tired of everything?

I keep taking these tests. Why? Because I'm a Director. I want reasons, logic, rationale for everything. I want to believe there is science behind relationships and compatibility. John insists he is a negotiator-builder, which is the "right" match for a director-builder. I'm not so sure he is what he claims. But even if the results confirmed him, does that make me feel better? I don't know. Why all this doubt?

I guess my friend's decision to divorce has caused some inner turmoil for me. I wonder about all the things she says, and I wonder if they apply to me. I am questioning the longevity of relationships. I am questioning what it means to stay true to myself. For example, I don't like things to drag on. I don't like procrastination of anything-- chores, tasks, life questions. I seek resolutions with extreme urgency.

Our marriage has become strained the last few years. There are good periods and bad periods, but overall I suppose things have been inconsistent and very touch and go. That has worn on me, and now, as I watch my friend walk away from her uncertainty, I wonder if I should do the same. The director values decisiveness and solutions. The builder values trust and loyalty.

John has really stepped up his game in the last month since our meltdown at the end of April. But I haven't been feeling well. I feel tapped out, unmotivated. I'm trying to get my groove back. I'm trying to self motivate. And I keep taking these tests... I'm searching for resolution somewhere.

The End

2011-05-22T23:43:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. What is love? How do people express it? When there is disconnect, is it due to lack of love or simply lack of capacity? Fidelity, as you know, has always intrigued me, because it's this violation of trust, a breach of honesty... these acts aren't committed by strangers: they are committed by people for whom there is utmost faith and confidence. Have you ever been betrayed on a level so deep that it changes how you view the world? Even if the doubt and uncertainty influence your relationships for only a few years, the innocence and naivety are gone forever.

My friend is filing for divorce, because trust has been broken, not by infidelity but by substance abuse. Words expressing apology and contrition, no matter how sincere now, are only words that didn't align with the actions.

I read a disturbing article yesterday about Political Sham Marriages. Basically, the author refuses to sympathize with educated women married to men who are either alleged or confirmed cheaters. The accusation is that these wives tolerate the infidelity in exchange for their own power and political gain. The article irks me on so many levels. First, love is a complicated thing. It really is. Regardless of socio-economic or political status, love isn't simply about "I love you and you love me." And who the fuck is she to question whether Shriver's love is true or not. Sure, adultery seems like a pretty difficult action to place under the love column, but hell, does she know the stats on infidelity? The percentages are pretty fucking high, inside or outside of politics, so is she saying then that most people in marriages and relationships in fact do NOT love each other?

That's why I'm asking: what is love? This notion of forever, of unyielding loyalty... who are we fooling? Do you know people who have cheated? been cheated on? It's a depressing state of affairs, no pun intended. What I'm saying is, why should we withhold empathy for Maria Shriver? Because she should have known better? Honestly, if that were the case, everyone should know better and no one should be in a relationship at all. Because, just point to the numbers. Odds are, you're going to screw or get screwed.

Forgiveness can happen. Change can happen. I like that saying, "Dance like no one's watching, sing like no one's listening, and love like you've never been hurt before." or however that saying goes... But that's where individual capacity comes into play. After feeling pain and betrayal, do you have the capacity to live again with the same vigor? And if you have the capacity, do you have the will to risk it all again?

My friend is leaving. She has neither the will nor capacity to risk it all again. And so that's where things end... when one person is done punching the timecard. I suppose the triggers that push you to that threshold vary. There are no right answers, and life has a funny way of circling from one end to another beginning. Still, it's hard to watch the end of something I once witnessed as true and loving. All these paths in life-- they seem so dramatically different and yet their beginnings-- all started at a single trailhead.

2011-05-05T22:14:00.001-07:00

Colorado Redux

2011-05-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

Last week, John and I hit another breaking point. Ironically, the fight started the night of our 8th wedding anniversary. He said he was thinking about going back to work... Since all his contacts work at start-ups, those are the only options he is currently considering. Given his history with start-ups, I immediately expressed my reservations about those very limited options. What he needed (and yes, that's how I said it), was a comprehensive search that involved combing the job ads, researching companies, and making new professional contacts. He argued that introverts don't hunt for jobs that way, and that was that: within a few short minutes, the conversation had turned sour. I pulled out my laptop and started hunting for my own options... when other things are beyond my control, I can only refocus on myself. He, on the other hand, went to watch tv, and that's how our special day ended.

The next morning, I was furious that voicing my concerns resulted in a curt and pissy conversation followed by the cold shoulder. I made a medical appointment to deal with my breakouts again (hmm, stress maybe?), and during the long drive, I thought long and hard about how I was no longer able to communicate my thoughts to him. I thought about how, after five years, I still hadn't determined the "proper" way to support a depressed person. I thought of another day of work-- totally shot due to my preoccupation with our sometimes strained relationship. Was our eight years of marriage something to celebrate, or was it simply a symbol of stubbornness? Were we just dragging out something that had lost its magic?

The last time I had visited the therapist, it was following another blow-up. My takeaway from that session? She said that by my efforts trying to be patient and trying to respect that he was not Type A, had in fact "made room for the depression to grow." In suppressing my own needs and denying my own voice, I had practically grabbed depression a seat at the table. But what are my needs exactly? I didn't even know I had needs.. I just wanted him to be happy-- however way he wanted to get there, on whatever timeline.

But no, now I was being told that I was an enabler. So last week, after replaying all of this through my mind, I decided that hard-ass needed to make a comeback. I wasn't going to live like this anymore. Whatever the problem, figure it out. See someone every fucking day if you have to. I have waited 9 months and now 4 months, and we are still dealing with this bullshit. I am not going to censor myself anymore. Get help, because handling your shit on your own isn't working.

I suppose my anger got the better of me that day, because the message delivery was angry and swift and blunt. Consequently, the response was a blow-up of tremendous magnitude. And just like that, the rest of the day was shot.

Thankfully, a few hours later, things calmed and we returned to the drawing board. Who knew so many damn shrinks would either be "no longer accepting new patients" or fully booked a month and a half out. FML, right? Back to the waiting game. Fucking A.

Of course, prior to the blowup, we had planned a weekend getaway in Colorado to celebrate our anniversary. The significance? We had gone to Boulder about 11 years ago, when life was grand(er). We really loved the mountains. Now the trip just felt like bad timing.

Luckily, we made the most of it and the trip ended up being a nice little break/escape: a bit of hiking, lots of good food, some city walking, plenty of hot tubbing, and many hours of sleep in a comfy bed. We had fun.

There are still many moments when I obsess over what to do, how to be, how to help, how to self-preserve... My natural inclination is to be impatient and to search endlessly for SOMEthing. It's like when I have a scab, I never let it be-- I always pick and scratch until it bleeds. I'm trying to learn to let things be, to not insist on answers... but it's hard, because I believe so strongly in living with intention and purpose.

It seems like there must be a way of living, of coexisting happily and peacefully in the presence of depression. But I feel a deep inner pain wondering how long and how hard to reach for this notion-- is it even realistic and attainable?

I think I'm a romantic at heart-- I believe strongly in the power of love. I believe it conquers many things. Still, even I'll admit that love isn't always enough, and love doesn't always have a happy ending (You've seen The Breakup!). Ultimately, we're responsible for our own lives and our own choices.

Hawaii Pics

2011-04-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

Island Time

2011-04-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

John and I are back from a short vacation in Hawaii. We went with our friends J&J, who also accompanied us on our trip to Chicago in February. In six days, we hit the Big Island and Kauai. Many of my coworkers expressed disbelief that a vacation to paradise could be made so short, but frankly, 3 out of 4 of us are Type A, and I have to say, six days on Island Time is plenty.

Let's start at the beginning: a rocky start indeed. Why? Because on the 5.5-hr flight, there were FIVE kids evenly distributed in our row and the row behind. And they were little kids-- the kinds who don't yet know what it means to behave: noisy, screaming, crying, irritable mother fuckers. Normally, I sleep on planes, and given that we had arisen at the butt-crack of dawn (4:30 a.m.) to catch this flight, I was banking on those precious 5+ hours. But no. No such luck. I said goodbye to my zzz's as soon as I approached my row and saw the rugrats. Why do people with noisy kids travel in public vehicles? Don't they have to be confined to a mini-van or something? I have low tolerance for kids, especially noisy, ill-behaved ones. After all, I used to be one, and I know firsthand, there should be no mercy for my kind.

Despite the stressful start to our vacation, we ended up salvaging a pretty good time...

First though, the bad. I've really developed an affinity for cities and urban areas, and well, Hawaii was pretty much the opposite of that. Both islands only seemed to have one or two main roads, and the max speed limit was like 45 mph. Everything just felt slow, and I know, I was on vacation, so really there wasn't a reason to move quickly except that that's just how I kinda operate. On top of that, our friends themselves are quite the go-getters. I mean, they run marathons and triathlons and the like, so you know their pace is way beyond island time. Fortunately, besides the slow pace, Hawaii was a welcoming destination. The weather, albeit a little inconsistent, was never horrendous, and I quite enjoyed leaving the house in shorts and a tee. Even when it misted, the rain and air were warm. And my goodness, when the sun was out, boy did it pack some heat. I was with the three whitest people on earth (practically!), and in a matter of just minutes, their fair skin turned bright red. Me? I roasted to a toasty brown. Too bad the tan's not going to stick around, because I love being dark. Makes me feel like I could actually pass for being Native American mix. :)

We had a very full six days. One of our early discoveries? The pineapple corer. Don't let the simple design and plastic material deceive you: that device is fucking genius. We were shucking these spiny, prickly babies in just minutes. And my god. Fresh, ripe pineapple is so delicious. The Chinese insist that it's a "fire" food that causes your body and skin to inflame, so it should only be eaten in moderation. But whatever, I was on vacation and that shit was divine. I need to get me a corer just so I can continue my fascination with this brilliant invention.

We really enjoyed the food in Hawaii. The fish, and poke in particular, was so fresh. And like the Far East Asians, the Hawaiians love taro. One famed bakery had this doughy, taro sweet bread. We devoured that loaf in no time. We also had these delightful skinny pina coladas + lavender at 22 North in Lihue. Such an enjoyable meal with friends. Then on one of our last days, we consumed a wonderfully moist and light coconut cake. Pretty much, lots of foods with pineapple and coconut. So tropical.

In terms of attractions, we encountered sea turtles on the Black Sand Beaches. We got our feet wet at the Kopoho Tide Pools. We hiked 7 miles in Volcano National Park-- not particularly pretty but the geology is certainly unique. Unfortunately, there was no visible lava flowing anywhere on the island. In Hilo, we hit the Mauna Loa macadamia nut factory, where the self-guided tour was totally lame, but that didn't stop us from buying/consuming a shitload of chocolate-covered macadamia treats. The Pana'ewa Zoo was an unexpected stopover, but it was very nicely done. Then, we also hit the Tropical Botanical Garden, which was massive and very impressive. We spent a fair amount of time in the car shuttling around from one place to the other... consequently, I often felt sleepy. :)

In Kauai, the weather was much sunnier. We caught the sunset and sunrise at Poipu Beach; we saw more sea turtles; we attempted snorkeling (apparently as I have aged, I've developed acrophobia, claustrophobia, and hydrophobia-- not good for snorkeling with a foggy mask during high tide); we went to Waimea Canyon (my favorite), and the list goes on (seriously). Still spent a lot of time in the car driving to dry caves, other beaches, closed bakeries (inside joke), etc. but hey, we did walk four miles one night for groceries, so I got my exercise in.

Btw, I'm convinced that my feet are deformed. I swear I wore comfy shoes, and I still got crazy blisters on my left pinky toe. It wasn't nearly as bad as Spain, but damnit, I came pretty damn close to amputating that fucking lame appendage. Seriously, I should be able to hike 7 miles one day and walk 4 miles another day without having a big bubble toe. At night, I would pop the bubble with a toothpick, but invariably, by morning that shit would be puffy again. TMI? Tough shit.

I didn't rest so well on Kauai either. Why? Because there were feral chickens all over the damn island, and they started squawking every morning at about 4-5 a.m. Yup. I'm usually anti-violence, especially with animals, but I swear, had I had a baseball bat, one morning I would have easily clocked a couple of those buggers out. Enough is enough!

Long story short, we had a fun time. Hawaii wasn't as pretty as I had remembered-- still very pretty, but I guess I had insane expectations. Regardless, we had a fun time hanging with our buds and we are happy to be back home with the pups.

Interestingly, Martin welcomed us home that first night by laying a massive double-fisted dollop of turd in the kitchen. Our dogs are fully housebroken-- they haven't done something like this in like 10+ years! But I guess Marty got stopped up. He can be a bit particular about where and when he takes a dump. So, I awoke around 2 a.m. with him pacing around the bed. I opened the kitchen door as he hurried outside, but I guess the damage had already been done. Not cool, Martin Lawrence, not cool.

More Sleep

2011-04-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

John recently read a WSJ article claiming that fewer than 3% of all adults can truly get by on just 5-6 hours of sleep every night. For some odd reason, after I learned about this study, I started going to bed a few hours earlier than my usual time. It was a weird thing. Nine-thirty, ten o'clock would roll around, and I would just want to go to bed. Maybe it's the still erratic weather (one day warm, one day cold, one day wet, one day dry...)? I don't know. I found myself having INSANE dreams, often about past crushes (??). Then, 7 a.m. would roll around, and I was ready to wake. Nine to ten hours of sleep a night? Exorbitant, isn't it? Yeah, it feels ridiculous. I won't make a habit of it, but I suppose it was fun to try for a week. No big changes. In fact, I probably feel more lethargic the more I sleep. Who knows how that biorhythm stuff works.

In other news, things with the hubster are going well. Couples therapy shifted into individual therapy, on the suggestion of the counselor, so we'll see how that progresses. We're getting ready to go on a big trip with some friends. Just a short getaway, but I'm very excited to get my heat on. After that, we're approaching our 8th wedding anniversary, and we're going to celebrate with a visit to a fav city of ours from about ten years ago.

No Shame

2011-03-12T20:58:00.000-08:00

Btw, people often tell me, "I can't believe you wrote that in your blog. I hope so-and-so doesn't read what you wrote about her." Well, welcome to my world, where I write what I want to write, and I say what I want to say. Hell, I don't care if my friend reads my post-- she already knows what I've written in it, because I've told her (well except for that ONE incident a couple years ago around my birthday). Yeah, maybe this should just be a private diary. Maybe, but the way I see it, this is MY blog. I set the parameters, and for me, there is no shame in the truth. And if these words make you cringe, you can stop reading.

It HAS been a very difficult last four years for my relationship, but I'm not ashamed of the challenges. John and I are just two people who fell in love a long time ago, and who embarked together on this journey of life. Depression, unhappiness, frustration, annoyance are not feelings that only we experience. As far as I know, these conditions are, unfortunately, more commonplace than people tend to admit. The bottom line is, our relationship ebbs and flows, and I speak openly and honestly without apology.

A Heavy Heart

2011-03-12T20:41:00.000-08:00

Every time I travel alone, I get into a funk. I always start off excited and optimistic, anticipating the independence and liberation and freedom of solo travel, but pretty much just minutes into the trip, I start listening to tunes, and my mind wanders off to all sad thoughts.

For months, I’ve been looking forward to this trip. The original purpose was to attend a nonprofit tech conference, which I attend every year in different cities across the country, but since the event this year was in DC, I also made plans to combine a host of other things— visiting my family, hanging with my college buds, and checking in on our townhouse in Virginia. Yes, I thrive on multitasking and keeping a busy schedule— it makes me feel alive.

Earlier John had mentioned possibly joining me for the trip, but I wanted to just do my own thing. I had planned to stay with my Duke roommie, and frankly, this was going to be an opportunity to be nostalgic, reconnect, and just hang. Plus at the time that I had made the plans, I actually wanted a break from the relationship— not a hall pass or anything, but just a respite from having to deal with another person.

This past week was very emotional. The weekend prior, John felt depressed again for no identifiable reason. Then through a series of small incidents, I grew disappointed, frustrated, and also depressed. Sunday was spent mostly in bed. I tried to cheer myself up on Monday night by doing a DIY project. On Tuesday, I made a mental note to celebrate International Women's Day.

Tuesday morning started off pretty ordinarily. I was running late to work and I asked him to tie my new bracelet. After hemming and hawing over how to tie the knot, I lost patience, said just forget it, and stormed off to work. When I got to work, I started drafting an email apologizing for flipping out about the bracelet. And then I realized this wasn’t about the fucking bracelet. I was tired and exhausted from having to be and do so many things all the time and for so damn long. For years, I had researched resources, trying to find solutions to his depression— searching desperately for ways to make him happy. This was about me realizing that I no longer enjoyed spending time with him. I no longer had a best friend. What had happened to the joy he used to bring? Was this simply the inevitable aging of a relationship? Fatigue, annoyance, frustration?

I thought about the happy days. Were they insincere? Fake? How long ago were they? And then I just lost it. Right there in my cubicle with an outburst of sobbing (the magnitude of which had previously been elicited only by Marcus in About a Boy and Noah and Allie in The Notebook). On hearing the commotion, my coworkers rushed to my cube. Was it Remy? I knew this was a breaking point.

For years, I had tried the “project management” approach to his depression. I had researched resources, read stories, gathered data of other peoples’ experiences, tried individual therapy, couples therapy… nothing helped, and people suggested that I was possibly pushing him too hard. That he needed to reach a place on his own, with his own schedule. So I stepped back. I didn’t ask for a time line, I just waited. And to occupy myself during the wait, I focused on elements that only I could control— hobbies, activities, solo trips to visit friends, work, exercise, my hair, my skin, etc. These focal points brought me happiness, and I enjoyed learning new skills, but I also noticed a growing distance. Slowly, I stopped wanting to spend time with him; I didn’t want to ask him to do things just to hear him express disinterest or ambivalence, so I essentially turned to others to fill the void of losing my best friend.

In response to my meltdown email, John apologized and admitted that he hadn’t realized how much this situation had worn me down. And almost immediately, he started to step up the game, tackling all sorts of things that had languished on the to do list.

Meanwhile this week I scheduled an appointment to resume therapy. I learned a lot of things from my session on Thursday. First, the therapist acknowledged the “tremendous patience” I had demonstrated living with a depressed person for so long (almost 4 years). And then she said that even though I thought I was doing the right thing by doing my own activities and by letting him try to work things out on his own schedule, I had in fact denied/neglected my own needs for the relationship. And without knowing, perhaps I had enabled the depression by giving it more space. Wow. Seriously, how is anyone supposed to know the “right” approach? Fucking A.

Leaving for my DC trip today, I felt pretty good. I was seeing changes in his behavior and attitude. In addition, he had agreed to participate in couples counseling, and I was feeling optimistic that things were going to be fine. And then, as I boarded the plane, John sent me a text message. His best friend from college was dead. WHAT??

Here was a guy who had grown up with privilege. I didn’t hold it against him (after all, who am I?). He was a dreamer/idealist/iconoclast of sorts-- even though our personalities clashed in many ways, I could identify with his never-ending search for something (happiness perhaps). He might have been physically lazy, but his mind was always thinking about the next thing— a business venture, a new exercise plan, SOMEthing. And over the years, I came to see that his conversations with John were stimulating in ways different from our own conversations. Eventually, I had forgiven him for past transgressions, bad decisions, and foolish behaviors. Maybe he wasn’t a “bad” person after all.

In the last several years, John told me he had gotten into drugs and alcohol. I couldn’t understand the self-destructive behavior, the squandering of love and opportunity from those around him. I can’t even remember the last time I saw him. And now he’s dead. The details are unclear. Maybe I'm drawing conclusions.

Goddamn, mortality is so freaking depressing. I think of people I know who are currently battling advanced stages of cancer. What is it like to feel the finiteness of life? I spend so much time keeping busy, filling my time slots with activities... what’s it like to realize that those calendar slots are limited? How would I fill them differently? Am I living my life as I should? People always say that in the face of death, they realize there are so many things they would have done differently. Is that difference only elicited when faced with the unexpected/untimely end, or is that new style of living supposed to be implemented “as if” life were to end sooner than later? Ugh, it’s all just too much. I feel anxious and unsettled.

What is important in this life? And is their importance constant or variable based on all the other conditions? I don’t honestly know. My guess is that the answer is somewhere in between, in the gray area. I love the color gray, but Jesus, I hate gray areas in life. I really do. My brain just doesn’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to juggle opposing ideas/situations/thoughts. It’s so damn chaotic.

So now I am thinking about his friend again. I used to think he was a bad person, because he asked so much of the people around him. He never seemed to give back. But over time, I saw that he offered something to everyone around him. Maybe it wasn’t a balanced friendship, but he provoked thought, he was unconventional, and in many ways, he was unafraid. I feel so sad. Sad that he was so troubled for so long. I feel sad for his parents who never gave up trying. I feel angry— why couldn't he find happiness with all the resources he had around him? Why didn’t he convert everyone’s love and good intention into something positive?

Substance abuse. I’ve lived a life very sheltered from such demons; I don’t really see it or hang with people who blatantly abuse. And yet, I know people who have fallen into that rut: I have heard about the feelings of betrayal, of frustration...

Is it fair to blame people for not getting better? Why do I feel a need to place blame somewhere and on someone? How do we protect against abuse? Argh. Some say it’s genetic, chemical, biological. Does that mean we should demonstrate more leniency? More patience? Admit defeat and give up? Can we demand that the person override what may possibly be intrinsic to his/her DNA? Is that just an excuse? I just want people I care about to be happy and safe and healthy. Why does that sometimes feel like asking the impossible?

He died too young. I had been rooting for him too. I thought that one day in the near future, we would hear good news from him. I didn’t want this to be the end, and honestly, even though death is always a possibility, I had never fully considered it a viable outcome. I wonder if his parents will eventually find relief from his death. Is it better to watch helplessly as someone you love self destructs, or is it better to have ongoing pain and frustration end but to suffer grief from loss? People say the human spirit is remarkably resilient. After enduring unspeakable pain, it can still remember and recall hope and promise and love and joy.

Reflections

2011-03-05T21:14:00.000-08:00

My honey turned 35 yesterday. The new age feels subtle and yet provocative. At first, it's like, "ah yeah, we're just continuing down our 30-somethings paths," but reflecting on it more, this midpoint of the decade somehow feels like a milestone... and I'm not even the one who's 35.

John was away for several days last week-- he'd returned home to Maryland to visit with the parentals. He came back with a renewed sense of vigor, prompted in part, by witnessing his parents' lifestyle. It got me thinking again about change-- people who welcome and embrace it and people who are either incapable or are resistant. Life can be so random... no matter how good you get at preparing/predicting/anticipating what's coming down the line, wacky curves, bumps, and obstacles can still arise, and either you're nimble, or life slowly beats you down.

I had a long conversation recently with my parents. One of their closest friends-- the wife-- is extremely ill. Our two families grew up together. They had two kids, we had two kids. We went to Disney together, did family trips and such. Several months ago, doctors thought her facial shift was attributed to Bell's Palsy. A few weeks ago, her condition was diagnosed as stage 4 lung cancer. My parents saw her two months ago before their trip to Taiwan. When they returned, things had completely changed.

On learning the news, I couldn't contain my anger and frustration: why hadn't the doctors detected this? (Growing up with a physician father, I NEVER question the competency/judgement of doctors). But these are our family friends-- not some random, unfortunate medical story received through hearsay. Wtf? My father tried to explain that the signs for this disease rarely appear before the late stages...

Since our conversation, I've been thinking everyday about our friends, hoping things are getting better. In the meantime, I am reminded to take each day as it comes, to feel grateful for the love and support of my family and my friends. I don't want to dwell on petty things. I can distract myself with frivolous matters for entertainment and for laughter, but I want to stay grounded. I want to delineate clearly what is important.

Over the last several years, I've noticed a quiet change in my father: perhaps an unmentioned realization that maybe life isn't all about working your ass off, about proving your "rightness" over someone else's "wrongness." My father has become much more muted in his comments, in his "advice." He doesn't fight or argue anymore. The blood doesn't boil like it used to. I almost liken it to what my instructor told us at the self-defense class: don't waste your energy fighting and yelling and screaming. Wait to get into the right position, and then when you finally make the move, don't hold anything back. I suppose my father no longer sweats the little things. It's a perspective I also need to adopt and practice.

That's not to say that his brain ever stops churning: he never ceases observing and evaluating. Even if he is more silent and more subdued than his former self, he's always thinking about how to optimize. Witnessing the declining health of several friends and colleagues, he now prioritizes his health with renewed motivation. He's watching his diet, he's walking, he's staying mentally active while keeping the negative energy in check. He tells me he wants to live for a long time. I'm comforted and relieved to know that he'll do everything he can to meet that objective. Life might still present the unexpected, but at least he's proactive about his aim. My mother, on the other hand, lacks the motivation. She wants the same things, but she doesn't seem pushed to the same extent. Why is that? I don't know. It's a constant mystery to me what motivates people: personal experiences? books? movies? My father says he will keep trying to encourage her.

I've learned a lot watching my father. It's not that there aren't shortcomings, but his strengths really do inspire me to do better.

First Impressions

2011-02-16T22:44:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, John and I did something we hadn’t done in a long, long time: we traveled to a new city. I’ve never really considered us jetsetters or anything, but I used to identify myself as someone who enjoyed traveling. But after we acquired Laura last May, we just stopped. Maybe it was a natural progression—buying a home turned on the nesting juices; maybe I just got burned out with all the home remodeling and lost the energy to travel; maybe I felt like completion of the construction necessitated a period of staying put, as appreciation and recognition for getting the job done. Whatever the reason, I started feeling stagnant—being a homebody wouldn’t have been so bad except there were no game nights, no hosted dinners, no anything.

Thankfully the new year has given me a swift kick in the ass, and now I feel ready to pick up where we’d left off. In early Fall, I’d received news that Les Mis- the musical that had ended its US run a couple years back, was touring again for its 25th anniversary. Yes, that’s what took us this last weekend to Chicago. Since my friend Joe is also a Les Mis fanatic, and Chicago was also on his and Jess’ list of new cities to explore, what better time to visit the Windy City than the dead of winter, right?

Actually, we lucked out. The prior week, Chicago had been pummeled with a massive, record-breaking blizzard. Amazingly, for the two days we were there, the weather was nice and warm and sunny. We couldn’t have asked for anything better. Chicago was such a cool place—we walked everywhere and checked out so many places—the Field Museum, John Hancock Observatory, Millennium Park, Culture Center, etc…

The city was so large—its expanse reminded me of a lot of NYC but fortunately, without the attitude, high maintenance peeps, and dinginess. The only half-downside was the food—super tasty but super unhealthy and fatty. Yup, another few days there and my Tracy Anderson program would have been thrown off the table completely.
Also, this was our first time on a true destination vacation with J & J, and it worked out beautifully. Super chill, no drama, no annoyances. Yay.

My take aways from the trip?

I can handle cold weather destinations so long as I’m prepared (nearly always the case!).
My waterproof Timberland boots continue to rock. They take me all kinds of distance in all sorts of environments.
I’m going to give Les Mis a rest. Yes, I have to say, the original style remains the best, and I was honestly a little bummed by the contemporary tweaks… it’s ok, I still enjoyed the production and I still cried like a sissy but I’m realizing that there are plenty of other musicals to see. Next up? Billy Elliot and Miss Saigon (repeat).

In other news, I have my second singing class tomorrow. I’ve been practicing the exercises (albeit not every day as suggested), but I’m still skeptical how the teacher is going to take this shit voice of mine to the next level… I’ve also been scrolling through my ipod in search of a song to sing for the recital. I probably know Les Mis the best, but a musical of that caliber seems a pretty lofty goal for a newbie like me, so maybe something more modern? Fuck, I don’t know. At this point, nothing seems doable. Any ideas? Sara Bareilles, Fiona Apple, Dido, Ingrid Michaelson, Madonna??? Ugh, maybe teacher will have some thoughts.

Visiting Friends

2011-02-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

I just realized that the title of this post can be read two different ways, with visiting as a verb or as a participle. I know, I'm a dork. The new year's been a busy one so far. After my mid-January trip to LGB to visit Pamela, I had a weekend to chill and then my friend Nathalie came for a visit. She had never been to the SF Bay area, so the touristy thing was in order. I really kinda hate doing touristy things (she knows this), but I tried to be reasonable to a Bay Area newbie. Playing host just kinda stresses me out-- having to plan transportation, scheduling, meals, etc... for like five full days. Even when my parents visit, I get stressed taking them places. Luckily since my parents have been to the area three times already, I already developed a list of ideas. But with Nathalie, we had kind of lost touch on and off over the last two years, so even though we were close friends from way back (middle and high school), I just wasn't sure what she'd be up for. Ahead of her arrival, I sent her the list, and she narrowed down a few items, but unfortunately, when she arrived, her knee had been hurting (she had a bad fall at work followed by surgery last year), so that kind of limited things to do. But it was good reconnecting and catching up. Still, I was really pooped afterwards (I am a true introvert!). Socializing with others exhausts me, even if I'm having fun. I just don't take well to constant contact (John's probably the only person I can hang around for longer than a few days without getting too irritable, and even he can only last a few days beyond that... :)).

Anyway, Nathalie and I did a lot in five days... we walked around Monterey, hit up the Gilroy outlets, rode the Roaring Camp train through the redwoods in Santa Cruz, picnicked at a local winery, caught a movie, sang karaoke (twice!), ate some yummy sushi, Thai, cooked at home, and ventured into the SF to ride the cable cars and eat some clam chowder along Fisherman's Wharf. The bummer of the visit? While in SF, I got lost and made an illegal u-turn. Yup, sucks, especially now that my clean record (since 2003) is marred. I feel like I just ruined my perfect attendance record at school. Oh well, at least no one was injured.

Since the visit, I've been getting back up to speed at work and also getting into my latest OCD activity: I'm trying the Tracy Anderson Method. Yup, why not. I've always wanted a dancer's body, so this time, we'll see what something like that takes. (Damn you, Black Swan. Natalie Portman made me feel like such a sloth!) The Tracy videos are not easy (lots of pain and burning), but I've done 2 days and already I can feel a difference (maybe it's just wishful thinking).

Today I am crazy sore... I think it's because I did Tracy Anderson Friday night and then kickboxing Saturday morning and trampolining Saturday night? I dunno, everything just hurts. Hopefully today's day of rest will suffice and tomorrow I'll be back and ready. Fingers crossed.

Version 2.0

2011-01-23T23:52:00.000-08:00

First month into the new year, and I'm already creating a new version of me. Last time I wrote, I was pissed and angry and well, disgruntled. My weekend getaway in Long Beach turned out to be just the antidote I needed. Hanging with Pamela is like wearing pajamas-- it's just so easy, so comfortable, so great. We hit the ground running the night I flew in. Hit the supermarket on the way from the airport to her home (gotta squeeze in those errands!), hung a bit with her hubby, and then we headed out to a nightclub. Yup, totally anti-me, but what the heck? She wanted me to meet her friends and well, they wanted to go to a gay dance club. Let's just say, the experience was majorly traumatic. I saw all kinds of crazy bumpin' and grindin'. This was like ten times worse than watching Jersey Shore. And people wear the skankiest stuff and bust out the trashiest moves! Seriously, do I need to see you doing doggie-style on the dance floor???

I don't dance, so I just sat at the table observing all this in utter horror. Fortunately, in my old age, I've grown more tolerant of uncomfortable environments. Had I gone to a dance club a year or two back, I would have been stressed out about being the one lame person sitting at the table not participating. But now that I'm mid-30s, it doesn't bother me that much. They can go do their thing, and I'll just watch (while maintaining composure) and just count down the minutes until the misery is over. In the older version of me, I probably would have gotten upset at Pamela too for subjecting me to this, but you know what? She's had a rough year, and heck, the girl loves to dance. She should get her 2-3 hours of fun.

Btw, a woman tried to talk to me-- she complimented me on my blazer, but then I responded in the most idiotic manner: "Oh thanks, it's my mom's." I know, totally moronic, and if I were interested in someone and she responded with that? Loser! Ah well, it's no surprise that I'm a dork. Just laugh with me AT me. See, while everyone was partying it up, my phone went off with an alarm for my calendar event: saline nasal rinse. Yup, that's how fucking cool I am.

The next day, we had breakfast at an awesome little French cafe. I had a waffle Folle-- a waffle with fresh fruit + Nutella. I'm telling you, that chocolate hazelnut spread is like my version of crack. It goes on everything, and I crave that shit every damn day. Maybe that's why the pounds aren't shedding despite 90 minutes of hot yoga three times a week. Whatever.

So yeah, breakfast was delish. Then we walked in the sunshine (85 degrees!!), got pedicures, walked around some more. Finished the day off with three games of bowling. So much fun. Turns out, her hubster grew up bowling with his dad and grandfather-- played on the league and everything. I always love it when people reconnect with their childhood hobbies.

The final day (yes, I was only there two days), we hit Rancho Palos Verdes along the coast. Did a good bit of hiking in my ballet flats, of all things. But god, it was beautiful. Mind you, Pamela and I talked the entire time. Yup, we can talk forever.

After the hike, we went for the hard stuff: Blue Valentine. The movie was well done, but to my surprise, I hardly cried. And I found myself sympathizing with the husband. Argh! I sided with him, and so did Pamela. After I got home, I read a ton more reviews, and all the critics kept saying how you could see BOTH sides, and some even sympathized more with the wife. Wth? I always want to side with the woman, and yet this time... I didn't see it. Did I not pick up on the subtleties? Ugh. I will have to watch it again. Sometimes I'm so clueless.

Since my return home from Long Beach, things have been better. John is really trying to be pro-active. He's taking a stress reduction/meditation class, and he practices every day. He registered for a gardening class. He's been trying all kinds of new recipes (again, thwarting all my hot yoga work), and he's taking care of other house-related items-- repairs, yard work. It's a pleasant and welcome change.

I am back into my activities. Lots of shopping going on-- online and otherwise. The sales are pretty good right now as stores make room for spring items. The usual suspects: BR, Target, Loft.

Tomorrow I have my self-defense class. Mind you, it's just a one-timer for two hours, but I've always wanted to see what that's about. I think I'll learn something. Tuesday I'm taking a photography class-- again a onesie for two hours. I guess I'm very noncommittal, except with voice lessons. Those start up next month and run for 16 weeks. I got a lot riding on these lessons, that's for sure! :)

My yoga membership expires later this week, and I think I'm going to really try for my dancer's body dream. Yesterday, I must have watched 15 clips with Tracy Anderson. I want to believe. I feel like yoga bulked up my shoulders/arms again. Maybe I'm paranoid but I dunno: I see what I see. I'm fascinated by Tracy's lean and cut (yet tiny) body. Her boot camp in NYC is 3 hrs/day for 2 weeks. Sure, it's THREE hours/day, but 2 weeks is practically no time! Obviously, I'm not doing the boot camp, but I might try some of her exercises and then hope for the best. :) Guess that means I'm not really THAT dedicated. Just happy to change things up.

Version 3.0 is coming soon-- maybe in the next quarter of 2011. I know, I'm going to have to curb the Nutella habit. :(

Ladies Weekend Ahead

2011-01-15T00:07:00.000-08:00

I'm flying off to Long Beach tomorrow to visit with my Shanghai bestie Pamela, and holy shit, this is a much-needed vacation. Yes, you may recall that I had a "vacation" over the Christmas holiday; well, let me remind you: family time does NOT equal vacation. Enough said.

I'm stoked for my little trip. To be honest, things at home have kind of been a buzz kill... today was John's first day out of work (he gave notice at the beginning of the year), and he stayed home while the window contractors replaced our original, untempered single pane casements with new energy-efficient sliders.

I wanted him to talk to the contractors about repairing shoddy stucco work done by a previous contractor. Could he ask them about it? Nope. He'd rather just live with a shoddy stucco job than inquire the cost to fix. Whatever.

So sure, he was captive to the home all day, but you know what? Except for one afternoon at the windows showroom, he didn't have to do any of the vendor research, meetings, and scheduling. And just like that, voila! New windows in the bedrooms.

I went home for lunch today, ate the leftovers he reheated, and the sink was full of dirty dishes. I started cleaning up. There was a mostly used jar of minced garlic by the sink. I thought we could still get garlic out of it, but he considered the jar done, so fine. It sat by the sink for days. Today, I told him to recycle the jar, and then he started asking whether the jar really needed to be rinsed out. It takes 10 seconds to rinse the goddamn jar. Supposedly, he was just asking because it wastes water to rinse the jar, and if in the end, it doesn't matter for recycling purposes anyway, why bother? Are you fucking kidding me? If he wants to learn more about the glass recycling process, go right ahead. He has a Mac Pro, an iPad, and an iPhone to research to his heart's desire. But you know what? It's 10 seconds to rinse the jar and put it in the recycle bin. Save me the lazy-ass bullshit about saving water. I know he doesn't give a fuck about the environment.

This is what I have to deal with on a daily basis. Bullshit. So as much as I myself feel inspired to do more, every day I'm faced with bullshit like this. Stupid, simple little things that I have to debate every single time. It's exhausting, and like I said: all the work of living alone without the benefits. Now it's very late Friday night, and I'm still pissed. He went to bed hours ago.

Needless to say, it'll be refreshing to hang with my kindred spirit. We're going to shop, commiserate, watch Blue Valentine, get pedicures, go for walks by the Ocean... it'll be a whirlwind two days and then I'll be all rested and ready for more bullshit come Monday night.

Game Changers

2011-01-14T22:30:00.000-08:00

I have decided to compile a list of items/products that have significantly improved my life. You'll notice a common theme, but whatever, it IS fucking winter.

1. silk thermal base layers
2. heating blanket (oldie but goodie)
3. chullo hat (with ear flaps)
4. isotoner gloves (so warm without sacrificing dexterity)
5. leg warmers (just discovered these at the Japanese dollar store last week!)
6. alpaca scarf (so soft and warm, non-scratchy!)
7. Nutra Sonic facial brush (minimal breakout during Flo week)
8. new windows (just installed today). bedrooms are noticeably warmer

Ok, that's all that comes to mind right now. I'll add as more things come to mind.

The Way I Am

2011-01-12T01:21:00.000-08:00

Day 11 of the new year, and I am feeling energized and inspired like never before. Well ok, I guess I have felt like this before, but dayum, it's been a fucking long ass time. I attribute part of this new breath to my resolution to let things go: control the things I can (myself) and worry/stress/internalize less about things that simply aren't up to me. Yes, I'm sure I have made this vow before, but this time, I mean it-- if only for my own freaking salvation.

I suppose it helps that I have several trips planned in the coming months, and well, the hobbies are kicking up again. I've decided that hobbies don't get the credit they deserve: they're not just frivolous activities to pass the time; oh no, they are essential to self-nourishment and overall well-being. I'm allowing myself to partake in hobbies (lots of them), because really, there's no reason to delay: I have the time, I have the funds (especially since Groupon/Living Social make things so much more affordable), and I have the interest/curiosity. The time is now.

Overall, I'm also feeling more hopeful. Maybe it's media messaging through shows like What Not to Wear, I Used to be Fat, Biggest Loser... call me a sucker, but those shows only reinforce what I've believed all along: humans are extremely resilient-- they can survive all kinds of crazy mental, emotional, environmental, physical conditions. "Mind over body" really can bring about amazing, incredible positive change. Sure, some skeptics say these "reality" shows appear successful because all the conditions and resources are optimized so people can't help but succeed... and the point is??? Rather than dismissing and downplaying accomplishments that are nothing short of incredible (no matter how short-lived after returning to the "real" world), these shows only demonstrate and affirm what is possible. To me, that is the magical bit. Think about it: some of those participants weigh over 500 lbs!! And in a matter of months, they transform their bodies, their spirits, their souls, their lives. How does that not amaze and inspire?

A few days after Christmas, I met up with my old college roommate. I used to refer to Yova as my Carrie Bradshaw/Sex in the City friend. She was professionally successful, socially popular, extremely independent. Oftentimes, I envied her life. But like everyone, she had her own set of challenges. She had bad luck with men, and she struggled with her weight. Maybe that was a consequence of her unlucky relationships or her "professional success." Either way, it was a factor in that all-too-familiar vicious downward spiral. Long story short, when I saw her in December, she looked incredible. In the last year or so, she had started running, going to the gym, and holy smokes, she must have dropped 30-40 lbs!! And the impact on her esteem and overall mood was so palpable. The truth with all of this is: there are no tricks or gimmicks to changing your life. Life is a beotch, and everything requires hard work and effort. Seriously. Maybe some areas are easier for others, but everyone has something that needs improving or fixing... and sometimes the answer is simply: enough with the excuses. Shut up and go.

So now you're probably asking, what happened to all that bullshit about becoming more empathetic and understanding in the new year? Well honestly, I'm a bit torn now. Especially after reading this article in the WSJ, I kinda feel some validation, like my personal philosophy/attitude is similar to the whole Chinese vs. American parenting dichotomy. Yeah, growing up with what I considered strict Chinese immigrant parents, I was stressed out a lot from the pressure of high expectations, but at the same time, I definitely learned the value of discipline and hard work in achieving goals. The author talks about a kind of tough love approach, with very little emotional coddling. And tonight's episode of I Used to be Fat seemed to reinforce that method: The trainer was this ex-military dude, and he was fucking fierce! The girl must have cried in all her early workouts-- whining and complaining-- and the dude was just like, "I don't want to hear it. Run down and back. If you want to keep crying, you can stay fat." Sure, he was blunt and harsh and at times his choice of words were downright rude, but it was so refreshing to hear him-- to hear this kind of straight-up, no nonsense, no bullshit language. I mean, here he is, changing lives... That woman lost 90 lbs. in 90 days. The results speak for themselves. Like the parents whose decisions override the desires of the children, he pushed her through all the excuses and resistance and self doubt until ultimately, she herself saw the results of her efforts, the direct payoff.

Sure, people will criticize and say it's not an approach that works for everyone. But how do you know unless you push every person to that extreme? The woman even surprised herself! If life change were a drug, I think I could get hooked. Seriously.

And now that my original attitude has been validated by an outside source, we'll end with the newest song on my ktv list: Ingrid Michaelson's The Way I Am.

Good night.

Holiday Mayhem

2010-12-26T22:48:00.000-08:00

As the year draws to a close, I realize once again that my blogging has slacked. My last post was at the start of this month, and now December is practically over. How disappointing. My excuse?

In case you've been living under a rock (not following my Google Buzz), my pup Remy fell very ill two weeks before our holiday trip back East-- we're still trying to figure out the cause, but she had vomiting and diarrhea for several days. When we took her to the vet, her bloodwork showed liver stats through the roof. The night I brought her home from the vet's, I thought she was going to croak. Ugh. I was an absolute mess. Sure, she's 12, and I've been mentally preparing for her passing for a very long time. But still, maybe I will just never ever be ready.

I don't even know how she made it through the night with her full-body shakes, yellow eyes, and loopy look. I like to credit Linus, my heating blanket. Either way, by morning she looked so much better. It was freaking miraculous!

Then day after day, she got better and stronger, and although the following week things were still kind of touch and go, she willingly took the meds (thank goodness for cream cheese) and she kept her food down.

After she finished that first round of antibiotics, her bloodwork came back better, but stats were still high for the liver tests. The vet suggested a second round of meds while we were travelling, and then a third bloodtest. The dog sitter took good care of her, and today Remy is looking/behaving totally normal. I'll schedule her third test this week. Maybe it was all just a fluke (and not liver cancer/disease as the vet was suspecting). Fingers crossed.

In other news, I guess we survived the Christmas visit to Maryland. Ugh. I still struggle with this self-imposed stress we call the holidays. Fucking A. Just kill me already. Consumerism, materialism, excess, etiquette, panic... I mean, seriously, is there really time amidst the chaos to reflect on our many blessings? I think not. I am convinced the holidays are the WORST possible time to genuinely feel thankful. I wish we could simplify the holidays, because I'm frickin' exhausted, and surely I'm not the only one: the brainstorming, the shopping, the wrapping, the socializing, the traveling... every year is more absurd than the next. Please stop the cycle. I want out. NOW.

For my family, it's a little easier since we don't celebrate Christmas. But still, there's always a lot to do with the family of busy bodies.

But in the end, I suppose the most positive take-away from our latest trip is that everyone is healthy: grandparents, parents, siblings, rugrats. Everyone is well, so for that, I am very thankful (especially now that I have returned to the peace and quiet of the houseboat).

Tomorrow is back to work, and new year's resolutions are a-comin' right around the corner!

Retail Therapy

2010-12-01T23:30:00.000-08:00

When I get into a funk, I scramble to regain control. Typically, I look for ways to become reinspired or re-motivated. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but oftentimes, just watching shows like Biggest Loser and What Not to Wear does wonders getting me back in the saddle. The latter show, in particular, appears rather flippant and superficial, but as someone who used to hide away at home because of image issues, I totally understand their pain of not feeling attractive, not feeling pretty, of wanting to hide. And so no matter how often I have watched the show, nearly every episode brings me to tears just thinking about how real the outside-inside connection is. You see it with every episode: By making these physical/superficial changes to hair and clothing, the people transform their attitudes, their self-esteem, everything. Like I mentioned before, these actions give people an entirely new "lease on life."

So my problem lately has been the slow creep/return of my esteem issues. I don't feel engaged with people. I don't feel appreciated or valued. When I have my bad days, I don't even feel like I have someone to listen. Everyone else is engrossed in his/her own life. And so I focus on regaining control, and these days, my method involves retail therapy.

This is a relatively new thing for me actually. Though I had the makeover a couple years back, I've never considered myself a huge shopper simply because I'm too cheap. And TJMaxx and Marshalls can only go so far. But my latest companions are online vendors. I go through new arrivals regularly, order stuff, keep some shit, return other shit... but I'm starting to do this like everyday. Browsing around for stuff. Not always buying but definitely browsing. I'm trying to do my very own little WNTW so that I can transform my life from where it is now.

Today, I noticed the effects of retail therapy most distinctly. A new dress arrived in the mail, and I can truthfully admit that it gave me an extra spring in my step. I suppose in lieu of intimate, human connections, the fantasy of improving my life solo sounds pretty damn appealing. Yes, tomorrow I'll be wearing my new dress to celebrate a new day.

One Good Week Per Month

2010-11-29T22:34:00.000-08:00

I'd been saying for a long time that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. Mostly because of the food. And second because we usually don't travel: we just have some friends over, gorge ourselves to beached whale status, and chill out the entire weekend.

This year was no different, except that my gynecological cycle landed me right in the middle of Thanksgiving. Fucking A. Yes, I've been dealing with this bullshit since I was 15 1/2, so you'd think I'd have this crap down to a science. Nope. Even with the help of meds, which keep me as regulated as they come, each encounter is still the biggest possible pain in the ass. It isn't just the hormonal fluctuations and mood swings, it's the aches, the cramps, the headaches, the goddamn cysts on my face, the fucking bloody mess. I get so damn sick and tired of it every single time! Ugh!!! I mean, not to get graphic, but seriously, I have ruined so many pairs of underwear and I'm just exasperated. Yes, I use products, but I don't fucking know what is going on. My blood doesn't flow with gravity or something, and well, like I said: a serious mess.

And then there's the mood issue. The week before, I'm emotional as hell. The week during, I'm bloated and preoccupied with spills and stains and overall discomfort. The week after, I'm de-bloating. Essentially what all of that means is that I get one good week per month. Well, per quarter I suppose since technically, I'm flushing the system 4x/year. But even at 4x/year, this is intolerable. That's it. No more. How bad could the ramifications of serially taking the pills one pack after the other be? Does it really matter if I fuck up my reproductive system? For my intents and purposes, the entire system is like a second appendix. No fucking purpose whatsoever. Free me of these extraneous appendages already!

I know, it sounds like I'm overreacting, but I'm telling you, I have lost my patience. Several times this month, I have found myself on the verge of flipping out. And I mean like blowing up and throwing a fucking fit! Somehow I manage to keep it together, but inside, I am ready to go ballistic. And I've never really had this level of rage before. Well ok, maybe with my brother. But that storyline ended back in 2003. Yup, estranged since then. Can you believe it? People always ask me about him, and they always give me this weird look when I explain that we haven't been in touch in years. The look is so telling-- like I'm being immature or shortsighted. Little do they know, if I were still in touch with him, I'd have already suffered multiple heart attacks by now. Seriously. The level of rage he triggered...

I'm so much calmer now that he is out of my life, but like I was saying, something recently has just been pushing me to the edge. It's not the same magnitude as my what my brother used to trigger, but there's definitely a frustration level and a feeling of exasperation and intolerance. Sometimes I wonder if it's just listening to and dealing with all the negativity around me. Disgruntled coworkers, disgruntled Bubbey. I don't know.

But the last few days, I've been feeling uber cranky and depressed. I suppose I'm in the process of de-bloating so I haven't entered that "good" week yet. But still. I feel so grateful for my family and friends, and yet I feel sad, sometimes lonely, and dissatisfied. And I'm having serious insecurities. Earlier this month, I got that great haircut, but I can't seem to style it. The hair just has never looked as good as that day I emerged from the stylist's chair. Then, I'm frustrated with my wardrobe. Like I had that makeover maybe 2-3 years ago, and I'm still packing the same outfits on my travels. I've tried shopping to update things, but I just can't seem to find anything really great out there, so I feel stagnant. And then my skin is still not as good as it was with the magic of Accutane, and I just feel unattractive. And on top of all that, all these issues are superficial, so I'm pissed that I'm such a vain beotch. Then I try to focus on the intellectual side of things, but when I think about my professional/intellectual development, all I see are shortcomings and inadequacies: who would even guess that I had spent THREE weeks in Spain last year. I have forgotten ALL of it. I might as well have not even gone. And the gripes just go on... I told you I was feeling negative lately.

About the only good thing I've been doing is hot yoga. I do feel my body is stronger and more flexible. But whoopdeedo. Shitty face, shitty clothes, blah hair, mediocre job. I dunno. I'm just in a funk.

And John's in an even bigger funk. All his energy goes into work. Pretty much just getting to the office every day is a chore, so he has no energy to deal with anything at home, be it activities, travel plans, bills, whatever. It's not even that I am particularly needy-- I do lots of things on my own but sometimes it's nice to be acknowledged for all my efforts. I try to be a good person. I try to be a responsive and helpful friend. I try to keep in touch with people. I try to pay attention. But sometimes I feel like I just give, give, give. And no one is really caring to give back.

Like earlier this month, I emailed three long lost friends. I told them I was thinking about them. One actually called me two days later, so that was good. But two took about 2-3 weeks to reply to my email. Both have smartphones. Seriously, what's the excuse?

And then no one ever comes to visit. I mean, we've been in California now since 2006, and aside from my parents, maybe only 1 person has visited just to see us, not because they just so happened to be in the area for work, conference, job interview, etc. I don't know, but if I don't get "something" from my profession or from my relationships with people or from myself, what is supposed to sustain me?

Ugh. Time for a shower and then I'm going to bed. Tomorrow's a new day.

Relaxing Weekend Getaway

2010-11-14T15:45:00.000-08:00

Last weekend's outing to Truckee was a test. This weekend, we tried again for a relaxing escape. This time, Joe and Jess invited us down to her parents' ranch house near Monterey. A 90-minute trip out of town is so much more doable than a 5-6 hr. drive. We arrived in a flash.

The next morning, we headed out early for some whale-watching (hurray for Groupon!). The weather was sunny and gorgeous, but of course, that didn't stop me from wearing SEVEN layers. Hey, the boat people warned us to dress warmly, so I pulled out all the stops. Knowing my propensity for motion-sickness, I prepped early with a dose of Dramamine. That shit did NOT help. An hour in, I started feeling ill. I managed to hold it together long enough to see some whale activity. Then, I got tired of standing. As soon as I sat on the dock, the pressure of my jeans pressed up against my belly, and then, I knew I was in trouble. Yup, it all came up. Twice. And some of it got on the side of the boat. Uh god, it was awful. I went inside and conked out the whole ride back. Of the four of us, John was the only one without a bit of nausea. He thinks it's because he's the only one who avoided Nutella for breakfast. Likely story. Anyway, we got back to town this morning, and well, like they say, "There's no place like home."

Next weekend, we're going horseback riding, and I am super stoked. Been subjecting myself to hot yoga for weeks now, trying to build up those leg muscles. Gotta be fit enough for a 4-hr. long ride. :)

New Cut, New Life... Not!

2010-11-11T23:26:00.000-08:00

So the guys' feedback on my haircut??

"Yeah, your hair looks nice, but what's different?" Uh, only a gabillion layers plus bangs. Hello??

"Your hair looks straight and permed." Um, straight and permed are opposites, sweetheart. nice try. :)

"I thought this was supposed to be drastic? What was done?" Hey, i gave the stylist free reign... not my problem she decided to keep the length. I was banking on getting a whole new life out of this too, you know!

Oh well, at least I like the cut. We'll see if I can style it tomorrow.

Weekend Getaway

2010-11-07T22:35:00.000-08:00

So my superstar realtor has a timeshare in Truckee, near North Lake Tahoe. She offered it to John and me for us to de-stress and enjoy a weekend getaway in the woods. Aside from Saturday, when we soaked in the hot tub and walked around the beautiful lake, this trip was anything BUT relaxing.

Friday: We were supposed to leave mid-day. I had taken off work, so we could get a jump start on the traffic. Instead, John got stuck on a conference call, and we left right as the Friday commute got going. The drive up took about five hours.

Saturday: We stuffed ourselves silly for breakfast at Squeeze In. I consumed a monster plate of French toast. We walked around the Lake, took some pictures. Hit the hot tub facilities. At night, we drove into Reno and watched Secretariat. Great movie. Can't ever go wrong with Diane Lane, my cougar crush.

Sunday: It started pouring down rain late Saturday night, and the rain just kept falling all morning on Sunday. We tried to wash our sheets, but the washer was so damn small, the detergent never dissolved. Finally, we got the front desk to drop off fresh sheets. Basically, we spent all morning cleaning up for my realtor, who was coming in with her family later that day. We finally got on the road at 11, but someone didn't want to get gas, so then we sat in chain control for 2 hours, totally stressed that we were going to run out of gas. Paid $30 to have a dude put our chains on the tires, drove a few miles in rain, slush, and some snow, then had issues getting the damn chains off on the other side of the pass, and then we didn't get home until 4 p.m. When we got home, the dogs were traumatized, because the sitter had left them out most of the morning in the pouring rain. Wtf?

Oh well, I suppose the getaway was just a test of sorts. We got some pretty pictures out of it. And I got to use my new sunglasses. Every time I put them on, John makes a buzzing noise. Fucker.

MTV Real World

2010-10-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

Back in the day, I was OBSESSED with MTV Real World. Yup, in my younger years, when I was all Republican and elitist and shit, I had the hots for Aaron from MTV Real World L.A. He was my man: brainy, clean cut, athletic, conservative... Mr. Perfect. Honestly, I didn't watch the show just because of Aaron. I've just always had a fascination with people living together, getting along (or not), and forming friendships/relationships.

So fast forward 20+ years, and John and I have taken on a new housemate: yup, we're doing our very own version (albeit a tame and boring one) of Real World. Basically, my friend Jen moved out of her boyfriend's house. They had gone through two very tumultuous years together, and things finally escalated to a point where she simply could not stay there. So now she and her pup are staying with us until she can find a new place to live.

Yeah, John can't hang around the house in his underwear anymore, but frankly, the arrangement is working out fine: Jen's a very clean and helpful housemate, and while Bubs is busy with work deadlines, I am living it up with a new activity buddy. Hee, hee. Last weekend, we went biking, did some hot yoga, went shopping. And this weekend, I hope to squeeze in some karaoke. On the practical side, it sure is nice to have someone going home at lunch to let the dogs out. I think I could get used to this. Then again, I have had a lot of practice living with people (grandparents, roommates, my brother, John...), so my tolerance is pretty high. :)

Energized

2010-10-11T00:58:00.000-07:00

John and I are finally reaching equilibrium. Hurray for normalcy! Activities are once again populating my Google calendar, I'm sleeping better, and after a couple of really gorgeous, sunny days, I'm feeling like life is good again. Of course, it probably helped that my buddy Pamela came up for a quickie weekend visit. The last time I'd seen her was way back in 2008, so it was nice to catch up and hang out. She was only in town for two days, but man, we maximized our time together. I took her hiking at Villa Montalvo, we shopped (unfortunately, I came up empty-handed... again!), got pedicures, caught a movie, wined, dined, and then last night, we partied like it was going out of style. Seriously. We did karaoke with John and Dave for 3.5 hours!!! So much fun. Unfortunately, my weeks of home training with Peter Cetera's Glory of Love proved useless; thankfully though, I did all right with Lionel Richie's Hello. And my rendition of LL Cool J and Boyz II Men's "Hey Lover" was pretty hilarious, especially the line about "toning ya down with uh, vanilla ice cream." Yeah, pretty raunchy, especially for a little puritan like me. Honestly, I think karaoke is gonna replace my Game Nights. Add it to the list, right?

I know, I have some big ticket items on the list right now: home karaoke system and used hot tub. Gonna have to start plotting what to sell next to earn some extra spending dough. :) John thinks I should refurbish yard sale/old/used/free furniture and then re-sell. Sounds like too much damn work. I've never been much of an artsy DIYer. Plus, I'd much rather rent out my spare room through AirBnb, which also happens to be a service I'm dying to try. But John's not keen on having strangers in the house. Bummer.

Anyway, we belted songs out for hours, and afterwards, I was totally hyper, so then the partying continued at home with board games and trashy tv. You see, John's recently developed an affinity for nasty shit on tv. I'll find him watching Jersey Shore and International Girls and anti-feminist crap like that. Ever since he had a guys' night out (with MY guy friends!), I tell you... Long story short, we were all up past 2:30 in the morning!!! And then I had to take Pamela to the airport at 8 a.m. Yeah, I'm kinda bragging about it. You would too if you were never up that late for something fun. :) Usually, I'm up in the middle of the night from neuroses or insomnia or web surfing bullshit, so this was kinda a milestone of sorts.

And then today turned out to be a pretty chill day. After the airport, I farted around, then went back to sleep from 10-2 p.m. Yeah, my schedule got all screwed up, but when I woke up this afternoon, I felt really refreshed. We hit the grocery store, John made an awesome steak dinner, I cleaned the house, bathed the dogs, and then at 10p, I sat down to catch up on some work. Yup, I work for the government, but we're not all slackers you know... Tomorrow I'm off for my flex schedule. I had actually contemplated going into work just because what else was I gonna do... but after karaoke, I decided I would clock in some practice hours when the KTV place is dead and charges only $1/person/hr. Haha, my latest addiction grows. I think I'd like to do a rap song of sorts, maybe TLC or something.

Like John says, I'm aging backwards. Not only that, I'm at least a decade behind on all fads. Karaoke was huge like 10-15 years ago. Did I ever try it then? Nope. Even when John and I were living NEXT DOOR to a KTV joint in Shanghai, we NEVER tried it. I dunno what our problem was-- too self-conscious maybe, too uptight. But now? I'm into it like we're in the heyday of KTV. Oh well, at least there are places to go for it still.

Btw, the other day, an idea finally came to me for my tattoo: Chinese papercuts, like the cute animal/zodiac ones I purchased when I was in Shanghai. I especially love the water ox and the piggie. Anyway, note to self for that tattoo I'll maybe get before I turn 40.

My Father the Handyman

2010-10-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

My parents were in town this past week... they just flew out this morning. Overall, they really are pretty low-key parents: they don't have a lot of demands and they're pretty flexible, but I still always get a little stressed trying to plan their visits. They say they're fine just sitting at home, but both of them are such busy bees at heart. My dad especially. He cannot sit still, and I, of all people, can relate. So weeks in advance, I planned out an entire list of things to do. Turns out though, they're so damn productive in the mornings that by afternoon, they're sort of homebodies.

One of the biggest surprises? Dad is so damn handy around the house-- I really had no idea. Of course, he took every opportunity to remind my mother and me that he has done all these things before, either with his past homes or with his current rental properties. "I'm a carpenter and a plumber and a gardener and a..." Yup, basically, he's a superstar. Ah well, it was kinda entertaining how he bragged about it. And clearly, he was happy to be useful. The items he accomplished? He touch painted a bunch of places, fixed the leaking toilet, hung all my paintings, built additional shelving in the washer/dryer area, scrubbed the patio/sidewalks, cleared all the yard debris, mowed the lawn, pruned the trees, weatherized the front door, and caulked the guest tub. Seriously, I came home for lunch one day and the yard was so damn clean, it was practically unrecognizable. It was frickin' awesome having my own little home clean-up team, I'm telling you. I could ALMOST get used to living with them. Haha.

And John was very relieved, because all those tasks had been on his list for MONTHS... now I'll just have to draft a list of new items to keep him busy. Step it up, honey.

In terms of "fun" activities with the parents: we hit a lot of gardens in the area. Hakone Estate and Gardens is quite nice in Saratoga. Sunset Magazine's garden and Gamble Gardens in Menlo Park/Palo Alto were simpler and less impressive, but still a great reason to get out and enjoy the sunshine. Best stop of all? Montalvo Arts Center in Saratoga-- so beautiful. I could not help envisioning an awesome wedding there. I know, it's so unlike me. Ah well, regardless, I can't wait to go back and hike to the vista point.

Of course, we also did our fair share of Chinese grocery shopping. Seriously, we must have hit 5 different Asian markets multiple times in one week. Had to get the supply of ingredients and fresh seafood SOMEwhere, right? Unfortunately, bowling, the movies, and karaoke didn't make the list. By the time I thought we could hit those places, my parents just wanted to go home and chill. Oh well. My buddy Pamela is coming to town this weekend, so in addition to clocking in some massive shopping, I think we'll also hit karaoke. :) I gotta demonstrate my newly acquired skillz with "Glory of Love."

Overall, I'm pretty happy with how the parental visit went down. I still think my parents spend WAY too much time together, but at least now I can actually get along with them. No more drama from my 20s. And they didn't even mention the baby thing. Thank goodness. I guess they finally read the memo. Plus, there was so much learning exchange going on... dad was showing me how to fix the leaking toilet, how to recaulk the tub, and... he even showed me how to tie a badass necktie, which I think I'm going to throw into my wardrobe at some point!! He also recently acquired an iPhone4, so John and I got him all up to speed on some key apps and such. Pretty cool to see him still moving the brain. We had a good time.

Now John and I are recovering. My Craigslist futon isn't nearly as comfy as our bed, so tonight, it's back to the full-on luxury. But before that, we're hitting the movies. I'm very excited to see "The Social Network." Yeah sure, I'm kinda over Facebook but who can pass on a movie about friendship and betrayal. Plus, it scored like 97% on Rotten Tomatoes!

Coming Along Nicely

2010-09-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

Well hello there! Whassup, whassup? I'm off today, and let me tell you, I'm gonna just take it the fuck easy. Last night, I had my heating blanket cranked up and damn, I slept so soundly and woke up totally relaxed.

Of course that doesn't stop me from setting an agenda for the day... What's on tap? Putzing around: I did some cleaning, took the dogs to the park, posted some crap on Craigslist, started my beautification program... You see, my friends Jess and Joe are getting married this Saturday, so this week the beautification program begins. Yup, at the wedding I'll be in the company of lots of SF city slickers, so I gotta bring my A game. Nah, actually I got a nice dress for the occasion and well, beautification is required because it's showing a bit of skin. So yup: pedicure, exfoliation, mud mask, eyebrows, hair conditioning... the works.

Of course, just my luck, I fucked up on my BCPs and I'm also fresh out of supply, so knowing me, I'll be a hormonal, pimply, bleeding fucking mess for the wedding. Yay. Need to get that damn hysterectomy already. Seriously. Done with that bullshit.

In other news, the house is really coming along and daresay, I'm happy about it! The Ikea kitchen is super fab, although John admits he misses having spices in upper cabinets (only base cabinets around the stove). I am still loving my Craiglist Chinese cabinet: it's awesome, especially for hiding all our junk.

In preparation for my parents' arrival, I recently acquired a kickass futon off Craigslist (now John and I won't have to sleep on the floor while the 'rents take our bedroom). The futon comes with an interesting story actually. I went to check out this monster piece (turns out I only buy furniture that's a minimum of 7' long...), and as I plugged in the address, I realized the guy lived in a trailer park. I know, it's totally elitist, but I immediately started thinking Sandra Cantu. As I drove around searching for his unit, my mind went nuts thinking up escape scenarios and shit. It was awful. And then I got so pissed at myself for thinking these awful things just because I was in a trailer park (although frankly, I guess I think of escape scenarios for lots of my Craigslist meetups). Anyway, I'm sure the couple thought I was a freak, because I hesitated going in to the guest bedroom to see it and I didn't even sit on it to try it out. I'm telling you, I was nervous as hell. Thankfully, the transaction went smoothly, and it is a damn nice futon-- not the usual college kid kind that's low to the ground. Yeah, with all this Craigslisting, I think I need to get myself a truck. :)

New Beginnings

2010-08-09T00:34:00.000-07:00

Nope, house construction still ain't done. Sure, a new beginning with house stuff would be the best news ever, but nope, it's just not happening. Whatever. Instead, this new beginning is all about the gas leak that was detected at our house nine days ago. You see, ever since John and I moved here in mid-June, we'd been crazy tired. Like abnormally tired. I had blogged about this many times, but we chalked it up with house madness and shingles (brought on by house madness). Well, last last week I went back to the doctor. Like come on, I'm 34 NOT 84... I should have more energy than this. Got bloodwork done-- all came back normal. Then, because we had been noticing occasional whiffs of gas, I finally got PGE out to inspect, and holy shit, the guy detected/repaired a small leak in our gas furnace. It was one of those things... like, I thought I had smelled something but everything was powered off, and you know my fucking nose-- who can trust a nose that screws up my sense of taste so badly that I can't even tell that I'm drinking sour milk?? Long story short, the guy came out, fixed the leak, and now I have returned to near normalcy. John and I both, actually. It had been SO damn long since I have been this functional that I had nearly forgotten what "normalcy" was even like. I've gained a whole new lease on life, I'm telling you.

And another cool thing-- both John and I stepped on the scale recently and noticed that we dropped a few extra pounds. We'd been complaining about the few extra stubborn pounds, and then suddenly, after a few weeks of not weighing in, bam, the pounds came off! Of course, this loss is very possibly attributed to almost 2 months of sleep deprivation, gas exposure, and chronic fatigue. Or maybe it's my granola bar lunch diet? I don't know, but thank goodness. Something positive from the last several weeks.

Lots of other things going on... house construction is coming close to the end. Hopefully mid-August completion. Fingers crossed. I tested out the master shower today. Very nice. Now we're just waiting on the glass sliding doors, which I purchased online. I love online shopping. God, it's so much better than going to the store and dealing with bullshit incompetence. Sure, colors/sizes are kind of a guessing game, but with return policies, who the fuck cares. After some practice, I'm sizing shit up pretty well. I hardly ever have to return stuff anymore.

I'm still dying for a vacation, but I think that's going to be a while. John's work is on some weird deliverable schedule, and I'm sure once all the house construction is done, I'll want to just fart around at home anyway. That said, the calendar is starting to get exciting again. A couple of plays, a wedding, AND I just purchased a 4-hr horseback riding dealio around Mt. Diablo State Park. I sent out to several friends to join, but only my buddy Dave came through. That dude is always up for anything. I swear, if I ever get that arm sleeve tattoo, I bet he'll be a shoe-in to join.

Ok, running out of juice. It's been a long weekend. John and I went hot tub researching/shopping on Saturday, then tonight my friends taught me out to play Texas Hold-em. Can you believe, I won the last game where everyone put all their chips into the pot?? Sure, it was fake money, but damn, it was fun to win. :) I should have captured that shit on camera. That frickin' game is so complicated. Who can remember the hierarchy of hands?? I need to go back to Majiang. Surely it's simpler than poker.

Unsettled

2010-07-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

OMG, I have been so fricking tired lately. Neither John nor I am resting well at the new house, and this has been going on for over a month! Something has got to give, because I am arriving at work all ill-rested and cranky and just bitchy as hell. Yup, bad attitude to the max. And of course, I am breaking out like crazy, and that only makes me want to hole myself up at home like my old troubled days. Hell yeah, I'm about to turn into a fucking unabomber, I tell you.

Laura is proceeding. We got that second contractor in to get going on the master bath, so you know, more goddamn decisions. Seriously, people in the States have WAY too many choices on EVERYTHING. I just want a simple shower fixture. Fucking five catalogs later, we had to actually talk to a shopkeeper in person so we could get this shit figured out. You need a rough, a trim, and then you can go for a shower panel, a showerbar trio, a showerhead, a handshower... WTF??? I spend FIVE minutes every day in the damn shower. No, I don't want body spray nozzles and aromatherapy and chromatherapy and steam jets or whatever. Jesus fucking Christ. In the end, we got the simplest possible setup, and it still set us back $450. That's what you get with the Bubs. It might be basic, but it had better be top of the line. We went with Grohe. But the good news is that it's selected and done. Parts arrive tomorrow, contractor already demoed the bathroom, pulled out the 300-lb tub, removed all the dryrot around the windows (water damage for years and years), rebuilt the framing, put in a new, smaller window, and come Monday, the shower fixture goes in. Exhale. Seriously. I'm not even doing the construction and this is so much fucking work!! It REALLY makes me wonder how other people are doing this. I mean, I am on it 24/7 and then I have John on it-- we're not wizards but it's taken a lot of brain power. All of it. From measuring out the kitchen for new cabinets, new arrangements, specing out the cab units, measuring where to put the damn handles, deciding bath tile, calculating how many tiles, how arranged (seriously, the tile store guy did NOT help us-- what ordinary person does measurements and math anymore these days??)... Exhale. Not that anyone REALLY cares, but I'm putting together a doc on what materials we purchased, where, etc. It would have been nice to have a cheatsheet of sorts. Sure would have saved us a lot of time and energy. Like dishwashers-- holy crap. Consumer Reports is bogus. We don't trust them. All the units they recommended got shit reviews on Amazon. Anyway, if you're doing house crap and are looking for materials, I'm happy to send you the list. Btw, shopping online is incredible. Saves you SO much money. Customer service at the big box stores just ain't what it used to be anyway. I'd rather save myself the money, gas, and frustration of dealing with incompetent store people. Total hassle.

In other news, big projects are wrapping up at work. I've grown quickly disgruntled there. Probably a combo of my own direct experiences and hearsay from those I trust. Shitty leaders suck, that's all I gotta say. I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. Already in need of a massive break. Btw, following the news lately? Seems like a rash of violent crimes lately. What the fuck is going on? The world is fucked. I'm convinced of it.

On that happy note, ta ta. Time for a hot shower and then going to bed early.

The Latest Laura Lowdown

2010-07-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, two weeks have passed already since my last post. I know I say this a lot, but seriously, where does all the fucking time go?

I've been busy... For the record, I DID in fact get a shingles recurrence. Yay. A few days after my exasperated post, my friend came down for dinner and I showed her my rash (not over dinner, of course!). Dr. G confirmed that herpes zoster had indeed made a comeback; fortunately, she acted fast, and I started anti-virals the very next day: a week-long routine of popping 800 mg horsepills five times a day. And all fricking week, I felt so damn tired. The drug specs didn't say anything about the meds inducing lethargy but boy, I really slept that entire holiday weekend away.

The good news is I'm mostly better now. Still feeling tired, but that's probably more due to my insomnia than anything else. As for Laura, the kitchen is really coming along. The contractor (yes, the one whom I had fired and then rehired) has come out six more times, and now all the flooring is done, the cabinets are in place, the dishwasher is installed, the plywood countertop bases are in, and we'll get our quartz kitchen countertops by the end of this week (fingers crossed!). It's amazing how everything has suddenly picked up. I've learned now that the real secret is to have all your goods on site-- that's what motivates the contractor to get working. If you're waiting on any parts, that only gives him a reason to wait and stall...

In related news, we hired an interior designer to give us an idea for the living room. Yeah, designers are pricey, but it's kinda like the style makeover thing. We wanted to see what all this expert service was all about. Plus, we were certainly out of ideas. We had sold the monster sectional couch from our last place, so we were ready for a clean slate. Interestingly, a week later, his solution was in our hands. We got a design board with floor/furniture layout, paint/furniture/curtain/lighting product selections, fabric selections, and a binder with info on where to source all the goods. I must say, at first, I didn't find his solution all that appealing (probably because I was expecting something else... sound familiar?), but after sleeping on it a few days and discussing with my other designer-type friends, his combo has actually grown on me. And I admit, I tried to take his idea and move forward sourcing cheaper alternatives, but the items he selected were so ridiculously unique, I had very little luck. The distinctiveness of his pieces might also explain the $14k furnishings price tag. Yup, that's just the living room, folks. I kinda had more of a $3k budget in mind...

That said, we'll just have to go in steps. This weekend, John and I ordered our sofa. I'd been eying the Crate and Barrel petrie for months now, and although it wasn't the couch the designer suggested, he did give the ok after I told him I wasn't thrilled with his "transitional" rather than "midcentury" pick. Of course, that damn C&B sofa will take 8-10 weeks, so until then... don't come over! :) I know, who waits that long for ANYthing in this day and age, right??!

In non-Laura news, things are the usual. We're kinda bummed that summer is nearly over, and we've been completely consumed with house stuff, but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel-- I am "asking the universe" (not really) for a functional kitchen by next week. Then, it's back to our former life. On Tuesday, I'm going to a dress rehearsal for a production at the theater. Seriously, I cannot remember the last time I saw a play. God, I miss it. Then Wednesday, we're going to some author's reading/talk about clicking with people. You know I'm obsessed about relationships, so I hope this will be super interesting. Next weekend, some friends from Shanghai are to be in town and I hope we can just eat, drink, and be merry suburbanite-style. At some point, I hope also to pick up a book or browse through magazines... In the fall, I'm looking to return to self-improvement. Anyone want to do Landmark Forum with me? I've met some pretty amazing people who have done this... I'm thinking it's the next step towards acquiring the super powers I have always wanted. :)

Parenting Meltdown

2010-06-25T15:47:00.000-07:00

So I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday... the contractor woes and delays just weren't getting better, and I was finding myself completely preoccupied with house stuff while at work. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't get shit done... I just couldn't get firm answers from Jerry. Then the delays pissed my realtor off even more, and she practically started building a case to blacklist him everywhere. Finally, I decided I could not keep doing this-- babysitting the contractor and his crew-- seeing when they would arrive, when they would be at the home next. I can multi-task, but I do NOT like to nag and harp. I want people to have pride in their work and to feel their own sense of accountability. Sure, I understand the construction biz is a challenging one. You either don't have any gigs, or you have too many commitments and I get that when you open up walls, sometimes you never know what's behind them so slippage is common. But what I couldn't handle was the flakiness and lack of communication. Last Friday, I had left maybe 4 messages on his cell and I never heard back until the following Tuesday. So while I liked the guy and felt his work quality was good and he was honest in explaining the construction tasks, he was extremely lacking in communicating scheduling expectations and delays.

Yesterday, after being on the phone for hours debating these issues and why they were unacceptable, I finally just told him, finish to XYZ tonight, and then let's just call it done. I simply could not continue at this level of involvement and frustration.

When I got home, the floors looked fantastic. I talked with Jerry, and as "penance", he offered himself and the crew for the entire day on Tuesday where they would install the base cabinets, finish the drywall, and lay the kitchen flooring. All of it done on Tuesday for $400. I told him I'd think about it, and let him know.

Then I set up appointments for today (Friday) with another contractor (getting Plan B in line) and an interior designer. I needed progress fast.

By evening, as I was researching new jobs to deal with my newfound disgruntlement at work. I couldn't find shit. And then I felt trapped. And then John called, and I broke down in tears. It was just too much. All of it. The house projects, the emotional strain of befriending then firing my contractor, the starting over trying to recruit new contractors, the job situation (today is Take Your Dog to Work Day)... I just couldn't take it anymore.

By late evening, I started itching around my waist. The bumps were coming back... three years ago, I got the shingles and the same itchiness and discomfort was returning. I had a complete meltdown.

So here we are today: Friday afternoon. I didn't go to work. I was too unstable. This morning, I met with a new contractor and the interior designer. I have a new plan now. Carpets will install Monday. Kitchen will be mostly done by Tuesday. Then, I'm working with the designer who will propose a solution in one week. I'm taking a 2-week break afterwards from construction. Then, we'll start on the master bath.

I often think about my resiliency and tolerance. Why did I have this meltdown? Why was my body reacting with a possible second bout of shingles? I have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed, but shouldn't I be able to handle this and MORE? I'm disappointed. Part of my breakdown had to do with disappointment and self doubt. How was I not able to manage this contractor? How did this level of slippage occur? What more should I have done? And yet, this is just what happened. I tried to reel him in. I tried to communicate my expectations. I tried to get things in writing... I just don't know what happened.

And now my body has shut down. So today I'm trying to take it easy. But still kind of trying to formulate a plan for moving forward-- I know, people say I need to pace myself. Yet I see other people doing more. What's their secret? How do I get there? I know, I'm a ball of contradictions: rest but don't rest, do more. I can't help it. I really want superpowers. Is that so much to ask?

Say Goodbye to an Old Friend

2010-06-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

Well, we did it! Somehow, even with a sick Bubbey, we managed to pack up all our shit, move with the help of 3 guys + truck, transfer all the refrigerated goods, load another 3 car-fulls of shit, and clear on our of Armada. Boy, what an ordeal.

Today, we both headed to Armada after work to pile up the last junk-- fragiles, paintings, odds and ends. We had planned to hit the pool and hot tub on our final visit, but John forgot he already turned in the pool key and I had packed up my swimsuit. But luck was with us: John found my swimsuit-- turns out he only found the top half (he thought it was a one-piece). Sure, the bottoms were missing but whatev. I threw on some soccer shorts and it was good enough. Also, we managed to tailgate another neighbor in. Haha, got my final soak. Oh how I will miss the water. :*(

I took some pictures, because I couldn't believe how great we left the place-- after 3.5 years. And it's amazing how spacious a place can feel without all our crap. See for yourself.

But on to bigger and better. Before driving home, we had dinner at our favorite hole-in-the-wall Vietnamese bun place. The new adventures of Goodbers begin again!

I'm a New Parent!

2010-06-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

Never say never, right? John and I said we didn't believe in the institution of marriage; six and a half years in, we tied the knot. We said we weren't ready to buy a home; two days later, we were under contract. We said we disliked children... now, in our mid-30's, we're essentially new parents. And the child's name is Laura (you'll see when you come visit). And what a huge fucking time sink she is!! Every fucking day, there's something that has to be handled with Laura. During the day, I'm making calls, going to her "games", and meeting with her "teachers". At night, I'm researching what options are best for her, getting her the supplies she needs to have a productive, happy life.

At this point, I'm telling my boss, "Yeah, Laura's got a game tonight. I'm heading over. Tomorrow there's a PTA conference. The day after, it's piano lessons." Ok, if you haven't figured it out by now, Laura is our new house. But I'm thinking this must be what parenting is like... only worse. At least Laura is deaf/mute.

So what's on tap for this weekend? Early moving, confirming bathroom materials, putting on a lockbox for the contractors. We still haven't decided on the damn kitchen cabinets: we're down to one final competing product; otherwise, Ikea, here we come! My contractor is a great guy, very thorough but goddamn, he doesn't return calls or reply to emails. I'm trying to decide whether that's a deal breaker.

In other news, the Reston home is finally under new management. God people, whatever you do, avoid McGrath at all costs. My contract with them terminated May 31, and guess what? My tenant received an email June 1 asking to schedule an inspection in late June. That's what I'm talking about: they are perpetually disorganized. The head doesn't talk to any of the limbs/organs. A complete fucking mess. I hope the new property management company is more competent, because seriously, at that point, I might as well have just managed the property myself from Cali and that STILL would have been 10 times better. Ugh. Anyway...

Today the landlord of our current place is coming over for an inspection. Not really sure how she's going to inspect given that most everything is in boxes all over the frickin' place, but whatever. Then, we're taking the pups to their new pad. Can't wait to see them frolic in the yard. They're going to love all the sunshine too.

Ok, well time to start the day.

Speaking of Height...

2010-05-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

Saw this in my twitter feed this morning: Sorry, Man, You’re Too Short (Am I A Bad Feminist?)

Family Friction

2010-05-26T00:41:00.000-07:00

I have such a complicated relationship with my family. Maybe this is how it is for everyone (yes? no?), but honestly speaking, every time I'm about to visit my peeps, I feel a tremendous sense of dread. And then I feel guilty about my lack of enthusiasm, because I know they really are good people with good intentions. It's just that there's so much pressure, and I can't say whether it's a cultural thing or just something specific to my family but it's this idea that one person's happiness or sense of fulfillment relies solely on other people.

So on Monday, John and I arrived at my grandfather's house. My parents weren't due to arrive in Taiwan until evening. I sat down and probably had the longest "conversation" of my life with my grandfather. I put conversation in quotes, because in actuality, he only speaks Taiwanese, and I only speak Mandarin and English. We really can't communicate in any true sense... well, I suppose I can understand certain words in Taiwanese, but really, I'm only grasping the highlights. Regardless, he immediately jumped into what's been troubling him. He's 89 years old. My father is his first child and oldest son. Johnny is my father's first child and oldest son. Grandfather said my brother still hasn't married. The family introduces lots of "qualified" women, but he rejects all of them. My grandfather said I need to talk to Johnny to urge him to settle down. My grandfather fears that he will die before seeing a great-grandson from my brother. His only hope now is me and John. So right off the bat, I'm stressed. Welcome home to Taiwan, right?

The thing is, I despise this old school mentality... this notion of continuing the line, of having children for other people. Everything about it rubs me the wrong way. And yet, there he sits before me, all old and fragile-- my grandfather who has endured such hardship and made so many sacrifices. I respect his candidness. I understand that he is asking me for something that I have the capacity to give. But I will not. He's not a bad person for wanting these things. But I'm so adamant about my choices and my life. I wish I could give him what he wants, but I have made my choice and no matter how much he asks, I will not yield. So there we sit. All I can do is listen and hold firm. We are at an impasse, and that's just where we will have to stay.

I'm an obstinate, opinionated person but god, this was an uncomfortable setting. And the discomfort has only grown worse as my other family members continue to ask whether I will bear children and whether I have reconnected with Johnny. It's so fucking irksome that they even ask about either. Regarding Johnny, they know that we have been estranged since 2003; yet, they refuse to accept the status quo. Sure, maybe I am being immature but I learned long ago that in order preserve my own sanity, I simply could not continue communicating with him. And so, another life decision that goes misunderstood and judged. Sure, it wouldn't kill me to try to make amends, but why. I have determined that the relationship adds nothing to my life. I can live without. If he feels otherwise, the ball is in his court. I don't feel motivated to try again.

And my family here is huge: my grandfather, an uncle, 3 aunts, 9 cousins, 6 nieces/nephews. Save for the little ones, every person I see asks these same two questions: when are you having kids, and did you see your brother? I'm trying to let these jabs roll off my back without feeling a need to defend my position or decision. I'm getting better, but the situation is extremely annoying.

Add to that, not just simple questioning but prodding and poking by my aunts. Oh your brother is so excited to see you. Oh, he was preparing to take you around Taipei but you never called. Oh, your parents just want one thing in this world to make them happy, and you refuse to give them a grandchild. I know, I should just let these things enter one ear and exit the other, but I take responsibility and accountability very seriously. And even if I don't coddle/pamper my parents the way a "good Chinese daughter" is supposed to, I do feel it's important to be good to them.

My aunts always ask why I am so detached from my parents. How come when I see them, I don't baby them: I don't offer them something to drink, a massage, or a tasty bite? It's like my every move is watched and judged. They say things like, you should treat your parents with the same sweetness you treat your husband. I mean, that's the thing: my relationships with John and my friends are totally different from those with my parents and brother. Not only that, I don't believe in coddling-- whether it's my parents coddling Johnny, my cousin coddling her kid, or whatever. I mean, I hardly even coddle Remy and Martin and they're the easiest relationship EVER!

Then my aunt was getting all huffy with me yesterday, because turns out her daughter has been dating this guy she met in college for 5 years. Her mom just discovered last year, and she is like on a warpath to break up the relationship. Why? Because 1) he's short (and the genetic implications of this for progeny disturbs her) and 2) his family has no money. Meanwhile, he treats my cousin very well, and obviously, five years later, something is there. Not good enough. So just to clarify: she'd rather sacrifice the happiness of her own daughter for the future good life of her unborn grandchild. See what I have to deal with? This is the kind of old school, provincial mentality that just drives me nuts. And even if it's so incredibly off the wall, exposure to it, even for a few days, wears on me. My aunt got super upset when I tried to argue that it's her daughter's choice and rejecting someone because he's short (my height: 5'5" or 160 cm) is ludicrous. She's even going to have my dad talk to my cousin to put some "sense" into her. Unbelievable. And that's the way they roll over here. My only hope is that the situation boils down to the talk with uncle vs. 5 established years of dating. It shouldn't even come close. Don't disappoint me, cousin.

Oh the Things We Say

2010-05-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

I was just cleaning out my email and guess what I found from last week? This email excerpt was timestamped Thursday, April 29 at 10:21 a.m.

in other news, john and i have started house hunting... it's going slowly because we're commitment-phobes. imagine that. plus can't buy shit for $700k. but it's fun moguling and checking out staged homes.

Little did I know, six hours later, John would drive down from the city to view the house for possible consideration of putting in an offer. Exactly, 12 hours later, we would sit in my realtor's office and draft the offer.

I guess every now and then, we make these spur-of-the-moment decisions (e.g. moving to Shanghai). So far, we haven't been burned yet. Life is good to us.

My New BFF

2010-05-01T23:51:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, I toyed with the idea of becoming a realtor. Since my parents love to mogul, in the very least, this was a skill/expertise that could come in extremely handy for the family. But after looking over all the materials and certifications, I decided it all sounded too laborious and tedious. And in many ways, I saw myself coming up short: like I didn't quite have the gregarious/salesperson personality for the job... Yeah, I could probably handle the tedious stuff pretty well but talking to strangers? Ugh. Still, if I were a realtor, let me tell you, I found my realtor alter ego. My realtor is my latest BFF. Seriously, this woman is on the ball. Super prepared, very thorough, and she asks lots of questions, noting our needs, our wants, pros, and cons. And she lines shit up and coordinates things like nobody's business.

Realistically, John and I had been "researching" housing in this area for well over a year. Frankly, going to open houses had almost become a hobby for us. Like my/our fascination with Stacy and Clinton, we were just continually amazed by how "put together" these people's spaces were. Or at least, how incredibly polished the work of these stagers/interior decorators could be! These setups blew me away! Yeah, like world-class art collections at MoMA and the Prado rarely elicit any effect but this shit?

Like I said, we'd been looking rather casually for a long time. Then my parents visited at the end of March/early April, and we started working with our hardcore realtor. In a few weeks, we clocked in DAYS learning about the process, the documents, evaluating homes, locations, etc. We never intended to buy before May 1. Sure, dad kept reminding us of the federal and state tax credits but whatever, we were commitment-phobes. Plus, we liked our big nest egg. It allowed for freedom in an entirely different way, for example, John's 10-month hiatus.

Then on April 29, I toured five properties in South Bay. I don't know how this happened, but somehow, our price range now enabled us to purchase a single-family home instead of a condo. What a huge fucking difference, especially given our run-ins with home owners' associations in Virginia AND in California. We were fed up with their bullshit! Long story short, John drove down after work on Thursday to see a home I thought could work. And just like that, we put in an offer at midnight. Yup, that's the way we roll: resist, resist, resist, then bam! Buy it NOW and on the LAST POSSIBLE DAY!

Interestingly, the owners are an interracial couple: Chinese (American?) woman + Caucasian man. They divorced last year and had intended to put the home up for sale in the winter, but moving stuff out took longer than usual. So, the property didn't go to market until late March. Meanwhile, it sat vacant...

I couldn't help but wonder about the owners, who they were, how their relationship had evolved, and why it had ended. The guy had moved to the city; the woman had moved back east. This property was just dragging things on for them.

The day before us, another party had submitted an offer. The owners submitted a counter-offer. We then squeezed in OUR offer. John and I agreed to bid, but after we submitted the docs, we were nervous and uncertain and regretful as hell. The next day (April 30), I awoke with a major stomach ache. When I headed into work, I convinced myself that there was no way we would beat out the other party. The owners would simply sign, and we'd be out (and free again)! On the other hand, John had a feeling we would get it. Shortly after noon, my realtor called to congratulate us. I think even she was surprised they accepted, because we had offered significantly less than their asking price. But like I said, in a weird way, the owners' marital misfortune was our opportunity, because they were motivated to have all this shit over and done.

As soon as our realtor broke the news, I was in shock. Like omfg, are you serious? What the hell have I done? We're not even fixer uppers and the place doesn't have a maxed out kitchen, which was one of our top 5 wants! It was crazy. I didn't feel good about it at all. But later that day, I went by the house again and slowly, I accepted. Since then, I've gone to the house every day. And thankfully, we are both loving it more and more.

And I am so thankful my realtor is on the ball. She's got meetings lined up this week with contractors to give us estimates on the work we want done, ideas on how to do it; I'm meeting a freaking interior designer too! Would be great to start fresh. I want it to look like HGTV! Is that so much to ask?

Actually, now John and I are really stressing. We don't have ideas. We just know from a line-up what we like, but we could never verbalize or come up with creative ideas on how we want to do shit. I mean, windows, flooring, the fireplace facade... I don't fucking know. Wall colors, rug colors... yup. This is going to be a shitload of work. And on top of that, we're having to get all our shit in gear for closing, we're going to Taiwan next month, AND then we're going to have to move. Holy fuck, right?

Yes, we're excited. But we're also apprehensive and stressed. I need to start reclaiming control immediately. Yes, I have started packing already. Well, what do you expect? I need to effing downsize. Seriously. No games this time. This is another chance to be the minimalist I've always wanted to be. Fingers crossed.

Breathing Through the Mouth

2010-04-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

OMFG. Pollen counts are currently through the roof! Consequently, I have not breathed through my nose in the last three weeks. And I am all jacked up on Zyrtec and Flonase. Wtf! Burning eyes, swollen nose, itchy face... Fucking A. Thankfully, there was a cancellation, and I am going to see the Ear Nose Throat doctor tomorrow. I mean, already I have seen the family practitioner, an allergist (twice), and you know what? It's now time for the big guns. Seriously. I cannot live like this. It's screwing up my productivity, not to mention cramping my style. Who can be seen in public with a swollen nose? I feel like a goddamn elephant seal. Ok fine. Enough groaning. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, in other news, after my parents left, John and I jetted to Atlanta the very next day. I was in town for a tech conference that was-- as always-- so energizing and inspiring. I learned so much in the three days. Outside of the sessions, John and I walked around downtown in search of tasties, and we spent a couple hours at the world's largest aquarium. Super impressive. Yeah, ticket prices were definitely steep, but that 6.3-million gallon tank containing 4 whale sharks is pretty damn cool. Good times. I came back and cranked out a shitload of Yelp reviews for ATL. The bummer about the conference? No Anderson Cooper sighting, damnit. Some friends insist he is gay, but like I said, he has never confirmed either way. In other words, shut the hell up and let me have my fantasy encounter. As an AC stalker on Twitter informed me, he's actually based in NYC. Well fuck.

So this week, I'm back at work feeling ready to take on new challenges. I already have a million ideas floating in my head. I had a meeting with the head head honcho today-- it went ok. The one thing I can't stand about my workplace? Conservatism, fear, and stodginess. Seriously. And I don't mean political conservatism. I mean that they are so damn out-of-touch and out-of-date. Like telecommuting is still a novel concept. Really? In 2010? Like we aren't even debating true telecommuting... we're still stuck on the VPN sub-policy. The biggest concern? People will log in and their kids will hop on the computer and delete agency files. Give me a fucking break. The insane level of fear is so damn paralyzing. It really is painful to observe. And unfortunately, it only exacerbates those stereotypes about government workers. Ugh.

Ok well I'm drifting off to sleep now. More this weekend hopefully.

So Tired, Boss!

2010-04-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

Omg, I am so freaking tired. Parents came in Wednesday morning. I worked from home after picking them up at the airport. Thursday, I went to work. Friday, I took the day off. I had forgotten that yesterday was Good Friday, so we went to the California Academy of Sciences and omfg, it was like entering a Chuck E. Cheese. Holy shit, there are a lot of kids. I have no idea where they all came from... And people aren't just having like one kid. They are having like 3+. Seriously, I saw several women lugging around 3 little ones each. Honestly, is life so boring and unstimulating that kids are needed to crank things up ten notches? I mean, a double stroller, a baby sack, monster diaper bags. Insane. Why?

The museum was a frickin' mad house. I mean, sure, nice, "innovative" museum with some unusual exhibits but way. too. crowded. We were in and out in 1:45. Would I recommend the museum to others? Sure, why not. But only in the middle of the week. Otherwise, just watch Life or Planet Earth in HD. Way more comfortable and probably even more compelling and informative.

Long story short, yesterday was all rush, rush. After the museum (damn, SF was drizzly, windy, and cold!), we hit a dim sum place in Millbrae. Flower Court or something. Place was so damn packed, they only offered valet parking. Rip off. And the food wasn't even that good! I hate dim sum. So overrated, and who gets full on tray after tray of just bite-sized morsels. I know, I'm sounding like a cantankerous geezer now. I'm just sayin', dim sum is lame.

After lunch, we then scurried down to Mountain View to check out some properties with a realtor. Saw four places. Two were pretty nice but after all was said and done, John and I still didn't feel compelled to give up our current rental to buy a newer place that lacked a yard, a pool/hot tub, and next door park access. But we found an agent who seems totally on the ball, so at least that's a good thing.

After 2.5 hours with the realtor, we headed farther south yet-- down to San Jose. I know, who ever goes that far south, right? Met up with my parents' friends who used to live in Frederick like 25 years ago. Yeah, was a crazy reunion. The last time I'd seen these folks, I was probably 7 years old. Ancient history, man. It was the weirdest thing though, being in their house. It was so characteristically Chinese. I can't even explain-- it's just that sometimes, when you step into a home, you just know Chinese people live there. It's a certain kind of decoration, the slipper cabinet at the door, the chaotic placement of things... Is it fair to say that the Pottery Barn/Crate and Barrel look is characteristically American? I mean, everything just always has to go, you know? Every time I enter my American friends' homes, there's just such Martha Stewart perfectionism. I dunno how people do it, really. It must be exhausting making a perfect home. Anyway, yesterday was a long day.

Today, thankfully, the weather warmed and dried a bit. We took mom to the farmer's market this morning. Then the Chinese market. More seafood. I made Vietnamese spring rolls for lunch, and dad kept asking where the meat was (uh, they're salad rolls-- get over it). As if giving me a compliment, he said, "Well at least I finished it." Gee thanks. You ate one vegetarian plate. Let me give you a medal. My dad is a goof.

In other news, John has hung around home most of today... waiting for his iPad to arrive via UPS. He must have checked UPS tracking every 5 minutes. They made him wait until 4, but now he's getting the thing all set up. Completely enthralled by his latest toy.

I finally replaced my laptop battery... the original had lasted about 4 years, and then it was starting to cause random shut-downs and blue screens. I went for a generic replacement. So far, so good, but the true test remains to be seen. Hope the blue screens finally go away.

I spoke to my paternal grandfather the other day. He's sounding a lot older than I remember. I'm trying now to arrange a quick trip back to Taiwan in May. I'm such a vacation hoarder, but I'm afraid about waiting too long... Ek, too much going on.

My Life is Boring

2010-03-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, so apparently, now that my blog migration is complete, it seems I'll be writing a new post every few days. Lucky for you... Nah seriously, I can just feel an entire truckload of issues piling up. Perhaps it's the end of the quarter. Or maybe I'm just fucking due for a third quarter-life crisis... is that even possible? Oh fuck, that's right: I'm 33. Guess calling it a quarter-life crisis is far too euphemistic. So fine, third-life crisis. It's time.

The thing is, I spent a lot of time online the past several days. Yeah I know, aren't I already online 24/7? True but what I'm trying to say is, I spent many hours reading about other people's lives. This guy I knew in Shanghai. He's a writer. He's getting a book published. His wife is a superstar corpo. They have 2 adorable mutts, and they live in the French Concession in Shanghai. They document their lives with writings and with gorgeous photos. I wish I were them. I wish I had photos to document such a rich and vibrant and luscious life, but I don't. I take crapass photos and I also look insincere or deformed in my photos. Seriously, you have no idea how many hours I have spent trying to "learn" how to be photogenic. My conclusion? It cannot be learned by me. My face just isn't shaped right.

Then the other day on twitter, I came across a travel blogger. Not even 30 years old, she has traveled the world four times over. And she had turned her passion into her job. She's a perpetual observer, learner, traveler. I wish I were her.

Last night, I got a LinkedIn update about someone I knew in Shanghai. She had been a "tai tai" until her boyfriend of eight years left her. Then, she moved to Hong Kong, and now a mere four years later, she is running her very own PR company. Her site has all kinds of crazy pictures of swanky parties, fashion events, celebs. Uber posh. How fucking glamorous and thrilling to run your own successful company and wine/dine with beautiful people at fancy places in HK? I want to be a hipster corpo too! Man, maybe I've been watching too much Entourage. I'm just sayin'...

"You can be whatever/whoever you want to be." Is that really true? Does that really apply? I mean, aren't some people just destined to live safe, boring lives? Sure, some might argue that John and I up and left for Shanghai back in 2003. We were adventurers. True, but god, that was six years ago. What have I done in the last year that has even moderately impresses myself? or that convinces me that I am alive and not going through the motions? Ugh, it's so difficult not to sound like a spoiled brat. I know I am surrounded by love but still, I find myself wondering: is there more? These people who trigger my insecurities... certainly, they are happy. How could they not be?

What's it going to take?

New Meds = Meltdown?

2010-03-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah figures I would try to blame my recent emotional instability on new meds... Well, I guess it's just a hunch, but I DID just switch to a new BCP on Sunday (if you must ask, you don't deserve to know).

Anyway, I was sitting at my desk this morning and my eyes suddenly filled up with tears. Yes, it was one of those days... when I hate people. I felt so strongly misanthropic today that I almost threw up. First it was a post the other day from my friend in Asia-- insane animal cruelty where someone jammed a wooden stick down a poor dog's throat and tied him to a metal rail. The picture is heartbreaking. Seriously, wtf is wrong with people? Makes me so sick to my stomach. Then this annoying news about Jesse James. John says he wasn't surprised: "just look at the guy." But it's not just about Jesse James. It's about men creeping left and right. Yes, women do it too, but by and large, I think it's fair to say men started this whole game and they are definitely in the lead. But whatever. I just don't get the infidelity thing. Get over your fucking self. You're not the shit; you're just an asshole: a selfish prick who thinks it's ok to treat people you "love" like shit. Wel, fuck you. Yeah, just thinking about this gets my blood boiling. Then the last straw? Last night. The goddamn evening news. CalState East Bay professor busted for raping a 13-month old baby, AND the baby's mom was in on it. I just cannot wrap my brain over any of this bullshit! It's the frickin' Duke official all over again! What the hell is wrong with this world? I just can't take this anymore. I can't take it.

So yeah basically, I was a veg most of the day at work. Frickin' on the verge of tears. Luckily, I salvaged some of the afternoon after my new book arrived, and it got me working on the next steps for my dogs at work proposal...

I'm feeling better now. I had a long soak in the hot tub, and then I gave both dogs a bath (did you know bathing a dog removes 85% of the allergens for people who are dog-allergic?). I'm feeling old today. John and I were just realizing that our 7-year wedding anniversary is coming up next month. Now we'll have been married longer than we had been dating before marriage. I still can't believe how young we were when we met: just a couple of kids, really.

John came down for lunch today. We were at Pizza My Heart, and at noon, the place was swarming with teenie boppers. God, they sounded young when they spoke. Boy, at 20, I was convinced I had this world figured out. Sigh. So innocent and naive and idealistic back then. That really was ages ago.

Fight Club

2010-03-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, John and I went to Lake Tahoe with a group of friends. We headed out late Friday night and arrived in the mountains very early the next morning. It was snowing/icing/hailing, and "chain control" took a good hour to pass. The theme of the weekend was physical exertion. Seriously, I need some new friends-- preferably ones who do not set personal goals of doing marathons, triathlons, and/or other ridiculously taxing activities.

Maybe I was just sleep-deprived. I don't know, but Saturday we started the weekend off with a bang. Snowshoeing. Yes, sounds peaceful, relaxing, and slow-paced... Do not be deceived. We snowshoed for nearly FOUR hours. I thought I was going to faint. My fatal mistake was wearing those damned snowboarding boots to showshoe. They were fucking heavy as hell and the tongue dug into my shin the whole damn time. Oh man, I was exhausted. Sure, the view was awesome once we got to the ridge that is Angorra Falls. Lake Tahoe was to the right; Fallen Leaf Lake was to the left. It was a beautiful clear and sunny day. But 2 hours would have sufficed. Seriously. I'm not training to be Rocky or anything.

So fine. About 4 hours, we made it back to the house. Thank goodness there was a giant hot tub to ease away the aches and pains. Of course, I wanted to just chill in the tub, but no, there was no rest for the weary. Way too much social interaction going on in what I usually consider my sanctuary. Haha, I told you I'm an antisoc at heart. Anyway, I went to bed pretty early that night. A bunch of people showed up at the house later. John said it felt like a house party. Definitely way too many degrees of separation for me. So yeah, I retreated to the bedroom; unfortunately, I didn't get much sleep.

The next day, we hit Sierra-at-Tahoe. I immediately put my skate helmet to good use: a couple belly flops (holy shit that hurt!), head hits, ass falls. On my way down Corkscrew Trail, a snowboarder chick plowed into me and PUSHED ME DOWN to preserve her own ass. Beotch! I felt like I was in a roller derby or something. But for my second time snowboarding, I guess I did ok. Meanwhile, John had a very relaxing day snowshoeing around Lake Tahoe.

On Monday, I was back on the slopes again-- a true glutton for punishment. First trip down the bunny slope, I caught the front lip and belly flopped. It was a really bad crash. Face down, I felt my body give that guttural "ugh." Sweet Dave, he was right there asking if I was ok. He fixed my sunglasses-- the metal nosepads had basically warped flat from smashing into my face. The snowmobile medic even came by to ask if I needed medical attention. I thought to myself: this must be what it's like to be body slammed in UFC. Seriously, after two days snowboarding, my body was the most beat up it had ever been, with bruised knees, butt, ribs. Ridiculous hurtlocker. But all in the name of good fun, right?

Nah really, I'm not yet convinced about these snow sports. They still seem like way too much effort considering the driving distance, the crazy amounts of gear, the expense... the good news is that John gave skiing another try. He took a lesson and again, his feet were KILLING him to the point of going numb. But I had him exchange his boots for a bigger size, and miraculously, that solved the problem. After that, he was riding the lift, going down the bunny slopes without any falls. He's so cute. So maybe next year, we'll hit the slopes again. I might even go back to skiing... snowboarding might just be too cool for me.

Usefulness of Google Calendar

2010-03-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

John and my friends always make fun of me, because I put EVERYTHING into Google calendar. At the moment, I maintain five separate calendars: work, personal, travel, health, bubbey. Yeah, I know, you could argue that five is a bit excessive and really travel and health could merge in with personal, but there are benefits to having separate cals (I'll spare you the details). The key thing here is that the current system works awesome for me. Yes, I insert my friends' schedules in there too. They're reluctant to share their Google calendars with me (I don't see why), but I input whatever deets I have regarding their vacations, schedules, moving dates, travel dates, etc. In that sense, Google calendar is like a contact management program. It allows me to remember details about my friends that I would otherwise forget. Keeps me up to speed.

And another great advantage? Chronology for blogging. If I go long periods without posting, all I have to do is refer to my calendar. In a matter of minutes, I'll remember what the hell I've been up to for the past two months.

February, for example, was pretty busy. Mom-in-law's bday, dad's bday (I actually found Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers translated into Chinese!!), Chinese New Year/Valentine's Day/Prez Day, badminton obsession, dog-friendly work policy, etc. And oh yes, I got my hair chopped. It was a last-minute impulsive change that I have regretted ever since. Ugh.

I also snowboarded for the first time ever. My work friends and I took Bay Area Ski Bus and did a day trip. Not too shabby but man, that ride home took FOREVER. Reminded me of being on that never-ending 21-hour bus ride from Shanghai to Beijing years ago. Anyway, here are some snow pics and even a video for your entertainment.

Back in the Black

2010-03-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

Yo, yo... I know, it's been AGES again since I last wrote. Sorry for the silence. My excuse is this whole Blogger migration debacle. Over the last two months, every time I logged in to write a post, I received his alert saying Blogger was no longer supporting FTP, blah, blah. I tried to read the documentation, but long story short, it was a huge headache. So, I procrastinated. All the technical bullshit just put me out of the mood every single time.

Yesterday I finally just decided to do the migration tool thingy and what the fuck ever, I couldn't figure out the CNAME crap so I just did the default hosting on blogspot. Btw, who the fuck took goodbers.blogspot.com? Now my blogspot URL is goodberz. Ugh. Annoying but whatever, I just set up my subdomain redirect, so hopefully for you the reader, everything is back to normal and you can still find me at www.blogger.goodbers.com. Yeah, a long and drawn-out explanation and really, I'm talking out my ass. The bottom line? I'm back, and you should be thankful. :)

Goddamn, we're at the end of Q1 already. Fucking A. Work is crazy busy as this is the end of our fiscal year. Other than that, the monster news here is that Bubs started his new job last week. This means we're back in the black. Yeah, I'm coming clean. Here in the SF Bay area where cost of living is frickin' high, I wasn't able to fully hack it as breadwinner. My paltry income still required us to dip into the red. Luckily we're quite the savers, so we sustained fine during the last ten months. But now, we're back to DINK status.

Honestly, I liked being the breadwinner. I'll miss it for sure. John was so clearly happier having time to decompress and play. And he really was such an awesome homemaker-- I got fresh, packed lunches. He baked, he gardened. He pretty much did everything except for clean, so yeah, life was pretty good. Last week I had all kinds of anxiety thinking about him returning to work. His new place is a startup again, and he's person #4. Add to that, an hour-long commute four days a week, and well, it has the potential to be disastrous. I never said I was an optimist.

But to his credit, week one went well. He still cooked dinner, went grocery shopping, and on Saturday, he actually cleaned up around the house. So maybe this really is the new Bubs-- uber proactive. And certainly, I'll benefit from being back in the black. I went shopping yesterday; I'm going to the theater next week; I can't wait to start traveling again. So the point here is that we'll proceed with caution. What else can I say: we're rejoining the ranks of mainstream America, with both partners working outside the home.

This blog has moved

2010-03-19T00:27:00.000-07:00

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The Work Never Ends

2010-01-31T20:39:00.000-08:00

So last week I was just getting back to my old self (nearing 100%). I readied for a productive week with a lengthy list of to-dos and then what happened? As luck would have it, I got summoned to jury duty. A little over a year ago, I had also been summoned. Back then, when I called the night before, I was immediately dismissed; they didn't need me. When I called this time, I expected a repeat. After having been out of the office a month in November and then a week between the holidays, I was eager to get back to full productivity. Wrong.

I was called in to appear the next day. I sat through jury selection the day after, and then bam, I was it. Fucking A. I mean, sure I had wanted out, but at the same time, I wasn't going to lie and insist that I would be biased just so they would eliminate me. So long story short, I was selected as an alternate. And that's all I'm permitted to say about the case. Apparently though, the alternate does all the work without reaping any reward. I'm now "on call" via phone in case they need me to go in. Whatev.

So that's how my week went. Then this weekend-- it was fun. The weather was dry and sunny. This weekend was fun. Tina came over on Saturday, and we started on Martha Stewart's piggy bank project. For some reason, I was convinced this could be done in like an hour. I know, I'm retarded. Here it is Sunday night, and the piggies are still drying. Tina and I will have to resume next week with additional layers, painting, sanding, etc. Geez Martha, your damn videos always make everything look so frickin' easy (not to mention clean)! Oh well, we had a good time being crafty, and I have to admit, piggy is coming along nicely. Meanwhile, John cooked up an awesome beef stroganoff in the pressure cooker (that was in addition to a tasty buttery brioche). Yeah, no wonder I still haven't dropped the holiday weight!

In other news though, I'm getting into the racket sports... yard tennis was a huge hit at work. Last Monday, before I got called into jury duty, my coworker and I hit the foam ball around in the board room during lunch. We worked up a sweat and all! And this is a fun activity to do while watching tv too. John reasons he should get expanded cable now that we're "active" in front of the tv. Nice try, buddy.

Tomorrow night a group of friends are heading over to a new badminton club. John and I have been practicing by hitting around at our usual "skating rink." I love that corpo parking lot-- it's so multipurpose. Seriously, in-line skating, caster skating, dog arena, badminton... who even needs a gym? I was thinking we can even tailgate in that lot! Haha. Guess I'm the only one whose fanatical about my concrete playground though-- my friends actually play badminton in proper facilities and shit. You know, places that have heat/AC, real nets, and super bright lights. Oh well, it's a good training ground for John and me. And boy do I need more practice: seriously, since when has my hand-eye coordination been about as good as a blind person's? John jokes that I'm swinging the racquet like Zorro swishes his sword. Ah well, I'm getting better... guess we'll see how things go tomorrow in public. :)

Yeah, sounds like all play time this weekend. But hey, I'm off tomorrow, so from now until badminton tomorrow night, I'm gonna cross some work items off my list. Need to get the momentum going again by Tuesday.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

2010-01-24T15:03:00.000-08:00

I'm thrilled to report that Powerpill is finally back in action. The cough still persists, but whatever, other than that, I am feeling great. Seriously, "normalcy" is awesome! And now I'm back and ready to tackle the to-dos in full force.

For MLK weekend, John and I made a quickie trip back to Maryland. Since we weren't around during the Chistmas/New Year holiday, this visit was in order. We caught up with a lot of the family-- took a couple nieces to Chuck E. Cheese (and I actually had fun shooting the hoops), then met others for painting at a pottery studio. Later, the whole family (minus 3 people) plus my parents met up one night for dinner. John's sister flew in from Irvine and I gotta say: thank goodness for her. She is a big-time doer. All those activities with the kids? She coordinated and organized. And though I'm not a big fan of kiddies, doing ANYTHING outside the house is so much better than farting around, lounging in the lazyboys chitchatting and watching the mailman run his route. Seriously. Sitting around only makes me more lethargic, so I welcomed my sis-in-law's approach. John would never pull that kind of energy: he doesn't organize activities; he doesn't make phone calls... Both families are healthy and well. I dropped in and visited with the gramps. They're going on a Caribbean cruise this week, leaving out of Baltimore I believe. Dunno how they have the stamina for all this traveling. Dad says they're also planning a trip to Shanghai for the Expo! That's like a 16-hr. flight! And my gramps are in their mid-80s. Insane. I've already started getting soft with just the east-west coast flight.

Speaking of which, we took the red-eye, because I am determined to be able to conquer that flight. You know how there are always those biz types on the red-eyes? Decked out in their suits, with the makeup, high heels, everything done all perfectly? On arrival, they're like the first to get off and it's as if they were leaving the house after a restful night's sleep in their own bed. I dunno how they pull that shit off! I imagine them getting their rental car all efficiently and shit and heading straight to the office for a presentation. I'm not in the corpo world, but I've decided that I need to master that kind of endurance. So before our flight to DC, I read up on jetlag and all the flight secrets. Hydrate. Don't eat. On arrival, DO NOT SLEEP until 11p local time.

Theoretically, the red-eye should totally be doable, especially because I crash on the plane. In practice though, as soon as I get to my destination, I am wiped and I totally crash out. This trip, it took all the strength in the world NOT to fall asleep as soon as we got to his my in-laws' house. John's family was talking about Shakira or something in the living room, and I drifted off into lala land right there on the couch. But that was just a 10-min nap. I don't consider that sleeping. :) Anyway, we did manage to make it to 11, and the next day, we were right on eastern standard time. Awesome. The next few days felt pretty good too. So next time the challenge will be to travel all decked out. Maybe I'll even ask for an upgrade in my suit. People say at a minimum, you'd better be looking spiffy if the airline is going to just give you an upgrade.

The flight back was ok, but damn, it was fucking long! Told you, I'm getting soft. The real kicker on this return journey was that I didn't use the lavatory at all. By the time we were in that half hour critical time of landing, I was about ready to explode. And with this new muffin top, sitting in the seat made the pressure over my bladder unbearable. But I was in that special period where no one is allowed to leave the seat. So I just waited and focused on breathing. Well, had we landed on time, I would have made it. Would have been very close, but I would have made it. But no. Thunderstorms, rains, winds-- they forced us to circle in a holding pattern. Fucking A. 30 minutes later and still no word on when we're going to land. And then I thought about all the dumbfucks who poke around while de-planing. Fuck, relief was probably a good 45 minutes out of reach. I tried stretching up and back. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I pictured myself getting UTI and that was it. I pressed the flight attendant button. Dude got out of his ejector seat. I explained that I needed to use the restroom. Yes, it was a goddamn emergency! John said as soon as I got to the aisle, I ran so fast. Whew. Let me tell you... next time, I will use the bathroom mid-way. Jesus Christ.

But back to my jetlag thing... yeah, we made it back to SFO, stayed up til 11p, and the next day, I headed back to the office all well rested and energized. See? I'm finally getting it!

In other news, I did two big activities this weekend. First, I went to that Spanish meetup group, and what do you know, it was awesome! About 8 people-- all with different levels but I found a few in my range and it was so fun. We chatted the whole hour away. And the good thing is, this meetup gets together every other week, so it's going to be frequent practice for me. I'm already motivated to cram so the next time I see them, I can start using past/future tense. Yay, that was such a pleasant surprise.

The second event I attended was the CrisisCommons Crisiscamp at the Yahoo campus. John went with me-- basically, it's a meetup with a bunch of tech people working on various projects to help with the disaster relief efforts in Haiti. The event organization was very similar to an un-conference/coding bootcamp style... a little too unstructured for my taste, but I was happy to do some data entry for their people locator tool. So overall, kind of a dud, but we still were able to help which was good.

Next week, I'm thinking of organizing a group to check out a new badminton club. Need to exercise more in the new year.

Getting Back Up

2010-01-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

You know that lame commercial, the one where the old lady trips and says pathetically, "I've fallen... and I can't get up!"? Well, for about ten days, I was that lady. Yeah, the holidays passed quickly and all the while, I was in a daze. The last day I had 100% self-awareness? Um, yeah it might as well have been like 1984. Seriously, feels like eons ago. Truthfully? I'd say December 23, the last day I was at the office.

I should have known something dreadful was in the air... Around the middle of December, I had stayed home sick-- woman problems and all that inconvenient shit. Then, on December 23, I was starting to feel a bit fatigued, but we were hosting a party that night to celebrate Festivus, so I didn't think much of it. Two days later, I was literally stuck in bed for DAYS! And the damn doctor was right on: around Day 4-5, fever would go away and then come back worse. All those days between Christmas and the New Year, the bedroom was like a germ lab-- we had cranked up the heat turning on the ceiling panels and the heating blanket, but I just could not get rid of the chills. My nightstand was covered with lozenge wrappers and mugs and glasses and the thermometer and Advil, Tylenol, cough syrup... it was a mess. And I actually remember thinking to myself: wow, this is what it's like to be really sick. Like so sick that 24 hours isn't enough time for a day's rest. So sick that I didn't even care about showering, combing, changing, washing, anything. Did the dogs know? I'm sure they knew something was up, because they were getting totally gypped with their walks.

The doctor warned I would be laid up all week through the new year. Through my fever and chills, I scoffed. And then, as I slept the days away one by one, I realized, goddamnit, she knows what she's talking about. I got a few hours of upright time in on Thursday and Friday. With my sudden albeit brief burst of energy, I went for a short walk and then started cleaning... Then, I was pooped again: back in bed. I miss having my full strength. I'm able to get out and about now, but I tire easily. Yesterday, I needed an afternoon nap. Today was better but I still zonked out before dinnertime.

Earlier today, John and I met up with a former coworker who's out in California on vacation. It was really good to see her again. I think our last meeting was 2003. I'd say we both pretty much look the same as we did six years ago, but a lot beyond that has changed, and I was glad to see that both of us had outgrown our former place of employment and moved on to better, more suitable opportunities.

Well tomorrow will be my first day back at the office. I still can't believe I was out for 12 days. Ugh, there is so much work to do. I sure hope I can last the whole day.

Btw, I know: new year, new resolutions. I think I'll be lazy this year and carry over most of my resolutions from last year: language learning, reading, volunteering, cooking... I like breaking stuff up into quarters-- it helps me pace. :) Oh and this coming Saturday, I'm going to a try out a Spanish meetup group. Need to get that shit back on track for real. Ok, body slowing down again. Time for bed. Wish me superpowers on my first day back at the office!

You Ready for This?

2009-12-28T21:10:00.001-08:00

Hello everyone. Hope you had a good Festivus/Christmas/Kwaanza. I'm not feeling very merry these days: I've been out of commission since about Christmas. First it was dry throat, then burning eyes, then wham! fever, cold sweats, body aches, and then I could not get out of bed! Pretty much my entire weekend was shot sweating buckets in bed. Sure, I managed to finish that fourth and final book of the year (a good read) but damn, I was supposed to be raring to go come Monday. You know, finish the year out strong! Well today is Monday, and I was still a goddamn mess. Four days, in bed. Enough is enough.

I thought maybe I had strep, because my throat hurt like hell. I was drinking so much tea with honey and lemon, I was peeing on the hour! Then I was hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. Fucking A! So I got an appointment with the doctor this evening. No, not strep throat. I have the fucking swine flu!! Can you believe this shit? Goddamn H1N1 in my house, in MY body! I'm so sick of my body letting me down, and boy has it disappointed this year. Seriously. First, I had random skin allergies, then I got food poisoning right around my friend's wedding in June, now swine-fucking flu. Meanwhile my doctor was this preggers lady, but she's still seeing sick people like me! Why can't I have that level of toughness? I'm sick of this bullshit. I mean, I exercise regularly, I don't do drugs, I hardly drink, I don't smoke... what more am I supposed to do to optimize? I'm pissed. So the doctor says going into the office is out of the question the rest of the week. I just hope my body permits me a few hours of normalcy per day so I can get SOME work done from home. We'll see though. Can't have high expectations anymore. How's that for new year's resolutions?

Pre-Xmas Road Trip

2009-12-21T22:39:00.000-08:00

The weekend before Xmas (and before my illness), John, the pups and I drove south for a couple days. We went to Hearst Castle, met up with some friends in Pismo Beach, stayed night in Santa Maria, then checked out Solvang, Ballard (Lake Cachuma), and Santa Barbara. I enjoyed the road trip, but it was probably just a tad too long in the car for me...

Oh December!

2009-12-13T10:19:00.000-08:00

I've been back about two weeks now... my re-assimilation is mostly complete. I was surprised to learn that despite my month-long habit of eating late dinners (past 9 p.m.) in Spain, I had only gained a few pounds or so. Guess all that walking to/from school helped me burn off that bread, cheese, and fried meat. Of course, since then has been a whole other story. Seriously, I just cannot control myself with Bubbey's cooking. It's like when my brother was in college, he participated in this week long Outward Bound-type of activity. His body felt so starved during the week that after he returned, his body just couldn't stop eating. It was like stockpiling for the next bout of hunger. I kind of feel like that-- I had gone so long without that coming back to homemade French bread, pretzels, fried rice, HK milk tea... I sort of went crazy. I think I've piled on about 5 lbs. I know, normally whatever, it all comes out in the wash, but my pants/jeans are getting tight and well, to be honest, the muffin top is extremely uncomfortable. Think I'll go board skating a bit today. It really has been ages.

So I have finally started my fourth and final book for the year. I know, I can see my bookworm buddies rolling their eyes right now. You don't have to tell me: I'm pathetic. But hey, give me some credit for trying to finish the year out strong. I have two weeks to cram this final read: Waiter Rant. I finally cracked the shit open this morning... I swear I am the world's slowest reader (probably because I do it so often, right?). I think I read like two chapters in an hour. But I just finished my first mug of milk tea. Man, if I ever found a substance on which I could grow addicted (besides internet, of course), I think it would have to be milk tea. John has truly mastered it's making, and since I normally consume very minimal amounts of caffeine, drinking this crack is like giving me superpowers. I get a whole new wave of energy-- Powerpill Amplified! Fucking awesome. But I don't like the concept of addiction, so I think I'll have to cut it back. Seriously, I'm that much of a control freak. I have to know I can cut it off just. like. that. So I'll have one wave of superpowers today but after that, back to Powerpill regular. Boo.

What else. Work has been insanely busy. While I was away, I still did some work and checked my email and shit (surprise, surprise), so actually, when I got back at the beginning of December, I was mostly caught up. But damn, December is full of project milestones and I'm just busy-- budget planning, newsletter production next month, videos... I do love this job though. Seriously, everyday, I thank my lucky stars for this miracle. I continue to be amazed. And I look forward to Christmas week when the office will be closed, but I'm going to go in. It will be so quiet. I'm so happy thinking about all the shit I'll get done. I know, I'm a workaholic. But don't worry about me: John and I are staying in town, and I'll still be off on Christmas eve and Christmas day. That's plenty of time off for the holidays. Bleck!

In other news, we're heading to San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara next weekend with the pups. I sure hope this recent wet weather takes a break. I could use some sunshine, because the weather's starting to influence my mood. :)

Oh by the way, the verdict on my new boots? Fucking awesome. Love them. Of course, since they are my priciest shoe/clothing purchase EVER, I'm wearing them 24/7 now-- gotta lower the price per wear to something I can tolerate, you know? :) Just kidding but boy, what a relief to finally have comfortable AND stylish shoes. Who the fuck knew this was possible? Like to this level of comfort, really. Plus they are waterproof and have awesome grip--I'm Wonder Woman in these suckers!

Speaking of clothes/shoes, remember Esprit from back in the day? Can't believe they are still around. I randomly came across them through some Google Adsense link... a little young but not bad for ideas! See what I mean? My brain is practically on crack with this milk tea shit!

Flying Out

2009-12-01T13:52:00.000-08:00

Another restless night in Spain... since I had to awake before the crack of dawn this morning, I went to bed early to ensure a full night's rest. No such luck. The street outside my hostal was quiet compared to the cacophony of Saturday night, but I was simply too damn excited to sleep. It's been 3.5 weeks-- seemingly long and yet still kind of short. I should say, I was surprised that my taxi ride was freaking 40 euros for about 20 minutes. That's the downside of Madrid-- no decent mode of transportation to/from the airport, particularly outside the metro/airport bus operating times. I suppose it's easy money to get the tourists. But just a minor annoyance.

Last night, I skipped dinner and grew so hungry dreaming of all my favorite foods-- Thai, Indian, California, Chinese, pizza... I couldn't decide whether right off the plane in SFO I would grab an In N Out burger or pizza. I gotta give props to all the doner/kebab shops-- they provided welcome respite from salty, heavy tapas and bocadillos. I actually had a salad with a dressing other than oil and vinegar!

Hmm, interesting. I'm actually catching a British Airways flight (not Iberia) into London. Yay, that means free pillow, blanket, food, and drink. The Brits are living it up, I tell you. I was so focused on scoring my max legroom seats on the long haul, that I totally skipped over getting good seats on the 3-hr leg to LON. Duh. Oh well. Hopefully, I'll just crash either way.

A Look Back

2009-11-28T04:35:00.000-08:00

I just arrived in Madrid. My dig camera is out of juice (the battery sure doesn't last long), so I'm catching up on blogging while charging the cam and airing out the room (which smells of wet dog). Unfortunately, I was slow on the draw when reserving my hostal in Madrid, so I ended up having to resort to an alternative travel site, Venere.com for reviews (Usually, I go with my travel guides + Tripadvisor). Needless to say, the location is very good (super close to Puerta del Sol) and who can resist free wifi, but well, its a tad dingy and I won't even say what was on the bedspread. Cringe.

Last night, I didn't get a good night's rest in Salamanca. I dunno, my mind has just been so restless lately thinking about continuing my Spanish, traveling more, earning more, just doing more. I look back at my resolutions for 2009, and I think I've done fairly well considering in my mind, I assign the items different weights, but still, in the simplest evaluation, I've done maybe only 6/10 or so. I dunno, I'm just manic or something. On one hand, I'm super happy with this immersion program. I think I learned maybe 500 or so Spanish words, and my evaluation came out mostly positive. On the other hand, I met so many people who speak like 3-4 languages, and it makes me wonder what I've been doing with all my time? Where did it go? What new skills did I learn? Ugh.

Oh well, in the very least, I think this trip was a good self test. Honestly, I am amazed how much Shanghai taught me in terms of traveling and figuring out new systems. Like the other day, I was in Carrefour in Salamanca, and when I bought fruit, I knew that I had to remember the produce number, put the items on the scale, and print out a price ticket. Seriously, what consumer in the US has to do that much work? You just bag the produce and the cashier weighs/prices it out. And now I know all about skirting ATM withdrawal fees and international credit card fees... And I know about purchasing a prepaid local SIM card. And I can figure out taking public transportation... I'm not bragging, I'm just saying that past experience makes traveling so much easier now. Like I don't have to be a full-blown tourist taking taxis everywhere and needing to be handheld, you know?

That said, I have committed some interesting faux pas in the last three weeks:
1. Even before I arrived in Spain, I had trouble keeping "want" and "have" straight in Spanish. In Spain, they charge extra at the supermarkets for plastic bags. Since I took my backpack with me everywhere, I never needed a bag. Well, early on in Salamanca, I went to the market and I kept telling the cashier, "No tengo una bolsa." I had meant to say, "I don't want/need a bag," but I was saying the opposite: "I don't have a bag." She kept trying to offer me a bag, and I just kept firmly repeating my line. It wasn't until I left that I just laughed. So retarded.
2. After that horseback riding escapade with my friend Inke, I thought I had a great story to tell my host family. So I said Inke's horse kept misbehaving. After several attempts to throw her off, Inke got very scared. The word for fear is miedo. But I thought it was mierdo (with the r) and a verb instead of a noun, so I conjugated it for 3rd person singular. The result? "Inke shits." Mierda is the word for shit. I should have used "Inke has (tiene) fear." And of course, I only know present tense, so please bear with me... Anyway, I didn't make any sense, but through my hand gestures, I suppose they got the picture.
3. On paper, I'm pretty good with verb conjugations. In regular conversation though, it takes a few more seconds and I sometimes still think "yo" means "you" instead of "I." So the other day, the lady told me to ask her hubby if he wanted soup with dinner. Simple enough. So I go into the living room and say, "Quiero soupa?" He says no. I got back to the kitchen and realized I just asked him, "Do I want soup?" Fucking A, right? So then I go back and ask him properly, explaining that my earlier question was incorrect. Same answer, but god I felt dumb. Ah the joys of speaking a new language on the fly.
4. There was this Japanese dude at the school, who lived with the same family as one of my classmates. Ok, so both students are Japanese, and Yusuke only speaks Spanish and Japanese. Nevertheless, every time I ran into him at school or at the internet cafe, I started speaking to him in Chinese and then for some bizarro reason, I kept saying goodbye to him in English. And not just "bye" but like, "catch you later" and shit. Yeah, exactly. Muy confusa, I tell you.

Btw, did you hear? It's supposed to SNOW on Sunday in Salamanca. Holy shit. I need to get out of this cold weather. And in Madrid, the forecast is calling for rain and temps in the 40s!! Eek. I hate the cold. I'm gonna have to pull out my second set of thermals and double up!

Ok, so what's on tap my first night in Madrid? It's only 2pm right now, but I'll probably head out shortly to walk around and then tonight is the flamenco show. Hope it's not too crazy.

Stupid Kids

2009-11-26T05:39:00.000-08:00

Ugh, I'm so glad that tomorrow's my last day... I mean, I wouldn't mind staying at the school, but my classmates are really starting to irk my nerves. Yesterday, this daddy's boy in class complained that one of our former teachers used to spend the whole class talking, like talking to ME... uh, excuse me, but I actually study and know my shit so sorry if I actually have real questions that can't be answered just with the dictionary. It's not my problem you don't care about learning grammar... it's not my problem you still can't distinguish 1st, 2nd, and 3rd person. And it's not as if the professor and I were just chitchatting, we were actually talking about usage, like when to use muy vs. mucho. Pay attention, and maybe you'll actually learn something. Ugh, so annoying. Seriously, fuck off.

As for the others, everyday the same group of kids skip out on the cultural class. Today, this one kid who had been absent the last few days returned with a monster black eye and the left side of his face all scraped up. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah sure, people do stupid things when they're young. Still, is getting sloshed to the point of getting your face all fucked up really necessary for an authentic adolescent/young adult experience? Juveniles.

Thankfully, my new housemate is a serious language learner. The dude is only 19, but he really is quite precocious. Like he gets that he has to work to pay for his travels around the world. He gets that when he stays at a friend's house when he travels, he has to pay for groceries and help with cleanup. I share the bathroom with him, and he's so clean. Plus he helps with food prep, setting the table, cleanup... I'm amazed considering I know several people in their 30s who still don't get this. And then of course, these other jokers in class are crybaby brats. Haha. Just one more day of class. I'll try to get pics of my profs. They're awesome.

In the Homestretch

2009-11-25T08:06:00.000-08:00

I'm in the homestretch now... 2 more days of classes and then I'm off to Madrid. Although I'm a little bummed about leaving my little island of learning, I suppose it's time. Time to get back to Bubbey, the pups, my homies, California, and all that jazz. Tomorrow is Thankgiving, and I'm missing out on my favorite holiday of the year. Originally, I had packed a box of Trader Joe's corn bread mix to share a little something something with my host family, but yesterday, when I brought up using her oven, well, let's just say, it's not going to happen. So no delicious corn bread on November 26 for me.

Honestly, I cannot wait to get home to eat vegetables and fruit and cereal!! I've had so much bread and meat here... And I gotta get me some Mexican horchata too. They make it here with tigernut instead of almonds and ugh, not good!

So my plans for Madrid are mostly done. I've booked my bus ticket, my hostal, and my ticket for a flamenco show. And I've got it all down in the calendar when I need to check-in for my flight online so that I score a killer seat. Back in my room, I'm tempted to start packing the suitcase already... I know, I'm always just busting at the seams. Ah well, I will control myself.

This week in Salamanca is noticeably colder than last. They say this is what the late fall/early winter in Salamanca usually feels like... I still prefer the warmer temps, even if they are an anomaly and a sign of global warming. I don't like having to wear a gabillion layers and dragging my gloves and coat with me everywhere.

Well I'm getting cold and tired here in the classroom. Think I will head home early today. Maybe do some studying in bed. Like a true nerd, I whip through my homework during class breaks, so I get those done and out of the way very quickly. Maybe tomorrow, we'll have a test. Who knows. I'm not stressed. I've learned a lot, and I can finally say in full honesty that that really is all that matters. But my friends, I'm giving you heads up... start plotting where we'll do the next Spanish immersion...

Last Sunday in Salamanca

2009-11-23T06:09:00.000-08:00

Salamanca II

2009-11-21T09:13:00.001-08:00

Craziness at the Internet Bar

2009-11-21T04:06:00.000-08:00

So after dinner last night, I headed to the nearby internet cafe. I ended up catching up on "work." The eblast application we use has been bugging out lately... not sure what it's about but it's really thrown a monkey wrench into things. Anyway, there I was working away, and some dude suddenly ran into the cafe, shut the door, and asked the shopkeeper to lock it. Through the window, I saw another dude coming up and pounding on the door. I don't know if this was thug activity or what, but the guy was breathing super hard, as if he were running for his life! Then the shopkeeper got on the phone and in a matter of minutes, two cop vans pulled up and tons of people poured into the streets. Across from the cafe, cops interrogated two men... I tried to ask the shopkeeper what happened, but I couldn't really understand him, so I just asked short questions like, "maybe the guy (being interrogated) was drunk?" They had a "problem?" It was really kinda scary, because I had no idea what was happening.

Plus, the internet cafe was near closing time, so there was only one other guy using the computers-- and he was totally engrossed. Anyway, it was a weird experience. When I left for home, the cops were still questioning the guys and canvasing the neighborhood streets. I just scurried home as fast as I could. Didn't want to hang around and press my luck.

So far, today has turned out to be a real bust. I walked all over town searching for a cafe with wifi. I even went by the McDonald's. In the end, I crashed at a cafe near the school, nursed a cup of thick hot chocolate, did some more work, and then headed off to meet my new Chinese friend Shu. Just my luck, I totally misunderstood her on the phone yesterday. I thought we were meeting to hang out/eat at a cafe. Nope, when we met at 4p, she had already eaten and she had planned to take me on a tour around town. Meanwhile, I've already been here two weeks, and I've seen plenty of places... I asked her where to buy good nougat, and she didn't know so she took me to the Carrefour??! When we got out, it started raining and neither one of us had an umbrella, so she suggested meeting next Friday!!? I have no idea why we couldn't just go sit in a cafe and talk, but she just didn't seem interested. So I went home in the rain, and now I'm at the internet cafe again. Totally lame Saturday. I mean, at least I got some studying done earlier, and now I can update my blog, but still...

Week 2: Done!

2009-11-20T05:34:00.000-08:00

Well it's been another busy week. I'm still ramping up my vocabulary, learning a shitload of new words. Since I started this immersion program in early November, I've been trying a new system to organize my notebook: I write word lists in the back and categorize them by parts of speech. So far, this has worked wonders for my memorization. I'm pretty psyched about it: my class is full of youngsters (whipper snappers in their late teens and early 20s), but the words aren't sinking in for a lot of them. Maybe they're out partying every night... who knows. I'm just happy to keep up.

Man, today the teacher went off on the Taiwanese student in our class who always says "Si" but never really understands what the teacher is saying. I always see her in the school after class, but I don't know if she's just surfing the web or what, because she doesn't understand AT ALL. Whenever the teacher calls on her, it's the most uncomfortable next few minutes. Poor girl. I tried to tell her yesterday in Chinese that the teacher doesn't want her to say "Si" if she doesn't really understand but today, it was the same thing all over again. So the teacher asked her, "Comprendas?" which means "Do you understand?" And the girl just kept throwing out words trying to guess what the teacher wanted. I think maybe she needs private lessons, because she's already been here at least a week longer than me, AND she says she wants to major in Spanish!!

Anyway, in other news, I went horseback riding with Inke yesterday. My teacher helped me find an equestrian center online, then Inke and I spent like 30 minutes talking to the school coordinator, asking if he could call to get more information. Finally, we mapped it all out: taxi to bus station, bus to the small town on the outskirts of Salamanca. All was great. On the bus there, we met a Chinese lady who's studying Spanish at the University of Salamanca. She's about my age, and is from Shanghai! Isn't that amazing? I go to Spain and meet someone from Shanghai! Of course, she speaks a gabillion languages: English, Chinese, German, Italian, and Spanish. So jealous! So the riding started off well... but then my horse started doing this sudden run/stop thing. One time, I squealed and in turn, I think that made Inke's horse nervous. So then her horse kept trying to buck her off! It was crazy! And Inke's riden for like 10 years. The first few times, no big deal, but then after like 8 times, she started getting scared. Inke and Shu (the Chinese girl) switched horses but the same thing happened. Unfortunately, the leader couldn't switch his horse with anyone because it was only for advanced riders. Long story short, we ended up having to dismount and walk the rest of the way back. We were in the middle of a tree orchard (I think a place where they grow trees for logging?). It was beautiful but then it started getting dark and cold. By the time we got back to the ranch, we'd missed the bus back to town. Eventually, the next bus came (like 30 minutes later) and we made it back to Salamanca, but my god, we were cold, dirty, and hungry. And I had planned to get my picture taken after our ride-- but because of our incidents, it ended up being way too dark and by then, the mood had soured. Bummer.

Thankfully, I made it back to my family's house in time for paella. Delicious. I ate so much last night-- and in record time. Tonight is spaghetti. I also spotted a Dominos down the street from school today... could be a dangerous discovery! I'm craving food from home big time!

Eeeek, Slow Internet!!

2009-11-17T07:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long silence... internet connection at the school is super sketchy-- at times the connection is so good I can do Skype video with Bubbey. Other times, the wifi just cuts out and uploading my photos takes ALL DAMN DAY.

So last weekend was quite busy. Stuart, my housemate (who I just learned today is 62 y/o—nearly as old as my father!) rented a car and was kind enough to shuttle a few of us out of town to Segovia and Madrid. I mention his age, because he’s amazingly mobile for a senior citizen (well, he is!!). I mean, every morning he books it to school so fucking fast, I’m practically running to keep up (and I’m a very fast walker as it is!). He used to lead safaris in Africa, and he mountaineers too— I think that’s the term for it. He’s been to Nepal eight times already. Definitely a Lewis and Clark type if you know what I mean. Anyhow, thank goodness I brought my Dramamine, because we rented this little Corsa car (similar to a Civic hatchback) and the winds were so strong, the vehicle flapped around the whole way there and back.

Overall, I’m enjoying Spain. One nice thing is that all the places I’ve visited feel very safe. And because of the siesta and late late dinner, people are out and about past midnight. I really love the architecture too— crazy old buildings and then in the same place, ultra modern public transportation options... it’s a cool mix. The only downside is that most of the old buildings are religious edifices. To me, that’s such a waste of brain power and manual labor... wouldn’t it be so much better if these buildings served more useful purposes for more people? People here tell me that, particularly after Franco, the role of religion has decreased dramatically. That makes sense, because all these beautiful places are nearly empty! Ah well, regardless, I must admit it’s quite amazing to stand inside something that was built in the 13th century. People back then must have been so damn brilliant!

Let’s see: what else. Oh, my host family asked me the other day to use less hot water. Mind you, I took a 10-minute shower, and the reason I was in there a few minutes longer than usual was because I was also laundering my underwear!! Anyhow, she explained that there a large tank of hot water that serves the 43 families in the building. She claims I used up all the hot water... Needless to say, I’m now down to a shower every other day and it’s 5 minutes tops PLUS I turn off the shower when I lather up. I told you I’m camping for three weeks!

Day Trip to Avila and Segovia

2009-11-15T10:24:00.001-08:00

Salamanca

2009-11-14T10:28:00.000-08:00

Barcelona

2009-11-11T10:21:00.000-08:00

Hola de Espana!

2009-11-10T09:19:00.000-08:00

Hello, hello! Yup, can you believe it? I made it to Spain safe and sound. The journey to Barcelona last Wednesday was a rather long one (SF0-LON-MAD-BCN)-- 20 hours door-to-door, but the important thing is that most everything went according to plan. I even managed to bump up my flight (using my broken Spanish) and get into the city an hour or so earlier than expected.

Barcelona is amazing! It's a rather compact city, so I was able to see plenty in just two days. Plus, everything is very clean, tidy, and public transportation rocks (always a plus in my book). Man, before my trip, I had gotten myself all freaked out about petty theft and such. I hardly saw anything sketchy. I don't know if maybe the city started becoming more aggressive about combating pickpockets or what, but seriously, I noticed way more sketch in Shanghai. Yes, the morning after I arrived, I procrastinated for a good thirty minutes before working up enough courage to go outside and roam the streets. But once I got out there, it was totally fine... Really, I felt like I had gone way overboard splitting out my money and documents into three separate places, etc.

Now the part of my trip that totally bombed? My fucking shoes. It's ALWAYS the shoes. Had I known Clarks (Privos!) would fail me yet again (strike 2), I would have just worn my goddamn Sketchers man-shoes. You don't even want to guess how badly my feet are fucked: mondo blisters (which I punctured at night)... maybe the lesson here is simply that my feet are abnormal. I have no idea what the problem is: maybe my feet are too wide for Clarks? I dunno. I just have deformed stubbs now. It's a true shame, because I had even painted my toenails. Ah well, I can't get it all right. So the status now is: I think the shoes are BETTER... granted, I had been wearing them nonstop for 10 days BEFORE the trip started (I probably should have known then, but I was in denial) so they have come a long way. But still... they aren't the same as my beloved Birks.

But back to Barcelona. I can't speak much for the food-- I went to a few places but eh, not particularly memorable. A bit salty for my taste (I've been craving Bub's food actually). But the city itself is very very nice. Really great architecture, some funky architecture (more creepy, freaky than anything else), and then just a little bit of everything in terms of geography: mountains, beaches, city, parks, marina, and the weather was quite good. I can really soak up that Mediterranean sun.

I arrived at my host family's flat on Sunday night. I'm staying with a retired couple in their late 50s (but they remind me more of my grandma, who is in her 80s). But it's very much like staying at a grandmother's house: they turn off all the lights, the chandeliers are missing most of their bulbs. The bulbs that ARE there are CFLs. The handsoap is majorly watered down... it's pretty funny. I consider myself pretty conservationist, but uh, grandmothers are a whole other level. Yesterday, the apartment was so dark when I got home that I rammed into an accent table (luckily, nothing was broken) in the hallway. Now I have a monster bruise on the hip. Another student is also staying with the couple. He's an older Brit who has lived in Germany for three decades. He's a lively chap-- very chatty, and since he knows German and French, he just spews all the words out in trying to communicate with Senor and Senora. I kind of just keep quiet, but I'm trying to talk more. It's a little intimidating-- and a bit unexpected. Anyway, we eat breakfast and dinner (9 pm!) at the house. In between, I kinda just stay on campus or walk around downtown. The days are long that way, but there's no cell connection or internet at the house (they don't even own a computer!), so you know me... need to stay connected for as long as I can.

The classes are going really well. At first, I was bummed about not testing out of basic basic, but it's ok. I'm making good progress. They are not kidding about immersion... it's full on!

Ok, well the school is closing in about 15 minutes and it's getting dark outside. I should pack up and get going. I'll try to update again tomorrow and post some pictures.

Hasta manana!

Dr. Phil, Tell Me the Answer!

2009-11-02T22:35:00.001-08:00

John turned me on to Dr. Phil recently... Yeah, I know, Oprah gave her seal of approval years ago way before he had his own show; my only explanation is that I'm always about 10 years behind on pop culture. Seriously. Felicity, Sex in the City, Entourage, and many more I'm sure. Anyway, my exposure to Dr. Phil comes at a good time considering that I placed a call to the counseling hotline just this past weekend. In short, I'm fed up with my depressed friends. I don't know what it is, but I'm like a magnet for miserable people. I've tried so many things with so many of them... but as I have been told before, change has to come from them. And I have to stop trying to find the answers.

Long story short, the phone counselor suggested two things: 1) stop the endless research for resources 2) don't suggest anything 3) ask what they intend to do about their unhappiness 4) try to reconnect in common areas. So 1-3 is actually a different method for me, so I should give it a try. Maybe it'll be less frustrating, because I won't feel like I have wasted my energies thinking up options. Number 4 is going to be tough... especially since two decades have passed since we were in the same state. I don't know what we have in common anymore.

But back to Dr. Phil. He's pretty direct, and I like that. But in tonight's episode, I didn't get his position, backing a 21-year old mother (instead of her own very organized mother) in keeping custody of her 2 kids. The chick had issues: I mean, she dropped out of school, she was hanging with some ex-con dude who chain smoked around her kids, she had horrible relationships with her family even though her parents were raising her kids now... God, she was just a fucking mess. Sure, she deserves a chance to get back on track, but why should her kids have to hang around waiting for her to get her shit together. Either have your shit together or your kids should be cared for under more stable conditions. Anyway,the episode is to be continued, which means I'll never know what happens.

But Dr. Phil made an interesting comment. He said many of his clients ask, "How do you know who's a loyal friend?" His answer? Loyal friends come through the door when everyone else leaves. Then he said, you don't have to agree with everything someone does in order to support them. So now I'm totally confused. Which is which? On one hand, change comes from within, so if someone doesn't want to change, what can I do? On the other hand, if I feel I've done all that I can and I decide to just lie low, am I being disloyal? Ugh. Too much emotional drama.

I should be cramming my Spanish...

Halloween

2009-10-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

Trip Prep to the Max

2009-10-26T11:27:00.001-07:00

Since returning from my trip back East, Spain trip prep has become a full time second job. Seriously. But I think I have all my shit in order, including ATM/Credit cards without international fees (Go Schwab!), a travel adapter, my safety whistle, and gifts for the host family. Most importantly, I've whittled my shit down to just one carry-on luggage, which is AMAZINGLY minimalist for me. Three weeks, remember? Yeah, I rock.

This weekend was another packed couple of days. John and I hosted our first annual chilli cook-off. I was convinced ours was near the top of the list, but I dunno, guess our taste buds are totally different from everyone else's. We were dead last. What a bummer. But the party was still fun, and I got to see a bunch of people whom I hadn't seen in ages. Then today, we went to a monster pumpkin patch south of HMB-- Arata's. They also had a crazy maze and petting zoo (goats!!) which was cool. Have you ever noticed that goats have the strangest body shape? From map view, they are diamond-shaped because their abdomen area is so oddly bloated. Very weird creatures. The wonky eyes really freak me out actually. They would be cute otherwise... Anyways, we carved our pumpkin. The design was John's idea (something he had seen on a TED talk or something?) with my handiwork. I thought it turned out pretty adorable.

Catching Up

2009-10-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

Eeks, it's been ages. Busy, busy. Honestly, I don't know where all my time goes. September ended with a bang (as you know). After receiving endless tweets about cheapo flights to Europe, I finally took the plunge and booked tickets to Spain for a 3-week immersion program in Salamanca (west of Madrid). Leave it to the end of Q3 to push me to action. Yeah, I even finished Gladwell's book, and it was terrific. I'm ordering the Chinese translation for my parents. Anyhow, for some reason, the book gave me an extra push to do more.

After the thrill of reserving my Spain trip wore off, I got down and dirty with a whole other list of todo's. In mid-October, I went to visit the family. Got so much shit done in a few days, I felt like a real superstar: took parents to check out Charles Town, WV (casino and horse racing). Checked out Harpers Ferry (neither parent is outdoorsy but boy was dad excited about his $10 lifetime senior's park pass). Saw the beautiful fall leaves turn along Skyline Drive in Virginia. Met up with my Reston house property manager (was good to put a face to a name). Visited with my college roommie. Lunched with the in-laws. Visited my grandparents. Called a bunch of plumbers regarding a nasty sewage backup at the grandparents' house (yeah, I have a pretty tough tummy, but I almost hurled!). Researched health insurance options for the gramps. Purchased new tires for my mom... Yup, I was worked to a nub back East. The good news is my family is mostly healthy and well. I also discovered a kickass crab cake at Bonefish Grill (of all places). Super meaty, no filler. Delish.

The trip home was a good reminder/reality check. I just thought about all the things my parents have done for me, and all the things they do for their parents... and I just realized that yeah, it's a lot of work but I just need to shut up and do it. Because honestly, if all this crap (e.g. health insurance research) is confusing for me, it must be ten times worse for my parents trying to understand all the complicated mumbo jumbo. Plus, I see that they are starting to slow down. Aging just sucks. So anyway, I just try to put things back into perspective. It's not easy, because I do enjoy my bitch/woe-is-me sessions, but enough is enough. Suck it up and move on.

By the way, I thought my parents were going to flip about me going to Europe alone (without John as my chaperone), but then I realized, as long as I put the educational spin on it, I'm golden. And what do you know, they were totally supportive. My friend Pamela is so right... it's all about the angle (and the spin).

Ok well I gotta head into work now. Check out my recent pics though.

Ugh

2009-09-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

Traffic was an absolute bitch today. I think it took me about 2 hours to get home, and I was trying to hurry too so that I could book my Spanish immersion program. You see, the school was running a special and well, I wanted to catch it before it ended. And who knows what the cutoff is really, right? I mean, is it September 29 Madrid time, Pennsylvania time (HQ), or my own time? Who the hell knows, so just to be safe, I wanted to get in with some buffer. Of course, after I finally completed the online registration, I realized I hadn't see the prompt for a promo code, so it was all for fucking nothing. Seriously, I HATE when places run promos and don't just automatically apply it at checkout. Especially if the promo is pretty widely publicized like all over the homepage anyway... honestly, don't be a procedural tightass, just apply the discount to everyone who meets the stipulations! Anyway, major pet peeve, and now I have to call them tomorrow to try to negotiate the discount. What a fucking pain.

I swear, my days really can go from superb to shitty in a flash. Yesterday, I was all psyched about this project we're doing with the Goog. The mainstream news was going to possibly interview me about the partnership. Then, after like 3 hours on site, they never even interviewed me. Nothing was promised but still, they were on OUR lands. What a letdown, because I had really prepared. And it wasn't really that I was denied my 15 seconds of fame or anything, I just felt like the news dude wasn't very friendly, wasn't genuinely interested, and just plain didn't give a shit about our side of the partnership. But whatever, I got over it by the next day (today). And today went relatively well. Had some good meetings, made good progress on my work but then the drive home turned me into a sourpuss. My eyes were dry, I was starving, the wind was howling, the sun was in my face, and people drove like crap. It was just one thing after another.

Then tonight I tried to calm myself down and watch the Ken Burns series but I just could not get in the mood. I could not sit still. And now it's almost time for bed. Game over. Gotta wait until tomorrow to start it up again. So frustrating!

Q3 Wrap Up

2009-09-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

I'm back in the saddle again... Thank goodness, because the funk was such a goddamn drag!

Guess it helped that I recently celebrated my 2-year anniversary at work... The job is still rocking my socks off. Boss approved a couple of training requests I had for learning new skills AND he just okayed over THREE WEEKS off in November. I swear, dude is the most lax boss I have ever had. It makes all the difference. So yeah, my lengthy vacay in November is gonna be Spanish Immersion Take 2. Given the cheap airfares to Europe, I upgraded from considering opps in South and Central America to researching programs in Spain. Yup, doing it deluxe. I am still in the process of figuring out which school and which city but at least I have the tickets nailed. This will be my first real solo trip (not to mention my first time to Europe), so I'm a little nervous but also super psyched. Of course, special thanks to John, who is always supportive of my goals. He's happy to dog sit while I go off on my European jaunt. I just hope I make good progress learning Spanish.

Looks like my New Year's resolutions are mostly on track. I am supposed to finish reading my 3rd book of the year though (Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers), and I'm getting down to the wire here...

Oh man, I am beat. Today John and I went down to Watsonville to participate on a farm day at our CSA's farm. We hand-sowed lettuce seeds, milked goats, picked tomatoes, made marinara sauce, baked pizzas, etc. We weren't even that productive given we were there all damn day, but the sun is so f-ing strong that 8 hours felt like forever. Tomorrow is another busy day. Farm tours in Sonoma County. Gotta hit the sack early. When is John's infatuation with farm life gonna end??

The Funk is Back

2009-09-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

And I don't mean the good funk either... I'm in a rut again. This is the first time in a while (I think?), so maybe there's a hormonal explanation for this (I usually take my pills straight so as to miss the monthly "inclement weather," but I told myself dreary weather four times a year shouldn't be so bad. Well, welcome to the next rain!)

I find myself crying just at the thought of a disturbing news story. I come home and I'm suddenly exhausted, so beaten that I change into PJs and crawl into bed. All before 7 p.m. You see, this is not typical behavior for an "administrator" like me. In fact, this is unacceptable behavior and yet, I don't care. It's almost as if John and I have temporarily reversed roles. Except that I love my job. It's just, with the traffic and the horrifying news-- day in and day out-- of more violence committed against women, I just feel sick. Sick of these people... and to even say "these" as if there really were a "them" vs. "us." What a load of bullshit: Them = us. They are among us. Ugh, the world is sick, and I am so tired by it.

The story of Annie Le. How many times had I gone to the lab (in a newly constructed "secure" building)-- on weekends, at night, early morning... that could have happened to anyone. I can't stop thinking, wondering about her last moments. Everyday we engage with people: some whom we've known for decades, some for years, some for just days. Normally, just because I "know" these people, I assume they are good. I feel safe. That view is so wrong! The world disappoints. Who can be trusted, really? I feel so overwhelmed by negative thoughts and emotions. Distrust. Disgust. Disappointment. Hopelessness.

Like I recently found this local blogger who's like living the life, traveling to NZ for 3 months then Europe for 1, going to live shows all the time... I wonder, how the hell is she affording all this (she's unemployed)? Then I see links to couchsurfing on her blog. Now how the fuck am I going to couchsurf when I'm starting to look at just ordinary people on the street, at the store, with suspicion? The fear is building and however inconvenient, it is paralyzing me. Fuck, am I going to have to go to therapy again? Seriously, annoying, debilitating, bullshit.

Last time, my therapist said I should restrict exposure to things that trouble me. But I want to know what happens in the Jaycee Duggard case. And I want to know what happens with the Yale student autopsy and the suspect in custody. It's as if knowing what happens offers hope for some resolution or vengeance or SOMEthing, because how can this be? How can people honestly be so fucked up?

Just What the Doctor Ordered

2009-09-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

Despite me logging EVERYTHING in our shared Google calendar, John forgot that I had the day off tomorrow. So today being Football Sunday, he tried to throw me a bone so that I would leave him alone with the tv. In the morning, he spoiled me with breakfast (his food keeps getting tastier and tastier; meanwhile, I'm having to summon even more self-restraint so I don't turn into the marshmallow man) and then when we headed off to Costco, he let me buy that monster 14-lb. bag of baking soda and 2 jugs of vinegar I had been eyeing. Yeah, you see, trying to keep me occupied so he can watch his games. And what prompted this recent cleaning streak? No, not stress-- you'll be sorry you asked.

Last week, John went tromping around in our backyard. I have no idea what the hell he was doing out there (certainly NOT cleaning or gardening), but needless to say, he stepped in a pile of fresh Remy shit... and then, he proceeded to tromp around INSIDE the house, oblvious for probably 30 seconds. I was upstairs in the bathroom. All of the sudden, I heard him shouting hysterically. Wtf is going on? I couldn't understand anything he was saying. When he finally calmed down enough to speak coherently, I came downstairs and saw the damage. Brown footprints all over the tile and cream carpet and goddamnit, that shit stank!

And just my luck,John gets squeamish about the lamest things: poop, pee, and blood. I know, how can he stand to be human, right? That's all we are! So of course, I had to clean it up, and even though that stuff doesn't make me squeamish, it's still disgusting. Ever since then, I've been wearing my flip flops inside the house because I don't want no shit residue on my bare feet, you know? Transferring that crap onto the bedsheets and shit. Ugh.

Anyway, today was the day to disinfect. I'd been talking about steam cleaning the carpets for probably over a year (well before this incident). Today was finally the day. And yippee for us being cheap motherfuckers. DIY. We rented the Rug Doctor machine at Longs. The machine is simple enough to use, but cleaning with that thing is a major workout. The reservoir needs emptying way too frequently, the machine weighs a fucking ton, and the thing is deafeningly loud. Instead of their pricey special solvent, I used a vinegar and hot water mixture, which worked out pretty well. My carpets definitely look brighter. The Rug Doctor even picked up this huge area where I had spilled laundry detergent. Conclusion? Going by the color of the wastewater, John and I are filthy, dirty people. But the good news is, we found a pretty cheap and effective (albeit laborious) option for steam cleaning. Maybe now we won't drag ass for three years before steamcleaning. I'm just glad I can walk around barefoot again. Hurray for simple pleasures!

Theater Double Header

2009-09-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

Today John and I headed out to Martinez to check out The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, a musical comedy I've been wanting to see. Despite having to take a detour, we arrived to town early, grabbed lunch at Marie Callendar's (key lime pie!), and still scored front row seats!

The play was well worth the drive. And funny thing, they were recruiting members from the audience to participate in the spelling bee, so like the usual dork that I am, I volunteered along with three other girls (all under 21). Surprisingly, I didn't get overly stressed about being on stage, but I will admit that I started cramming before the play started. Yup, I kept trying to think up tough words. I know, SUCH a nerd. None of it mattered really. My first word: Mexican. My second word was like altagogy (?) or something. Anyway, it was interesting being on stage with the cast who were of course all exaggerated and in character. Then, they would kind of nudge us to stand or sit or move around. I saw Bubbey in the front row just laughing. I was up there for a while too, so I was much relieved when I spelled the second word wrong. Anyway, the play itself was so cute and funny. And the theater? What a gem!! The seating is cabaret style, so you have small round tables, they serve drinks and food... so charming! I was so sad to hear that they might close after 30+ years. Fucking economic downturn. Total drag.

Downtown Martinez itself was pretty dead too. Lots of vacant retail space and just an eerie silence.

On our drive home, John and I swung by the windmill farms in Livermore. It really was ultra windy over there! We hit the local Sonic (I had never been), and John said that would be my ideal second job-- waitressing on rollerskates. Haha.

I'm pretty beat now. Got home after 6, fed/walked the pups, hit the hot tub, got all cleaned up. Tomorrow, we're catching up with a couple of friends from out of town. Who knew so many people actually planned to travel this Labor Day weekend?! I thought everyone would opt for staying home because of all the traffic and road construction.

Oh well, I'm glad John and I will get a chance to catch up with KL and Belques: KL and I used to work at that fuel cell startup, so they used to live in Fremont, then moved to Irvine, and now just recently moved to San Luis Obispo. Always on the move, like every 12-18 months, and now they have a little baby in tow too! But no matter where we are now, we always like to do at least one quick round of trash talking about our former workplace.

In the evening, John and I are going into SF to meet up with my college roomie and her buddy. A few months back, I had told Yova about my fascination with the concepts of speed dating and of improv classes. Well, she actually followed through with both! The former-- horrible experience, but the latter-- awesome. I'm trying to get John to try improv... could totally be up his alley.

To follow in the same vein (yeah I had to look that one up: was it vane or vein?), we're gonna hit up Killing My Lobster after dinner. We caught their sketch show a few months back, and it was hilarious, like John had tears in his eyes, it was so funny. Sunday's show is a new one in a different theater. Can't wait to see how it pans out.

Either way, I wanna give a shout out to Goldstar for hooking us up with discounted tix. Seriously, I love them! Maybe I should work for them too...

Who Am I?

2009-09-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

My buddy Dave's parents are both social workers. As I have always had a fascination with Myers-Briggs, I asked him to hook me up with a stack of approved, legit tests. Voila! Of course, as soon as I received the link, I spent 90 minutes taking answering hundreds of questions.

Perhaps I view these as an opportunity to be someone I'm not. Maybe I dream that my personality will be cool and inventive and artistic and dreamy. Nope. Test after test, I am who I am. Yeah, kind of a drag. On the bright side, I suppose it's not a bad thing to be reliable and organized. Ah well, grain of salt they say.

Lasting Relationships

2009-09-01T00:27:00.000-07:00

Bubs and I had our 13-year anniversary last last Sunday (the day after my big work event). We had a lovely celebration. In the morning, I received another adorable puppy card (baby long-haired dachshund) to add to my collection. Then, we went for a swim and headed out to the city for Julie & Julia. Of course on the way there, a lunch pitstop at In N Out was in order. John recently finished a book about the history of In N Out. He said the family side of the story is actually rather sad, but the success of the business and its continuing commitment to quality? No convincing needed. John is easily a believer.

I have to say, the burger is delicious. But one recent lesson? 2 burgers + 2 fries for 2 people is too much. Like "food coma" too much. So next time, it's 2 burgers + splitting 1 order of fries. And the shake is totally out of the question. Unless it's consumed in moderation. Haha. Always need some kind of a loophole!

Anyhow, with our bellies beyond full, we headed into SF. Cruised around the mall (of course) for about 5 minutes. Truthfully, I'm starting to get sick of shopping. I mean, certainly one of the secrets to keeping my wardrobe current is that I shop-- or browse-- often. Gotta collect those data points, you know? But lately, the merchandise has just been crap. Like I go, spend 10 minutes and then fall totally out of the mood. I dunno what the deal is. At least it all worked out without much time to kill before the movie!

So Julie & Julia was wonderful. I really enjoyed it. I dunno what the critics were saying about the modern character, calling her a whiner and shit. Whatever. I'm sure had the character been male, that term would never have been applied. Whatever. Julie's this contemporary government bee doing the daily drill in a thankless job in an expensive city. I mean seriously, there are probably millions of people who can relate to this character! (not me though, I love my job, remember?) Regardless, the acting was superb (none of the usual bullshit, unconvincing eyecandy that's drowning the industry) and what a fascinating story between julia and paul child? How refreshing to see a beautiful, supportive, healthy partnership. And such constancy!

Which kinda gets me thinking...

of so many relationships that have changed over time. In general, as I've mentioned before, I don't really "break up" with people. Like I still maintain ties, albeit some looser than others, with my grade school classmates, my college friends, grad school peeps, first job coworkers, second job coworkers, Shanghai buds... if I really stop to think about it, that's a lot of contacts. I suppose I'm pretty decent at keeping in touch too: I remember numbers, dates, experiences; I put stuff in my calendar... but lately, I've been feeling like it's all too much. Maybe my mother was right. Maybe I do act a little desperate.

Maybe part of the problem is my long memory. I remember connections, no matter how far back they date, and I'm probably a little naive in my persistence. For example, how many times do I make yet another effort after many previous ones have gone unanswered. Haha, I'm not saying everyone should want to be my friend. It's not so elitist really. Rather, I think this is about letting go and moving on.

Remember the great moments of friendship but at some point, realize that the friendship was what it was: perhaps some were meant to last a moment or a season or a year (or two) or a lifetime. Learn to tell the difference, because ultimately, time is precious for all of us.

I have this tendency to follow up and check up and see how things are going. Maybe deep down, it's some way of drawing out an old fond memory. Maybe it's just a way to satisfy my "busy bee" nosiness. Whatever it is, I'm coming to see that all of this "keeping tabs" actually consumes energy, and though this may sound harsh, maybe this expenditure is not efficient or sensible. People are busy. I get that. In fact, I try to stay as busy as fucking possible, because I love seeing my Google calendar chock full of events. But again, time is finite, and I want to start spending my time in a way that really means something.

So now everyone is probably wondering: which relationships is she alluding to here? Who is she done with? Sure, there are some people who come to mind, but really this is a broader shift for me. This is me realizing that I'm going to stop trying so hard. Now sure, some things are worth fighting hard for... (John and I had a really difficult time last year but after hanging tough, we made it out of the woods). But not ALL things deserve that much effort. So that's where I am. No more me initiating calls, repeatedly calling, or coordinating get-togethers of people from back in the day. The day is now. I'm grateful for the wonderful friendships and experiences and connections in the past, but moving forward, friendship is mutual and perhaps not always constant.

Diseased

2009-08-25T22:54:00.001-07:00

Why do I always have skin issues? Last Saturday, at the work event, I managed to do something to my upper left arm and today (three days later), it still had a huge red rash. Paranoid that a deer tick might have biten me, I went to HR who referred me immediately to the medical clinic. Btw, what kind of doctor is totally stylin' in pinstripe slacks, elaborate dangly earrings, and sunglasses on the head? She was gorgeous! And no white coat or gloves?! Anyway, she didn't think the rash was caused by an insect bite but rather she suspected some kind of puncture wound that just got infected. Her answer? A large syringe with about 3 cc of antibiotics shot into my right ass check. That's right. Ass shot and it frickin hurt. Plus oral antibiotics plus antibiotic cream. Sounds like overkill to me, but what do I know? I just hope it goes away soon.

All Jumbled

2009-08-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

OMG, are you serious? Labor Day is right around the fucking corner? Well, it's been another busy month-- yeah, my main problem? I'm work-obsessed. Of course, I could be much worse, but I dunno, for some reason that part of the brain just never truly shuts off. My coworker who has seen web updates and work emails from me at all hours of the night, insists that I have a row of different colored light bulbs above my bed. Anytime I receive an email reporting some issue from a specific department, its corresponding light flashes and I immediately awake to handle the issue. Yup, my work is uber important. Like I said, saving lives over here.

The good news is I enjoy my work (still), so I guess that means I don't mind processing emails as I get them (rather than wait until office hours). Good thing, right? Anyway, August is a busy month at work. We just released our Annual Report newsletter, and I launched our 2nd annual photo contest. Also, we have some projects on fast track with the Goog as well as some upcoming video projects. Ugh, just so much to do. And because it's the web and people see cool web stuff all the damn time, I feel this extra pressure to keep having a wow factor. I know, not sustainable with a one-person web team but still.

I'm also continuing to make good contacts at work, which helps with moving projects along. I feel like all that social anxiety crap I worked through in Shanghai really paid off. I've developed some really helpful connections with contractors for work projects, so that makes things so much easier. Once I find the superstars, things aren't so bad. Although, I will say, my developers never seem to want to get paid. They cannot provide detailed invoices to save their lives. I have yet to figure out what that is about. Meanwhile, I continue doing what I do naturally-- I ride ass every few days. Eventually, they have to give in.

In other work-related news, we had our annual recognition event last Saturday. Every year our department organizes a huge party with pre-event activities, an awards program, gift baskets, catered food, booze... it's huge and very stressful and quite laborious. Anyway, it went really well, so big sigh of relief. On to the next gabillion events put on by my department (public affairs). Yes, putting on the ritz is actually exhausting.

Outside of work, John and I recently discovered that he should be able to qualify for unemployment, so that's wonderful news for us. We're doing really well with budgeting, but the extra money will give us a bit more breathing room. Seriously though, we're educated folks. Why didn't we know about unemployment before? Damn system. It's just like the taxes. When you don't know about stuff, you can really lose out. That's probably the reason my parents are always "suggesting" that I go to law school. Then, at least I'll be in the know.

John is doing well. He's been focusing the bulk of his energies on exercising (he's at his lowest weight since moving over here in 2006!), gardening, and cooking. He's intermittently programming, but it seems his true interests lie with food sourcing and cooking... we'll see what happens.

Btw, I realized the other day that I haven't cooked in like three months. Uh oh, becoming too dependent. Time to break out the Rachel Ray and Cooking Light. Can't get too soft you know.

Day Trip to Misty Point Reyes

2009-08-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

On my day off, we headed north to Point Reyes. Lots of open lands. John's camera even made a rare appearance outdoors. The main highlight? We saw lots of elk, including ones with massive antlers, but I was too obsessed watching John get closer and closer to the herd. I think he made all of us nervous. Anyway, Point Reyes is a nice and quiet place, but I'd recommend saving the trip for a hot summer day.

The Parents

2009-08-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

My parents were in town this past week... to be honest, I was kinda dreading the visit: we're not really known for getting along and under those circumstances, six days is a really long time. In the days before their arrival, I was innundated planning where to go, what to do, what to eat... John and I live in a 2 BR townhouse/rental where one room is the office. So, when the parents come over, that means we sleep on the foam mattress wedged between our two desks. I actually think sleeping on the floor is better for my back and I seem to sleep quite well, but John does not, especially without his usual mountain of pillows.

Anyway, the visit turned out much better than expected. For a few nights, John and I made dinner-- not fresh seafood like my parents typically eat, but whatever, I (and they) was just thankful my stuff was edible. Mind you, we still hit two Asian markets in six days, and they loaded up on stuff as if our fridge were totally barren but it all worked out.

We took them to various attractions in the area: Monterey Aquarium, Filoli House and Garden, Pulgas Water Temple, College of San Mateo Farmer's Market, SF Botanical Gardens, Conservatory of Flowers, SF Chinatown, Fisherman's Wharf... Thankfully, they are still in great shape, so we did a lot of walking without too much trouble. Also, the weather was beautiful and for every outing, I was uber prepared: I made sure to pack a lunch box full of water, fruit, and snacks. Plus, because of the drastic temperature differences in the area, I also packed extra jackets, umbrellas (for the sun), etc.

Before you know it, the visit was over. Not too shabby. In fact, I even think we could do it again! :)

Ushering for the Big Guns

2009-07-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

I quit ushering for the local community theater down the street from here. I had seen productions there in the past that I enjoyed, but for the most part, the caliber was really hit or miss. In the past few months, I had ushered 2-3 events, and my god, the volunteer experience was boring as hell, the other ushers were weird and not that social, and ultimately, the white top/black bottoms catering uniform drove me insane!! So I quit and instead decided to volunteer with the more upscale theater near my work.

They had some crazy 2-hour orientation even. And when I attended and saw so many blue-hairs, I grew skeptical that this would be a repeat crap experience. Last night, I dared to give it a try. Hey, at least the uniform was just all black (yes, much more doable). And turns out, there were a couple young people in my group. And the production? Fantastic. All I had to do was operate the bar code scanner gun (yup, really hard work) to zap the tickets before people entered the theater and then at the end, we just walked through the aisles picking up programs. Not hard at all and then I get to watch the show, whose tickets run about $45-50 pp! Not a bad deal.

Next month, they're having a new works festival. I'm going to usher a staged reading that's a psychological thriller... should be interesting to watch without the costumes, props, and stage dec. I just hope I don't get too creeped out!

San Luis Obispo and Hearst Castle

2009-07-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I drove down to San Luis Obispo to meet up with my friend's mother. I honestly cannot remember the last time I drove alone in a vehicle for more than 3 hours. The last time I did that was probably grad school. I know, I really need to get out more, right?

So anyway, my friend's mom had flown out to Los Angeles a few days earlier to visit friends. She drove up to meet me halfway. We stayed at a delightful B&B on the main drag, and the next day we went to Hearst Castle. San Luis Obispo itself was a very cute little college town, but so many of those small towns heading south start to blend into one another. Still, regardless, you gotta love the California weather. It's so beautiful out here. The dryness plus the sunshine makes traveling/driving/outdoor activities so much better! It really is amazing what a difference the sun makes.

The next day, we woke up, had a terrific breakfast at the B&B, and then headed out early. Hearst Castle in San Simeon was awesome. I guess for the last 50 years, HC has been managed and operated by California State Parks. We grabbed a tour, and boy, docent was excellent-- well versed, engaging, and knowledgeable. The tour was pricey at $24 pp but totally worth it, even if the house interiors are grossly extravagant. Interestingly, William R. Hearst was an uber micro-manager. Dunno how he juggled publishing, movie producing, and construction/design but he did. Gotta give props. Seriously, who are these people?

Session 4: Graduation

2009-07-15T21:58:00.000-07:00

Haha, well looks like I've graduated from therapy again. Yup, only took four sessions, not that I was averse to continuing, but she just ran out of stuff for me. Partly, I was finally just calm, meaning I wasn't flipping out about my expectation hangovers or whatever, and I had settled on the status quo for the whole boss fiasco. Whatever. I just need to chill, so that's what I did. And then suddenly, it seemed there wasn't much more to discuss. So the door is always open she says, but oddly, I feel ok for now... which reminds me: I'm supposed to fill out some feedback card and mail it in.

In other news, this month has been extremely busy at work. We're having our huge annual event at the end of August, so I've been gathering quotes for catering and such. Negotiated an awesome deal with last year's vendors. I think I'm getting the hang of the negotiations game... they only increased the price by $1pp plus I got them to throw in a bunch of other free stuff. Cool deal, because honestly, without the concessions, we would have had to go elsewhere I'm sure. Budgets are tight this year for sure!

The weekends this month have been packed as well. Two weekends ago, my friend had a puppy bday party, which was totally fun. My friend is a super star decorator, so of course her backyard was an absolute doggie paradise with a mini pool and jumping hoop. Nine dogs total and it was a blast, except that it seems wherever Martin goes, there's always one male dog that loves to lick his area. Yup, poor Marty never gets rest.

Session 3

2009-07-08T18:39:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I just got home from session 3, and goddamnit, I'm starting to hate this bullshit. Seriously, this is the third time I've left that place feeling worse than when I entered. I mean, who the hell thought up 50-minute sessions? Cannot accomplish shit in that amount of time. I'm so frustrated, I think I'm going to drop the whole thing.

I mean, I just feel like we're moving at a snail's pace. Granted, how much can you really know a person after three meetings but jesus, how to scoot this thing along? I mean, shouldn't she get homework or something? Like maybe I should just send her my blog, and she can read up and get a better sense of what I'm thinking. Because honestly, is this arrangement really fair to me or to her? We need "office hours" in addition to class time.

So today the discussion deviated from the previous ones, because frankly, I haven't been focusing on my issues recently. For one, I haven't been going to open mics or theater performances so in a way, I've saved myself from the usual inadequacy triggers. But whatever, I've just started to get back into my activities and not worry so much about achieving for now.

So today I wanted to talk about this whole recent theme of disturbing news... and what does she say? First off, it would be highly unwise and inappropriate of me to broach these allegations with my manager. Her argument is that I don't really know what happened. And either way, the damage has already been done to his reputation and to my level of respect for him. My argument is that if indeed the stories are true, his reckless, harmful behavior continues to wreak havoc on unsuspecting women and overlooking it is again just another way of letting people get away with shit... where is the accountability for their actions?

So then what does she suggest? She says to investigate deeper to see WHY I'm getting so worked up about these stories of sexual misdeeds (because I brought up the Duke story and Michael Jackson too). What the hell does she want me to say? I feel like she's digging for some hidden secret, like I was molested as a child or raped as a teen. She asks why I'm not outraged about global warming or suicide bombers. Wtf? Believe me sister, I get worked up about a lot of things. Does she want me to put ALL of it on the table? Is it not enough to say that I am feminist, and violence against women (much of which is sexual) is closely linked to sexual discrimination and inequality? So annoyed.

And just because I'm childless, does that mean I should NOT be outraged by sex abuse of children? Fuck it, man. Who makes ANY progress with therapy? Jesus, I go into it believing/wanting it to work but in the end, it's just like going around in circles. John says the only experts I actually have luck with are doctors. The others? I always think they'll guide me to the light but more often than not, they just don't seem to "get" me.

Conclusion? Status quo: proceed as usual and hope to god, women using online dating site are doing their due diligence researching their potential dates. Come on, people. GOOOGLE!!

Duplicity

2009-07-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

The themes of duplicity and reprehensible sexual behavior continue this week... all this recent news of deception is causing me to doubt people with whom I interact even on a regular basis. Call it paranoia, street smart, skepticism, cynicism, misanthropy... however you want to term it, it's causing me distress.

Last week, I dreamed that someone tried to rape me. To save myself some such an unfortunate incident, I busted myself out of a vehicle (moving at highway speeds) and rolled off to the side of the road. Then there was another dream about child abuse... thankfully, I can't even remember the details. I don't know what caused me to Google my manager's name again, but I did last night.

My friend Pamela says I was "nosing" around for dirt. If you recall, I had innocently Googled him before, like a day or two after starting the new kickass job, and then I was unpleasantly surprised. What prompted me to search again last night? I don't really know. Perhaps I had hoped to find the comments thread silent, and that would suggest his earlier reckless behavior had stopped. The original post had referred to incidents in 2004. A couple of people in the years following corroborated the claims, citing similar experiences. Then a post in 2008. Last night, unfortunately, there was a new comment, posted just last month with a link to a new site, Don't Date Him Girl. The new site contained tons more information: detailed biographical information, place of employment, place of residence, current partner, etc. But mostly what bothered me-- even more than the breach of trust with his relationship-- was the careless, dangerous behavior. Seriously, multiple partners, no protection. And what I started to see was selfish and misogynistic conduct.

So today, we had our bi-weekly one-on-one, and again, I could not focus. In the back of my mind, I felt distrustful, suspicious. Now to be clear, he has never acted inappropriately towards me. I have noticed random absences during the work day, zippo details about the weekends (he never seems to do anything), various past travel stories with "an ex." Nothing blatant. And his demeanor really comes across so harmless, and yet I can't drop this other set of knowledge.

Today I called my girlfriend to discuss. Like John, she wondered why I searched out this information. In my defense, I felt like my action was motivated by a desire to squelch the uneasiness, to hope for the end of a hedonistic era. Or maybe my search was an act of self-sabotage. Nearly two years later, I still love my job and now I look for ways to torment myself with this hypocrisy. Am I too gullible? Is this just a matter of a few scorned lovers? Again, I don't like to doubt women's stories. Society dismisses them all too easily as is.

At the end of the conversation, my friend and I agreed that his actions seem to depict an illness, like alcoholism or addiction. So here's my dilemma. He's a great boss, the best I've ever had. Not perfect (in terms of professional leadership and development) but still, the best of the lot. I have had no issues with him professionally or through our own interactions. However, if the postings are to be believed, I would say his actions are misogynistic. So how do I, as a feminist, reconcile that he is fine to me personally, but awful to so many other women? I mean, this is an extreme example, but isn't it like the Germans and other Europeans who disagreed with the Nazis but didn't actively resist/rebel? Is this really just a case of compartmentalizing the professional and personal personas? It drives me nuts that these two personas are so contradictory. Ugh. I know, I am such a black/white kind of person. That's why I'm not made for the complexities of this world!

So, what can be done? If indeed this is a kind of illness, perhaps I need to offer help or intervene? And how would this be done exactly? Do I risk losing my job? Do I quit? I am well aware that people think I'm getting worked up for nothing. But I am serious. Option 1 is to act like I don't know and proceed as usual. After all, the job is kickass. But honestly, a part of me feels like I'm condoning the mistreatment of women by feigning ignorance.

And then where do I stand on rehabilitation? If he is sick, who has offered to help? Goddamnit, the naive side of me wants to believe that everyone is good, that people are bad because they are sick. And then I read stories like those about abusive priests and that fucking Duke official, and I want them all to die-- screw second chances and reform. And really, why do I torture myself so? Why can't I just focus on learning my fucking bboy moves and just get on with shit. I mean, I'm already in goddamn therapy for my own issues and now I have to climb into everyone else's shit.

So what's the conclusion for tonight? This is one for the big guns. Thank goodness therapy session 3 is tomorrow. I shall ask the expert, and perhaps she will have a brilliant strategy. Fingers crossed.

Children

2009-07-05T22:31:00.000-07:00

So here's the deal I have with all the hoopla surrounding Michael Jackson's death. Everyone is freaking out about the passing of a legend, a pioneer, an innovator, blah, blah, blah. Sure, no one is denying his impact on music. Me? I was never much of a fan... Thriller didn't like change my insular pre-teen/teenie-bopper world. In fact, the video creeped me out, but whatever. My issue is: do all these people think he's innocent of child molestation? I mean, yeah, he was acquitted on all charges, but is his verdict the same as the OJ case? You know, where the jury said he was innocent but everyone really thought he was guilty? Because I just cannot get my hands around the idea of celebrating his contribution... I can't help but feel that all this ruckus only downplays his crime. I mean, if these people think he's innocent, fine. Mourn away. Obviously, I think he's guilty, so to me, his death makes one less child molester. Look, Neverland Ranch had way too many secret rooms and secret doors and secret locks-- is all that "privacy" really necessary? And what of the child who described MJ's birthmark in a very private area? Admittedly, I didn't follow all the details of the case, so maybe I'm just ignorant, but from the limited details I did read, my gut is very unsettled.

I'm not saying we should be revisionists and deny his talent and professional contribution but please, don't dismiss the very serious consequences of child abuse.

Speaking of child abuse, have you seen the story about the Duke University associate director of the center for health policy? Busted for pimping out his 5-year old adopted black son. This story has thrown me in an absolute tizzy the last week. I am just so disgusted and angry on so many levels. First, the deception. I mean, the dude is a licensed social worker who studied health disparities!! He's supposed to be one of the good guys, doing work to end inequalities and injustice. He and his partner adopted two black babies and oh god, the details are just too much. He himself abused the child on numerous occasions, and he was sharing details on whatever deviant online community... meanwhile, during the day, he's like teaching a course on disparities in healthcare or whatever.

And where was this story in the mainstream media? I first saw it on AP, but there were like zippo details. I had to go to the fucking News and Observer for crissakes. So the other crinkle is that he's gay. And of course the mainstream media doesn't want to give ammo to the psycho conservatives who will then insist that gay partnerships foster this kind of behavior... but I mean, this is a big story! And I am still so freaked out about it, because you just never REALLY know people. It's a shame. Seriously, how can you have children in a world like this? Who is watching your kids? And have you met people who have been abused? They get all fucked up. Big time. This is no games.

I mean, my friend pointed out there's all this outrage over Bernie Madoff. Where's the fucking outrage against perpetrators of violent crimes and sexual crimes? Honestly, Madoff gets 150 years in prison. Yeah, it was a LOT of money but it's money, and come on, 10-12 percent returns every fucking year for the entire history? Hello??!! Meanwhile, a rapist gets like max 7 years. This Duke dude, if convicted, will get like 25 years. Ugh. This world is crazy!!

Sometimes I just want it to be over. Global warming, nuclear war, whatever. We're too fucked up. Just blast ourselves away already.

My parents have always struck me as being a little on the paranoid side, but when I read/hear about stories like this, I feel angry and scared and hopeless and depressed as hell. What is this world we have created.

Foster City Fireworks

2009-07-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

Who knew so many people lived in our community? The park was jam packed.

Session 2

2009-07-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

So I had my second therapy session two days after my recovery from the stomach virus. The therapist had read my historical write-up, and I think she gained a better sense of the pressures I felt at a very young age. Only two weeks had passed since our first meeting, but I was in a more stable condition this time. Perhaps my body had already been exhausted by the fever and sickness, and I was just happy to be nearly back to normal.

I could tell from her questioning though, that maybe she didn't really know what I was hoping to get out of therapy. As if I had already known what I needed to do... In part, I suppose I want a place to talk out loud about my insecurities and then I want a "reasonable" plan for working/striving towards things I want to accomplish. Finally, I'd like some kind of coping mechanism for me to not freak out or get frustrate during the process of this "reasonable" plan. Does that even make sense? Like I want to try to be ok with things but not be complacent.

Interestingly, she asked me "what are your two most important values?" It's a good question I had never really considered. My answer? As contradictory as they seem: independence and dependence. In other words, independence in the form of self-sufficiency and self-reliance, and dependence in the sense that love and friendship is so much about taking a leap of faith and trusting and relying on someone else. And so I find myself full of these kinds of opposing thoughts and feelings. Like I believe John and I have something very special, but I don't walk around everyday declaring with full certainty that we will be together forever. We have a strong and I would say very balanced partnership, but I have always maintained my own bank account in addition to our joint account (he opts not to have his own account). Life is full of the unexpected and as much as I think I can rely on people I love, I only ever know myself the best. It's funny. When I say these things, I feel a bit of paranoia, a la my parents, but you know what? Things can change, just. like. that. I value flexibility and versatility, because I want to survive change. I want to be adaptable.

My maternal grandmother lived a life of luxury as a child-- she had the finest things, then one day, their home was bombed and just like that, her comfortable, secure life vanished. I look at my mother, and I see how much she depends on my father. He manages so many things-- finances, health insurance, rental properties, travel, transportation... and I wonder what she will do when he passes. It's a scary thing to see, really. Anyway, it's yet another contradiction I have. I develop my skills to be versatile and then I criticize myself for not being an expert/specialist.

I know, the book I'm reading says to just stop. To stop beating myself up. That's the answer. I'm ok with myself most of the time. I just have a fear of stagnation. At the end of my session, the therapist said... well, it looks like you have to have plans because your self-worth is tied closely with the things you cross off your list. So have that list, make a plan for things you want to get done, but just be sure to "enjoy your day." Blah, blah, blah, but enjoy your day. I mean, I don't necessarily think that I DON'T enjoy my day (that's why I'm a dabbler in the first place), but I suppose I can see what she's saying.

My conclusion (yes, I'm finally getting to it)? I'm going to just continue doing activities that I want to do, and just try not to demand becoming an expert at them. I'm doing them for the sake of just doing them, and whatever progress I make, so be it. So I'm going back to scouting out my activities... Session 3 is this week. We'll see how it shows.

In other news, last week I attended volunteer orientation for a theater near my work-- it's a small theater but way more prestigious and cutting-edge than the one near home where I've been volunteering. In fact, TheatreWorks is doing a New Works Festival this summer with staged readings of new plays and pieces in development. Orientation was a huge disappointment, because I always go into these things thinking they are wonderful opportunities to meet new people with similar passions, but invariably the volunteers turn out to be the worst people-- grouchy blue-hairs who are so SLOW, they have a billion questions, AND they're really cranky/particular/anal/inflexible!! In the entire auditorium, I was like the only person in the 20-40 demographic. Ugh. Then again, I guess retirees do comprise the majority of volunteers. I dunno. Oh well, guess it's just for intellectual stimulation, not for social interaction. Shrug.

Saved by an Angel

2009-06-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

I promised Bubs that this post would be aptly named... yes, he was my angel because leave it to me to end an awesome 5-day vacation with a stomach virus that would render me utterly useless on a 12-plus hour journey home. Yes, we only went to Jersey and yet, I think it's easier to travel to Shanghai, China than to New Brunswick.

Seriously, this trip was straight out of the movie Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. First, we flew into JFK. I had researched an awesome hotel for our stay-- located in the Flatiron district, just south of Times Square. My college roommate took the train up from DC, so the three of us met up and hung out for three days in our new metropolitan playground. NYC was cool, much better than I remember. We traveled all about, mostly by foot, sometimes by subway. I had forgotten what a truly populated city was really like. Sure, the city is dirty and ugly and muggy but there's so much going on. I can see now why people who have lived there get bored out of their minds after they move away. Anyway, lots of good sights and good eats, including delicious pizza and superb Reuben sandwiches.

On Saturday, we headed down to New Brunswick. It was actually just a 50-minute train ride down. Where I went wrong was with the car rental. Rent-A-Wreck was the only rental shop open past noon on Saturday. When we got to town, the weather was shit: pouring rain. We got into a cab (apparently, cabbies in Jersey do not help with your luggage) and gave the address for RAW. Google Maps by the way, totally failed us. The cabbie got on the highway traveling south. We're like, "Uh, the rental car place should be walking distance from here." Back and forth... finally, we realized Google Maps was wrong, and the place was like 15 minutes away. Then we showed up, the office was in some junky, dingy basement. We got the keys to a Ford Focus. From the outside, the car was all banged up. Once we got inside, there were exposed wires, the parking brake was like pulled out of the socket, there were missing components on the dash, cigarette burns on the seats, totally nasty. Then we couldn't get the trunk open. After fidgeting with it in the rain, I got them to upgrade us to the Ford Taurus-- an equally certified hoopdee with replacement side panels that weren't even the same body color! When John opened the trunk, he about knocked over-- he swore he got a whiff of "dead body." The car was filthy.

So then I was all troubled. John and my friend were like, "Hello, it's called Rent-A-Wreck." Yeah, but for some reason, I had interpreted that to mean a place that rented construction/demo/wrecking equipment in addition to normal cars. Anyway, that boat was a total jalopy, and it seriously had the grossest odor.

Thankfully, our hotel in Jersey was nice. The wedding on Sunday was beautiful. My Chinese reading went well. The bride's mom came up to me afterwards with nice things to say so that was a relief. The wedding really was lovely.

It's a shame my stomach started going crazy with the gurgling and the gas at the dinner table. The place only had one bathroom, and I was in that line most of the night. By the time the party was over, it started raining again. Nothing like feeling nauseous, getting drenched, getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, and then climbing into a nasty, smelly, sticky car. By the time we got back to the hotel, I had the shakes big time, I couldn't talk, and I was doubled over in cramps. I missed the after party and the morning breakfast.

On Monday, I was still super weak: nausea, headache, fever, chills. I felt like I was going through some addiction withdrawal. Then we had to backtrack to JFK: return rental car, cab to NJ station (the cabbie was on his cell phone, adding more minutes to his plan, writing on a notepad, and steering with his elbows all at the same time!!), train to Penn Station, train to Jamaica Station, AirTrain to terminal 4. And that was just to get to the gate! Then, 5 1/2-hour flight, shuttle bus to long-term parking, car to In-N-Out to home. Yeah, in retrospect a cheeseburger probably wasn't the best thing to consume on a sensitive stomach...

When I awoke Tuesday morning, I was convinced I had contracted H1N1. Finally, we decided to see the doctor. She said stomach virus. Cause? Could be anything: touching someone else who was infected who didn't wash his/her hands, eating contaminated food, an infected person sneezing/coughing on me, etc. She did say though, a cheeseburger was not the best choice for a sensitive stomach (but it smelled so good!). Yeah, apparently everyone else has the common sense I was lacking: chicken, rice, clear liquids.

When I got home, we read about the stomach virus further, and one of the most common ways of getting sick is FECAL-ORAL contact at some stage-- whether it's food prepped by someone who didn't wash hands after going to the bathroom or whatever... and then I got really grossed out. Ugh, I can feel the nauseas returning just thinking about it.

John showed me some chapter in Alton Brown's book on sanitation. On Wednesday, while I was at work, he disinfected the whole kitchen, tossed the sponges, soaked stuff in diluted bleach. The house was spotless. Haha, now I see Mr. Belvedere can really be full service if you gross him out enough about sanitation.

My body is still not 100% but thankfully, the weekend is here again. Plenty of R&R the next two days. And I'm already thinking about my next couple meals. Haha, it's going to take more than a bout with the stomach bug to shut us foodies down!

Feeling Better

2009-06-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful weekend, and I'm feeling much better. The weather this weekend was awesome: I hit the pool every single day and well, it goes without saying that exercise does wonders keeping depression at bay. Of course, it also helped that my re-entry into baking resulted in a delicious loaf of banana chocolate bread. Haha, the bread was a success (despite my recipe tweaks), and I even earned Bub's stamp of approval.

I'm also getting excited about our upcoming trip. I have the entire 3-stanza poem memorized for the wedding. I'm still a tad shaky on the last stanza, but I'll smooth it out before next Sunday. I'm also ready to go with her makeup application. We did 3-4 dry-runs, so I'm optimistic she'll look glowing and natural. I need to start packing too. Psyched about getting dressed up; just hope my shoes are totally broken in by then and I hope I remember everything!

This past Saturday, John and I toured about Mountain View, which is near my work. We drove by a few rental communities. Most places in my ideal price range ended up being freakishly reminiscent of the old and creepy GatorWoods Apartments in Gainesville, Florida, so I'm thinking we'll end up somewhere in between my ideal price and our current rent. We did find one community that was decent... but we'll see. We really prefer to rent from a private homeowner rather than an apartment community. We've certainly had our fill of shitty management.

I do like the possibility of going home for lunch and/or biking to work. Plus, I like MV-- it has a nice vibe.

On the down side, I would still miss our current place: awesome, empty pool and hot tub, small yard for the pups, quiet neighbors. Argh, housing is such a goddamn gamble. Well, we'll see what my superstar realtor digs up.

This summer is shaping up to be a busy one. Originally, I was feeling rather bummed about having an uneventful, boring summer with limited travel and such, but as it turns out, we'll be getting visitors. My good friend's mom will be in LA next month, so we'll meet up half way-- maybe check out San Luis Obispo for a day or two. Then, my parents told me today that they would like to visit at the end of July. What a relief, because I hate going back to Maryland. So boring. In August, my dear friend in Shanghai will visit the US for the first time ever. Will be great to see her and maybe show her around a bit.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Focus on the immediate. Upcoming trips. Swimming, dancing, baking sweets.

Maybe I'll watch a movie on Netflix tonight. Anything to replace the depressing story of Revolutionary Road. God, anyone watch that? I totally identified with their disillusionment... we felt that way before we moved to China. Thank goodness we up and left. Was totally the right move for us. So weird to think that people's reactions to our decision didn't really differ much from people's reactions in the film (and what decade was it, the 1950s?? 1960s??). We got the same shit, like, "Can't you be happy here? This is what life is-- mundane. What are you running from?" Whatev.

Will Six Sessions Be Enough?

2009-06-11T23:00:00.000-07:00

So I had my first session today. Unlike the couples counselor we saw last year, this therapist came off perfectly normal. I mean, Birkenstocks again (we do have that in common), but her personality didn't seem the least bit weird or off. That was refreshing.

Thankfully also, the session wasn't hogged up answering registration/in-patient-type questionnaires. I completed a 2-page form and into the discussion we went. It was weird explaining why I was there... there's so much context and background that one statement requires some historical reflection which in turn requires another... it's like I might as well have just start from the VERY beginning, right? I dunno. I'm sure I rambled. I talked about my brother. She suggested his behavior was a form of rebellion for all the pressures my parents exerted on him... I disagreed. I considered his behavior simply a selfish sense of entitlement. To this day, he thinks my parents owe him the good life. Anyway, a lot came out (including tears) and just like that, time was up. At the end, I was so frustrated. I think that's what I hate most about these sessions: the time constraint. I mean, if allowed to just get it all out, the meeting could be so much more productive. Seriously, today's session barely scratched the surface and at the end of it, she asked if I was interested in continuing. Well duh, I've barely even started. Am I supposed to know whether this is helpful just from 50 minutes? Obviously, I can't really get a sense until we're farther along... Whatever. Procedures.

Afterwards, on the drive home, I replayed the dialog over and over in my head. I worry that I didn't articulate my thoughts well enough, or that stuff just came across all unorganized and disjointed and flat-out wrong. I told her I had prepared that document. I left it for her to read. But it bothers me that some statements I said today seemed contradictory. And in retrospect, I want to clarify. By the time I got home, I was mentally exhausted but I couldn't stop thinking about my predicament.

When John got home, I was already in bed. I felt worse than before the session. After the session was over, I had asked if she had any exercises or things she wanted me to work on. Looking down at my 20-something Manifesto book, she said, "Well, it looks like you've already begun working on things." I guess, but come on, I only have six free sessions, I need progress... fast! I know, aren't I an impatient beotch?

So yeah, I felt worse when I got home. John arrived and was like, what happened? After talking to him, I started to gain some clarity. Here's my deal. I have this internal gauge where I measure my self-worth based on where I fall in the bell curve. As John explains it, it's all about percentiles. I don't need to be THE best. I know my limits. For example, even though I admire the courage and selflessness of say, abortion doctors (Dr. Tiller) and humanitarian aid workers and even though I sometimes wish I possessed their intense sense of purpose and mission, I also know that I am unwilling to compromise my safety and security. I'm unwilling to place myself in impoverished conditions and in conflict areas to meet a mission. That's fine. Yet when I meet, a young talented performer or poet or musician, I'm enthralled. Initially, that captivation serves as inspiration. A small part of me believes that with enough effort, perhaps I too can accomplish something great like that. I yearn to join this "league," to be of comparable caliber. I don't want to be better than them, but I want to be in their company. Around that percentile, see? To me, accomplishments that place people in those percentiles are what I consider success. So I feel this urgency about life (it passes so quickly), like I've been treading water for the longest time, and how will I ever get to that level? I don't even think the achievements are for my parents or for others. I'm sure they started out that way, but by now, they are for myself, a sort of validation that all their and my resources, emotional investment, etc. was not wasted on a life with so little to show for.

I'm a strange bird indeed. Consider my hip hop dance class. I practiced a lot. My friends asked if I was learning hip hop dancing so I could go out clubbing. Nope. I just wanted to learn it to dance around at home by myself. It's like a challenge or a test. I see something cool, and I think that I would like to do it, then I try to do it but it's like a closed circuit. Because it's not like I'm showing anyone.

So perhaps John is right: I'm finding too many things I want to tackle, and maybe I just need to focus on one or two activities. I have to say, John was a wonderful therapist for me this evening. I'm feeling better already.

To close, here are some quotes from the manifesto that speak to me:

"One of the hardest parts of being a twenty something is feeling that you need to achieve it all-- whatever 'all' may be. It's a feeling of urgency, like you need to achieve in every area of 'life' -- career, marriage, family, money. All the while being happy and content. It's a feeling of great pressure -- that if you don't work it all out now, you are setting yourself up for a fall in your thirties."

"The most difficult thing about being a twenty something is that even with all your plans, there are no guarantees. You are not guaranteed a job after college, you are not guaranteed friends if you move to a new place, you are not guaranteed a passionate career, you are not guaranteed a loving partner. You have to go out and create all this or at least hold the thought that it will all happen"

"If you asked me when I was six where I'd be at almost twenty-six, I would have told you that I would be a graduate of medical school, with a home, a husband, 2.5 kids, and a dog. So far, only the dog part has worked out."

"An Expectation Hangover about my job and relationships led to a short temper and some physical manifestations of my stress. Not wanting to be too angry at work or the people I love, I internalized the anger and it lead to insomnia, constant heartburn, and a depressed immune system that left me constantly sick. I spent a year worrying about why I wasn't where I was 'supposed' to be and frantically trying to get there."

"I learned that the most stressful thing in my life was my tenacity at holding on to all the 'shoulds' in my life. Shoulds only matter if you're considering other people's standards and milestones. I decided it was important to live by my own timeline and gave myself permission to go at my own speed. Life is a wonderful, mysterious process, and my only expectation these days is that everything will unfold as it should. My job is to be true to myself and work at the things I know will make me happy. Everything else will work out around me."

Next session is June 24. Who knows what will happen from now until then.

Big Day Tomorrow

2009-06-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

So you know how I'd been feeling a bit lethargic lately? I was convinced that something was not right, because I was sleeping in on the weekends (god forbid), taking a sick day every quarter, and just feeling tired. So I went to see an FP physician. It had actually been a while since my last visit to an FP, so I opted for the works: tetanus, TB, full blood work. When I reviewed the lab results online, the LDL (bad cholesterol) and total cholesterol were flagged as high or borderline high. I about shit a brick. I mean, seriously, I'm exercising 4-5 times/week, normal BMI, blah, blah, wtf right? So I already start jumping to conclusions and then my doctor friend and my doctor both email me to chill the fuck out. The other numbers and ratios are fine so the verdict? Proceed as usual. Haha, thank goodness. I was about ready to go on the cereal diet and swap over to all that bullshit skim/soy crap. No need now: Bubs and I can remain purists. We like the real budda!

I have been suffering from insomnia again lately. My doctor suggested taking a vitamin B multi at night to calm the nerves (so I will sleep through the night) and CQ10 throughout the day to boost my energy. Guess I'll give it a try. Anything for superpowers, right?

What else. Oh yes, tomorrow's the big day with the therapist to discuss my personal "issues." On my drive home this evening, I started to feel nervous about it. Like how is she going to get to know me? And will my history be relevant, or is this strictly from here on out sort of thing? I do want to clarify something though. All this whatever you call it, expectation hangover, I'm experiencing... I'm not saying that I deserve the best of everything. I know that life is unfair, and just because I work/try for something doesn't mean what I want is guaranteed. I get that. But that doesn't stop me from wanting it and from trying for it. Because really, where's the line between accepting the situation as is and achieving the desired outcome?

For example, a lady at work wants to have a child. She and her husband have been trying for years: this, that, treatment this, treatment that, time, money, energy, physical stresses, emotions. At what point should she simply accept that this is the hand she is dealt? I look at her situation and quickly think to myself, "Enough already." But then I apply the situation to something that I can identify with. I wanted a job (different from the fuel cell startup) with heart, the opportunity to learn new things, and some stability. I searched and searched. I thought I would be stuck in that miserable predicament forever. Other opps came around but they didn't really appeal to me. I could have stopped and taken that job at Stanford. But for whatever reason, I held on, hoping and believing there would be something better and more suitable. And fortunately, in the end, I was right.

What's that quote though, "it's not about the destination; it's about the journey." True except that I'm drawn to the whole "results-oriented" thing. Ugh, I'm getting a headache.

Anyway, I have compiled a document for my session tomorrow. Just quick background about my path, some known issues, and then a description of my personality. Haha, this could get interesting.

Productive Day Off

2009-06-08T16:26:00.000-07:00

I'm another year older today. Luckily, my birthday matched up with my Monday off from work, so I enjoyed an extra day to my celebratory weekend. Not that I had a party or anything. John was called into the city for WWDC (I'm told that I'm getting upgraded to his 3G iPhone soon). But that was ok with me. I got to do all that I had planned for today: I slept in, rollerbladed with the pups, swam, sunbathed, poked around the computer, cleaned the house, went shopping (scored some cheap finds at Marshalls!!), chatted with some friends over the phone. All in all, a full day.

I'm feeling better about my issues. John got me this book from the library called the 20-something Manifesto. Yeah, I'm no longer in my 20s, but it's an interesting book that identifies the feelings of disappointment, expectation, anxiety that I experience. I think again, it's yet another example of how so many human experiences are shared, no matter how individual/unique we think we are.

So even though I don't generally read books, I'm at least skimming through this one in hopes that it will help me progress from my current pathetic state. Ironically, on my birthday, I also booked an appointment with a therapist. I figure the book coupled with a professional's help should kick my ass back into high gear.

In other news, my friend's wedding in Jersey is coming up soon. I am diligently practicing the Chinese poem I will recite at the event. Pretty soon I'll be able to say it in my sleep. Honestly, it's been a good exercise for me and my mother. She eats that language translation stuff up, and I get to practice my pinyin input on the computer. So glad that system allows me to bypass writing Chinese characters by hand.

Well hopefully by now Bub has caught the last bus home. Last time I was in SF for a conference, that damn bus blew right by me while I stood there at the designated stop. Had to wait another 20 minutes for the next one. If that happens to Bubs, you can be sure he's cabbing it home. He's not a public transit kinda guy.

Fun Weekend

2009-06-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I can't believe the weekend is over already. Friday night, we went with some friends to see Killing My Lobster, a sketch comedy group in SF. Show was hilarious. We had a great time and followed up grabbing some nosh at a local gastropub, where food was tasty albeit tiny (tapas). On Saturday, the weather was beautiful. John and I hit the pool (the only ones there, once again!) and ran some errands. In the evening, we watched The Namesake, a wonderful film about the first-generation Indian-American experience (and the experience of the immigrant parents). I think the director is the same woman who did Monsoon Wedding. Very nicely done.

This morning started off with a new recipe (ChefMD.com) involving raisins, soy milk, old-fashioned oats, and fresh mangoes. Delish. Then we headed into the city to register for the WWDC conference, which John is attending this week. I did a bit of shopping- scored a nice v-neck sweater from BR for $5 after all my coupons and discounts. I'm turning into quite the BR follower. Yes, so unoriginal but whatev, I like their colors and cuts. Works out ok for me.

I'm happy to be off tomorrow. The weather's supposed to be perfect for me day!

I Need Help

2009-06-01T23:54:00.001-07:00

Once again, I find myself struggling to ward off what seems to be the inevitable. Am I amidst yet another "mid-life" crisis? God, feels like I've been through so many already. By now, I should more aptly be in a near "end-life" crisis if anything. But no, I'm exactly one week away from turning another year older and despite having successful stretches of good feelings, I predictably return to this point of dissatisfaction. I've discussed it before, and by now, you are certainly sick of the same old drill. What is this thing I am chasing, right?

Only three years ago, I swore that all I wanted was clear skin. If somehow the world order would grant me this, I vowed to be happy forever. Through endless bizarre diets and medications and obsessive compulsive web research, I ultimately found the answer and received what I most desired. And now my greedy-ass self has moved on to the next demand. At what point is this just a moving target for continual self improvement? At what point is it an emotionally destructive game of self denigration?

I went to the open mic again tonight. The same one I attended last week where I was so moved and touched by the words of a young writer/poet. He performed again today and was just amazing. So fucking brilliant, and I can't help but feel disappointment with myself. I am an entire decade older and what talent have I? Who is my audience? Whose praise do I seek? Honestly, I think it is my own. I see so much beauty and intelligence and wit and talent around me-- in people I know, in people I don't know. And while I am relieved to have this freedom from the physical disfigurement I once suffered, and I'm happy about engaging in exercise activities I enjoy, I often feel such sadness that my life is wasted without any significant movement. So much greatness, so much brilliance around me and I... I feel so ordinary. I admire so many people, but I see so little to admire in myself.

I know this sounds ridiculous. My body even agrees because every time I feel this disappointment, my body does this laugh-cry reaction. The world is falling apart, and I choose not to appreciate what I have but to instead dwell on this insatiable search for whatever thing I can't even describe. It's stupid. Maybe part of it is that I do appreciate my good fortune, and that's even more reason why I feel something about me should be extraordinary, because I have received so much in this life. How do I convert the good input into good output? Ugh, too much time on my hands. If I spent these agonizing hours learning Spanish or dancing hip hop/bboy or cooking or learning software, then perhaps I would be something more. I don't know, but to be nearly 33 and still be haunted by these demons, I just don't even know what to say.

And so I've decided to seek help. I'm always touting all my employee benefits... I might as well try out the therapy services. I'm not ashamed: I just worry about articulating these feelings in any sensible way such that someone can actually help me. I shall call first thing in the morning. I need to stop running around in circles.

Peculiar Thing 2

2009-05-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

The latest Cary Tennis Since You Asked column entitled "Hot for Married Coworker" made me chuckle.

Camping in Big Sur

2009-05-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

John and I went camping last Monday down in Big Sur. Is it just me, or do all the beaches around here look the same? Seriously, I felt like we could have been in Mendocino or Half Moon Bay or down in Santa Cruz. Yeah, it was beautiful, but I'm not convinced camping is all it's cracked up to be. I'm cool to go hiking, but at the end of the day, what beats a long soak in the hot tub and a cozy sleep in my own bed?

Yeah, yeah, it's the experience of getting away from it all. Must the escape be so extreme? I mean, no cell reception AND no wifi? Why isn't it sufficient to just sunbathe on your patio, or lie out in the park? I just don't get it. And what exactly are you escaping? Is life so bad that you need to head out to the quasi-wilderness only to recreate the creature comforts of your abode? If it's just a vacation, fine. I get it. I get the desire to change your scenery, to see new things. But in my own defense, I get a lot of fucking enjoyment from being connected, from reading blogs and twitter feeds and whatever. I don't find a need to pretend like I'm a settler moving west for Manifest Destiny. Ah well, as my coworker explained, camping's not for everyone.

I should mention a few things too about our campgrounds. Most public campgrounds do not allow dogs, so thank goodness we found a private campground with luxurious amenities like hot water, shower facilities, and toilets. Yes, it was pretty much car camping at Big Sur Campgrounds, but hey if you're not an uber purist, this place is very clean, their staff is nice, and location is convenient, just north of Pfeiffer Beach.

That said, sleeping in a sleeping bag on the ground is not comfy, and when the temps dip around 40, it's pretty damn chilly. The dogs did not rest well at all. Certainly by morning, we had four crankpots in the tent.

As for the tent itself, I was glad to benefit from the latest innovations in camping equipment. Tents now are surprisingly easy to assemble and so light to lug around. Years ago, we had overnighted in a tent on a whitewater rafting trip in West Virginia. I don't really acknowledge that trip as our first camping experience because we totally ended up raiding the WalMart for all sorts crap to make ourselves comfortable, but point is, back then, I had borrowed camping gear from my friend Andrea, and let's just say, pitching her tent took way longer than 5 minutes. This time, it was so simple. We were done so fast, we were on to the next to do (yes, I have a todo even on vacation).

Interestingly, a couple of lots over, I watched in disbelief (and horror) as a small family unloaded their SUV chock full of shit. Jesus, there were only three people (2 adults, 1 child), but the amount of crap they had packed could have supported an entire summer camp. They had this monster-ass tent with multiple rooms, they had carpet for outside, chairs, a table-top grill, a tablecloth, for crissakes! I mean, I dunno where they live, but is it really necessary to recreate the comforts of suburban life in the middle of a forest? I just don't understand the appeal. Why not just BBQ at home? If nature is what you seek, go be in nature without all the junk. Totally bizarre.

As for my relationship with nature, for me, I'm drawn to just exercising outdoors. But I don't have to be in a remote or undeveloped area. In fact, I am probably more of a city parks kind of gal. I like paved trails, sidewalks, picnic tables, basketball courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, etc.

Maybe that's why I was bored. Yeah, we took the dogs hiking along the beach, the drive down was very scenic, we pitched the tent, built the campfire, etc. But by the time we finished dinner, there was nothing else to do. And when I'm idle, I get extremely sleepy. I hit the sack around 8pm! John said we're supposed to tell stories around the campfire, but I had spent the entire day with him already... what more was there to talk about? What stories? He knows all the stories of my life. Oh well. He admitted he was bored with me too.

Next time I suppose we'll try camping with a group. I dunno. I'll give it another try. Sigh. I'd so much rather go rollerblading or swimming or biking in the neighborhood though...